K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[K4D]

How about this... stop thinking about the divorce. Take it off the table for now. Instead start thinking of how you can achieve personal victories for you and YOUR life. In order to achieve personal victories we must set boundaries and goals.

I can do that. That is what I am trying to do with my C.

I personally would LOVE to see you tell your W that you have decided to split all finances for 2010. I would love to read a post that you told her this in a calm, civil and respectful way and whatever reaction she had, had ZERO bearing on you. I would love to be around when you realize this small step does not push you closer to a divorce but pushes you closer to being an independent man who is more than capable of keeping his own financial house in order.

That is going to be a big one for me. I am going to have to get up my nerve to do that one. But I will work on getting up my nerve for it.

I still belong to an IRL divorce support group. Often times couples that reconciled come in and talk to us. The majority of the couples that reconciled that came back to share their journey (and many of them have been reconciled for years now) still have separate finances with very clear financial boundaries so finances don't become an issue and they can work on the "important stuff".

That makes sense. Ultimately the accounts are not what is the important stuff.

I am glad you want to have a better career and perhaps start a business. Right now you should look at those things as "gravy" because you have some really pressing issues you need to tackle before you can really focus on the "gravy". Learn to adjust your mindset, set boundaries, not worry about the impact your personal growth will have on your W and really embrace the notion of learning how to implement very basic life skills (using resources, seeking out solutions on your own, conquering your root fears and so on). Life cannot blossom on "gravy" alone. Address the "meat" of the matter first.

I am trying to focus on the meat. You are right and you would definitely know since you are self employed.

I had a lovely holiday, thank you for asking. Christmas Eve day I ran some last minute errands with my friends. Christmas Eve I hosted my mom, step dad, sister and brother in law (Christmas Eve is the night we celebrate in my family). I volunteered Christmas morning then spent some time calling my out of town family/friends. Christmas Day night I hosted a party for a few friends and my sister and brother in law joined in after they had dinner with my BIL's family. It was one of the nicest holidays I can remember. I felt happy and centered and things felt just right.

That sounds like a great Christmas. I am glad it went so well for you. That is always good to hear CG.

Kevin

[K4D]

Kev, I go back to my earlier posts that you didn't understand. Again, this is a subtle control issue you have. You think that you can change the outcome of this if you just 'do' something, and your W notices, and she'll decide to come back.

There has definitely been that.

However, It takes 2 to make a MR. One alone can not make a MR work.

You are correct on this.

You can acknowledge your failINGS, especially when it comes to your MR.

You make the changes to you, and for you, and fix what was broken on your side of the MR. If the MR still does not work out, it is not your failing alone, it is the combined failing of the 2 of you.

It is a combined failing of the 2 of us. I have just hated to think there is nothing I could do to save it. But I also recognize from whatevery one has told me by trying to save it my own way, and continue to take gambles, it probably further slipped away.

It's a subtle but marked shift in your perception and understanding that helps to break these chains that keep you in limbo and unable to move to make progress on yourself.

It's also empowering for yourself to get to that point.

Yes it is and I have seen that in many on here.

I know you are slowly moving in the right direction, so don't think we don't notice, and why we continue to post to you. Keep working!

I am. Thanks.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Okay, here is an idea and one I have worked very hard at in C'ing (it's so worth it!).

You said you are nervous about totally splitting the finances, right? So make that your "big" goal and put it aside for a minute. In order to reach that "big goal" (whatever the goal is) sometimes we have to set and reach several "mini goals" that serve as stepping stones. How can you begin to set "mini goals" in regard to splitting the finances so your "big goal" (in this case the big goal would be a 100% financial split) doesn't seem so scary? I am just brainstorming but what about starting with the vehicles/car insurance? Next would be credit cards and so on until you reached enough mini goals to be ready to tackle a "big goal". If you really are that afraid your fear will not just magically go away, you have to work on it and maybe you need to just break it down to less terrifying steps so you can really get a sense of how AMAZING it feels to overcome a fear by setting goals and reaching them.

My C and I worked long and hard on that very concept (we still do) and it really helped me get on track.

Take all these big huge gestures off the table and replace them with attainable mini goals that you can start TODAY so you can get a good taste of how awesome it feels to set boundaries for your own personal growth, create goals and reach them.

Now this might not be your solution but it is a solution. If you don't care for this solution why not put pen to paper and start brainstorming solutions?

[CityGirl]

I am done working for the day and about to shut down my computer for the night. Then I will walk my dog, go to yoga class (pending I can still fit in my yoga clothes as I have been an eating machine this holiday season), come home and make red beans and rice then watch all the Bones I recorded because Agent Booth is a sexy beast.

I will make a deal with you. If you post your list of mini goals that will bring you closer to reaching one big goal I will do the same. I have some pretty huge things I hope to achieve in 2010 and I know the best way to really achieve the BIGGIES is to break them down, step by step, month by month.

My C is an Indian man and the way he says "biggies" is hysterical.

Cool? Deal?

[K4D]

Okay, here is an idea and one I have worked very hard at in C'ing (it's so worth it!).

You said you are nervous about totally splitting the finances, right? So make that your "big" goal and put it aside for a minute. In order to reach that "big goal" (whatever the goal is) sometimes we have to set and reach several "mini goals" that serve as stepping stones. How can you begin to set "mini goals" in regard to splitting the finances so your "big goal" (in this case the big goal would be a 100% financial split) doesn't seem so scary? I am just brainstorming but what about starting with the vehicles/car insurance? Next would be credit cards and so on until you reached enough mini goals to be ready to tackle a "big goal". If you really are that afraid your fear will not just magically go away, you have to work on it and maybe you need to just break it down to less terrifying steps so you can really get a sense of how AMAZING it feels to overcome a fear by setting goals and reaching them.

My C and I worked long and hard on that very concept (we still do) and it really helped me get on track.

Take all these big huge gestures off the table and replace them with attainable mini goals that you can start TODAY so you can get a good taste of how awesome it feels to set boundaries for your own personal growth, create goals and reach them.

Now this might not be your solution but it is a solution. If you don't care for this solution why not put pen to paper and start brainstorming solutions?

That is a good solution CG. Taking it one account at a time is a little easier than going full force on them combined at once.

There are a couple of things at play here just to lay it out.

W has the van that is not being driven along with the title on our auto insurance. She also has her new vehicle on the insurance. She has full coverage on both. I have my Camry on it which is only liability. So I pay half of the insurance bill each month knowing this.

Then there is the cell bill. It got racked up over $300 this past mont and is normally closer to only $200 a month. So I will be paying half of that until it is split.

There is one credit card that I had originally agreed to let W keep that is in my name as long as payment was made each month. I still have to ask her how much she wants to pay on it each month as she had maxed it out. It is only a $1,600 credit limit, but none the less, she really needs to apply for her own card now and pay this one off so I can close it out as I have my own credit card now just for me that I pay off every month.

W is paying the kids and both of our health insurances at a ridiculous rate through her agency, but that is about to end with her job ending and I am trying to get a job where I can provide insurance for the kids. The insurance bill according to her is about $800 a month and rarely gets used if ever. Also the deductible on it is somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,000 to $2,500. So we never even touch the insurance itself as we don't go through that many expenses. I don't know what all she has covered on that plan, my guess is everything. I never wanted this plan and she took it anyways. My contribution to it if I did would be $400 a month plus splitting copays, etc.

I also pick up the C bill twice a month for the girls. W doesn't contribute to this. That comes to $200 a month.

What I have tried to do is look at the differences in our pay to this point and offset that with letting her handle the health insurance, me handle the C and us splitting the rest since technically I could ask for a percentage of child support even having the kids 50% of the time because of the differences in salary. prior to all of this happening.

The other thing is W was making additional money on the side that she didn't tell me about, meanwhile telling me she had no money for bills until she realized that I pulled some 401k money to pay off my credit card. Then she came out with it. But she didn't tell me how much and I didn't ask. She knew I had gotten a check and asked if I made some money off investments and I said a little yes.

So that is what is financially left for us to work out.

So as I go through this with her, there is a chance the health insurance may come up and then I have to bring out that I haven't gone after a percentage for child support from her. That could be an interesting conversation. Of course she could point out that I haven't picked up my own on that as well to which she would be right. But I have also covered bills one month that she did not and I didn't asked to be reimbursed for it. Again, I also pick up C and pay the extra money on auto insurance and the cell bill which I did not rack up these charges this month but will have to pay half anyways since I did not act sooner on splitting the accounts.

In the end, I guess it all works out. But I am thinking like you said CG, one account at a time. That would probably go much smoother and I could slowly work things that way.

Kevin

[K4D]

Cool? Deal?

Deal. And enjoy your night and thanks.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Ok - last post. You have laid out all your finances (insurance, credit card, cell and so on). Now choose ONE thing to split. Just one. Do not try to make things "even" or even worry yourself about who pays more because that forces you to look at too much at once. Accept the fact you might be paying more on one thing and your W might be paying more on another. Accept the fact you or your W might have to pay a penalty for early termination. Yes, that sucks but in the long run it will be worth it.

Now promise me you won't dwell on that big list and you will choose ONE. Pick the smallest thing. Don't even look at that list again until you have rectified the smallest line item.

I know this works because when I was at my lowest point and the mere idea of facing an entire day was too much to even fathom, I had to make lots of mini goals just to get through the DAY. If I can do it, you can too. Step by step, day by day, mini goal by mini goal.

[K4D]

Now promise me you won't dwell on that big list and you will choose ONE. Pick the smallest thing. Don't even look at that list again until you have rectified the smallest line item.

I promise.

Kevin

[Startingover2]

I leave for 9 hours and come back and there are 9 NEW PAGES! Wow Kev! Gotta get a soda and come back and read!

[K4D]

Last night I went out to dinner with my lady friend. It was enjoyable. Then I went over to a friends house after and had a good time. I ended up getting home much later than expected and discovered I lost my apartment key. I slept outside in my car and then this morning drove over to W's house to get my spare key so I could come back and get a shower and change clothes for work. W felt bad for me as I had locked my car key in my car the previous night.

The apartment office didn't open til 9am so I really couldn't sit around and wait for that.

I'm having real good luck with keys this week.

Kevin