Hi Tom, I read you last post and it sure hit home. I know my H could understand completely how you must feel.
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You love a person and trust them with everything in your life, and then its "I don't love you anymore". How do you put aside all that time, all that "living", and put it in a trash bag and throw it away?
Exactly. Trust was the most prized part of our love.....and I threw it down the toliet like it was "stuff".
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I do feel betrayed though - like she stole all those years from me -
Are you talking about the past years? B/c she didn't steal what is already lived. You have good memories and that was your life, right? If you are talking about years in the future.....it's not over. Yes, you have a right to feel betrayed. You have a right to feel everything that you are experiencing.
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who in their right mind would marry someone for 25 yrs with no feeling
Tom, do not believe that she never loved you! Do not believe the things she is saying right now b/c in a way....she's not in her right mind. I know....I've been where she is right now.
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she definitely lost something within her in the last couple of years, which is the time she is claiming she has started to feel the love slip away.
She may be correct in that. She may have stopped feeling the passion, etc., that she wanted to have.....b/c something was changing in her body.
As I told you, we have had our share of bad stuff down through the years. My body was suffering from more than one physical problem and when my hormones got out of whack.....I was really messed up. There were several things I could claim that added to my WAW symptoms and I guess I'll never know just how much any one thing played a part in it. For example, the depression I was having. The isolation I was feeling......on and on I could go, but it is no excuse for what I did.
What you have to do is realize that this woman is not the girl you M and you have to stop driving yourself crazy by asking all these questions about why she is doing this or saying that. She is not thinking, talking, or acting logical. She won't be until she gets straighten out. Now, you can throw up your hands, shake you head and walk out as if you can't handle this.....or you can start looking at this as a challenge where you will win.....and start using that list I gave you. So....you've been M 25 yrs. That's great but I was M longer than that when I almost walked away. M does not get any easier.....it just has new challenges. Did you hear me? Are you the man? I hope so b/c this will top all that you've faced in the past. Nothing is more hurtful or personal that when you have a spouse to do what your W has done to you.
It is up to you as to how you will choose to handle it. Get a grip and hang on tight. This will not end quickly and there is no magic formula......(well the list is as close as you'll get to a formula). There are no quick fixes. If you are use to fixing things.....you'll get very frustrated if you think your W will/should be fixed. She won't be. But, things do not have to remain like this. However, it takes a long time, so I hope you will be in it for the long haul.
If you decide that you are willing to do whatever to save yourself (first) and the marriage (second), will you listen to the advice you are given? Will you work with us and let us try to help you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She feels bad and doesn't want to hurt me, but she just doesn't have that feeling anymore.
I heard that too and it makes it confusing when we are together and she's pleasant towards me. Some would see it as a baby step, I just see her trying to become friends.
Love is a feeling. Marriage is a commitment. I've learned since I moved out that I had unrealistic expectations. I thought good marriages had love all the time. Good marriages have commitment -- there are times it feels like the love is gone -- but it comes back as long as you remain committed.
My W doesn't believe that.
I'm in the limboland hell of just waiting it out forever or eventually filing on my own.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
She sure has all the signs of having an Internet EA. An EA for a woman is very serious and the more she "feeds" it, the worse things will become.
From the way I read what you said about not thinking she was in a PA b/c she rarely left the house, I wondered if you were like my H and really didn't understand much about an EA. Frankly, I didn't.....until I had one. I was still in my EA when I stumbled upon this board. That is when I learned that it is a medical fact that there are certain chemicals or hormones releases into the brain that causes the woman to have those "in-love" feelings. She gets the same "high" as she did the first time she ever fell in love. The thing is that she wants this "high" to continue and therefore she feeds it by fantasizing. Everytime she has computer contact (or phone, etc.) with OM, that is like getting a drug fix for her. She is addicted. That is why she will fight you about her computer contacts. She will lie and deny. You KNOW she is doing something wrong when she refuses you acces to her FB and she closes the door when she's on the computer. I did the same thing.
When I finally broke contact with the OM and stopped all computer activity outside of my regular family emails and the DB Board......then I went through withdrawals. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but it is the truth and I believe your W is right where I once was.
When you feel that you are ready, then you need a plan as to how to turn this around. Have you actually confronted her about what she is doing on the computer? Do you have any solid proof of what she's doing? Do you know how to get information from the computer to trace her history?
Please do not leave your home. You see it like a lot of men do, but it is not what you need to do. Yes, you are the breadwinner, but this is not a normal situation and if your W wants out of this M, then you must force her to deal with the consequences of her choices. Do not help her....and do not rescue her. If you leave the house.....you are doing it all for her. This is not your dad's generation and men no longer leave their homes. They stay home, and keep the kids with them!!
How old is your daughter? You see, you are taking for granted that your W will take the child with her. Why? What you need to do is say, "I do not want a divorce. I will not leave my home. If you do not want to live with me, then you will have to be the one to leave, but I will file for child custody. I will not support your A and I will not help you to live outside this family."
If you leave the home, then the courts may see that as "abandonment". Fathers are being granted at least 50% of child custody. In some cases.....more. Don't walk out on your daughter. She needs you and I promise that your W is in no shape to raise her alone b/c she will be more & more consumed by her computer activity.
You see leaving your home as giving your daughter solid ground. But your daughter will see her father walking out on her....and it will influnce her relationships with men for the rest of her life. Is that what you want to do to her? She needs the parent who is not lost in a fantasy world and who will "really" be there for her. Don't lose your focus in all of the mess.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A lot to soak in - but I hear you all. I have been thinking that in our financial situation that I will not be able to move out anyway - and I've got to get my 23 yr old son outr and on his own as well - he and my wife are toxic to each other. So - at least until the sale of our house - I expect at the moment to stay here. Once we sell and we really have to at this point given our finances - unless there is a change within her we will be getting two apartments. But that could be awhile from now - we have had house on market for month and a half and only 1 buyer come to look. I am already trying to follow the Don't list and I am committed to this marriage as long as it takes - so I'm in....... back later on if I can get on line.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Sorry you find yourself here. I agree with everyone that it sounds like you W is having at least an EA. The faster you determine this and deal with it the better off you are going to be in the long run.
If your W is having an EA or even a PA you will be competing with a 3rd party. You need to get the 3rd party out of the picture and the only way you can do that is to know there is a 3rd party.
Your wife has told you all the things my W did. She also has the same behavior mine has. They will turn it on you that you are jealous or controling. I felt bad for the longest time not trusting my W. Come to find out I was 100% correct and shouldn't have trusted her.
I think deep down you don't want to admit that your W might be having an A (EA or PA). However, I would bet that you have thought it and might actually have a gut feeling that something is going on. Time to prove that gut feeling and get a plan together on how to address it.
As long as a 3rd party is around and without boundaries your W is going to cake eat as long as she can.
I am not trying to be harsh here but I kept my head in the sand for to long and regret not listening to my gut feelings.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
OK - so is the thinking I should put some software on the PC to monitor conversations/IM's, to confirm an EA? All's fair in love and war I guess. And this would qualify as both. You're probably right - I don't want to believe it but I have to know what I am fighting against.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, the DR book teaches more on the line of no snooping and acting as if everything will be fine. It teaches that if OP is suspected that the LBS "outshine" that OP.
I want to warn you that what you may find is not for the faint of heart (as some have said). My H almost had a heart attack, and I'm not so sure he didn't have a small one. So, unless you are quite sure that you can handle reading sexual conversations from your W to OM (or maybe even more than one), you may want to reconsider. Also, you need to know how to use the software without her knowing it has been installed.
The concept from a lot of board members is to snoop to gain knowledge and evidence of any A. However, once it starts, then it is hard to stop.....so I've read. I don't think the Internet even had FB and some things like that at the time DR was written, but I won't swear to it.....can't remember. But the speed things are going these days in the tech world.....one can't afford to drag his feet or his M will be over and he won't ever know what hit. It's scary.
So, just be sure of what you want to do.....and get more advice or instructions before you act. There was one young man that exposed his W's A when it was suggested (but was told to wait before he did anything) and he wasn't prepared for the fallout. So, don't do anything drastic until you are prepared.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks. I usually always think about things overnight and sleep on before I decide to act. So - I will give this all some thought first as suggested. I agree it is a double edged sword. Not sure what the right thing is about anything. To be honest - I have been absorbing a lot of advice from multiple sources, books, etc and I take it all in, and then decide what seems to be right for me and my situation. I know there are no right or wrong answers to a lot of this, and I've gone along with my gut feel on most of it as its evolved. I think I knew early on that leaving the house at her request was "not right", and would ultimately hurt my younger daughter the most, so I know I did the right thing there by staying in the house. I am so happy to be exchanging thoughts with you all - it helps me feel like I am not alone in this ordeal - and I've been fighting the loneliness for months now. Thanks for all your comments - they truly help me get my thoughts straight and open me up to other options. I'll be back on later - to all - have a Very Happy New Year!
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
