A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

Today I finally got S4 in to see the counselor, and it was quite a relief. She doesn’t want to medicate him, which was my biggest fear. I disliked the idea of putting him on meds just because I don’t know how to handle his behavior. She believes the strange behaviors stem from anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. Not exactly surprising, but still good to have a professional opinion.

This makes me even more adamant about laying down clear rules for my in-laws, the “do’s and don’ts” as you put it, Lotus. The counselor says he needs consistency, and agrees that if the in-laws change the rules when they are around it is confusing and exacerbates the situation. And I intend to tell them in just that way too.

As for the religion, I think we may need to let this one rest. I have a very different opinion on the benefits and dangers of exposure to religions. It is what it is. I am trying to rework the way that sentence is written, though. As the kids have mercifully limited direct contact with the in-laws, this may just not be worth going to battle over. And they will see even less of us when we finally get moved to AZ.

And if you are practicing a religion of 1, you will need tolerance from others more than they need tolerance from you.

I don’t understand this.

and on the topic of the relationship with your H. I would say something to the effect of "things are strained between us right now, and I am feeling rejected, which is a source of unhappiness and stress. I am afraid that I lashed out at you in my frustration." accusing him of adultery will only lead to him outing your past adultery and bringing your argument into his parents' living room.

About this I laughed…bitterly, but I did laugh. One of the first things my H did after I admitted my A was to tell his parents, my parents, and a few key members of each of our families he could count on to gossip about it to everyone they knew. Whether this was the best way to spread the word or not is irrelevant. My MIL called me nonstop to berate me for weeks and only stopped after my dad told her that my H was also sleeping around during this time. I still am undecided what if anything to tell them, but believe me, I have no fear of suddenly being exposed for past wrongdoing. Everything has been aired quite thoroughly on my part. My skeletons are public knowledge.

I encourage you to get a hold of your emotions. You seem to be all over the place emotionally and run your life too much by your feelings. Learn to manage your life by more logic and reason and less by your feelings. You seem like an intelligent woman. Use your intelligence to become more stable with your up and down emotions. Just because your feelings change, doesn't mean you have to give in each time you feel differently about something.

You’re right, of course. I’m terribly emotional. I have a mental disorder I’m learning to cope with as well as the guilt and grief it has brought to me, a son who is acting out in response to his own emotional turmoil, a H who is engaged in an A and says he wants a divorce, and uncertainty about nearly every aspect of my life. That’s why I come here to lose my grip – so that I have any hope of keeping it together in the real world. As I have not confided in my parents I can’t tell them when I’m coming apart at the seams, and I have no friends in this immediate area. So I am doing the best I can with phone calls to old friends and emotional outpourings to online strangers. I’m just trying to keep it together.

If you really are serious about learning to stand up for yourself then I believe that you need to learn that true character is shown by always confronting or apologizing face to face or at least by phone. Doing it by email is taking the easy way out. If you would have done this face to face in the beginning, then you would be less likely to be in this situation...

My emotional turmoil is exactly why I can’t do a lot of this face-to-face yet. If I’m not in control I can’t call them or tell them personally how I feel. What if I started crying or getting mad enough to hurl accusations and profanities? I deserve an outlet to tell people how I feel without losing my dignity. I’m not there yet.