I've read many posts and realized how much supportive you've been to people having similar circumstances. That does encourage me to join the forum for valuable advices from you folks.
My story is like this. I’m 42 (will be 43 in January). W is 40. We have a daughter (9) and son (41/2). Met W 10 years ago.
We dated for 3 months and decided to get married in 1999.
I have been a good father but not a good husband as my wife said. She’d suspected me on cheating her, but I’ve been clean 100%. No foul play. In addition, she is not happy with me because: • I’ve ignored her • Didn’t stand up for her with my family • Didn’t respect her • Didn’t validate her feelings and understand her • Wasn’t romantic • She’s felt insecure with me because I can leave her
W warned me a couple of times and discussed with me about her feelings toward our marriage. I wasn’t that focus to fix things even though I’ve been continuously to be nice with her, helped her out as much as I could, and taken care the kids which I have thought that my ways of showing her I love her. I told her I love her but she said I wasn’t sincere. It’s partly true because at that time I thought that she has not shown her ready for a marriage. My MIL and I took care the kids most of the time while she’s complained about how miserable of having kids is. We really didn’t communicate very well and didn’t put our marriage as our priority.
In 2005, she took over a business and has run it by herself. She has done very well since.
In July, she told me she wanted to separate from me. She loves me because I’m father of our kids but is not in love with me. Her feeling toward me is little. It will take time to have it back according to her. She told me she missed the romantic time that we didn’t have. Now, she feels she needs to do it because life is short. Then, I found out about her EA. OM is a lawyer who is her customer as well as represented her in a personal injury case. He’s 50 and recently divorced. This guy is in town. Not like many other posts I’ve read when OPs are long distance.
The problem of me that I waited until my wife has someone else then started to fix the marriage, but it was a screw up. I was thinking that yes it was my fault, so I let her basically seeing this guy day in day out while trying to tell her that our marriage should be fixed first before anything else happens. I pursued, begged, and consulted her, and was her doormat. For one thing I have not done but never will is snooping on her. I did check her cell phone though and found out she talked to her friends about her feelings toward OM and wanted to divorce me and asked them for advices. Fortunately, these people basically told her to fix our marriage first. I even saw some flirting messages between her and OM. I have completely stopped checking her cell phone for about two months because the lesser I know is better I think.
Things are getting worse when I pushed her in R talks. One day, I found out she lied to me to go out of town with OM for two days. I confronted her, and few days later I got her texting message to OM that she thinks she’s getting close to live with him and she’s happy to have him. I told my MIL, who lived with us during weekdays to watch our kids about her daughter’s EA, which I had kept spreading out to anyone. On note, MIL and my wife’s family love me. They know I’m a devoted husband and father. MIL talked to W but her hands certainly tie because now it’s her daughter’s life. I have not talked to my family (mom and siblings) about her EA. I told her I’ve kept my family away from being involved. However, she told one of my BILs that she and I both have another relationship – it’s not true on my part, and when she’s remarried she will invite him. I did even call the OM to tell him how shameful he is, he screws up a family of the young kids and he needs to back off from my wife.
I only talked to one of my friends. This guy also is a high school classmate of W. I met W through him. He was frank and objective. He told me about my mistakes and he tried to talk her out. Nothing happened. I even talked to a girlfriend of hers. This girlfriend has been very frankly about what W has told her and fed me with a lot of the information. She knows W is wrong but cannot do anything about it excepting that being very supportive to me. W of course doesn’t know I talked to this person. That’s why I know that my wife’s made up her mind to stick with this OM and is very serious with this man (or her fantasies?). She respects and thinks highly regards of him.
I still have sexed with my wife 2/3 times a week because one thing for sure that we both enjoy it. She’s admitted that she still has some affection, and she has good feelings when having sexed with me. My wife is not a type of persons that can sleep with anyone. Even though she’s in love with this OM, I don’t think they have any sexual intercourse. I could be wrong. I don’t know my wife at all when she is involved in this. On my side, I like it because I feel that I can show her how confident I’m. I have to admit that having sex has helped us reduce our stress and depression during the ordeal. This is also one of the reasons that I think I can win her back. Of course, sex alone is not a guarantee.
One day, I told her I will move out if she is not clear one way or the other. My wife asked me to stay home because the kids need me while she decided what to do. She even mentioned about an open marriage. I told her it’s not a healthy relationship and moved out. Nonetheless, I came home after two days because the kids asked me – I still kept the rented room just in case. She’s till in contact with him about twice a week. However, I decide to blindside because I can not control her and can only control myself.
I found out about DR and DB’s website in late November. I’ve even bought six sessions to consult with Coach Jodie, used 3, and have 3 more to go. I have not given up because I think this should be a battle of my life that I will fight no matter what an outcome will be. I have read many threads about people not giving up on their marriages. However, it would be crazy to think that the ending of my sitch is bright and colorful. I just wanted to know that I unearthed all the rocks and was able to tell my kids in their eyes later that I fought for their family very hard. My kids have not known anything about the ordeal since we have both tried not to talking about our R in front of them. I know for sure that my wife’s so involved with her fantasies. I understand how’s addicted she is right now. She’s a strong believer in her feelings and feels secured about her new relationship this OM. Therefore, I realistically have stopped working on our R and tried 180s for about a month. I’ve kept reading do and don’t to make sure I’m on track and been mysterious about what I’m doing.
Three weeks ago, my wife told me that a friend of hers bought a ticket for her to go to California. She proved it to me. I said no because I won’t be home on the weekend. Note that I always let her going anywhere before the EA. I understand her needs to seeing friend and enjoy her time. She’d gone by herself many times before, even when my D was 3-month old and I took time off to watch her. However, this time I’m not a Mr. Nice anymore. She texted me that she made up her mind and we should go on our separate ways – Big D she meant. She doesn’t want me to hope and wait. I said that’s fine and told that we needed to talk about it. I waited for her to start a conversation but nothing happened. Ten days ago, I told her I went out for a dance and will be home by 10:30. When I came home, she still was up with our kids. She looked upset. During that weekend, she said she’s basically happy for me because I’m happy. I kept the conversation short. On Monday, she texted me about her unhappiness because our checking accounts and she has a D paper ready and asked me to think about it carefully before signing it. On the same day I had a phone consultation with Jodie and I read to her about my wife’s texting message. Jodie walked me through how to respond and talk to her about what would we do if we stay on marriage. Jodie also told me to tell W that I’m not sure about what to do next, so things are in my control now whether it’s me wanting a D or not. W and I haven’t talked about D. I think she waits to next week. I’ve shown her I don’t care about D any more and go on with my life. On the Christmas day, I told her I moved back in (my Lawyer instructed me to stay if I can handle my emotions).
My wife has started to take my kids out to see this OM and his mother. On Thanksgiving, she took my D out to have diner with this OM’s family. I told her not to expose our kids to this. However, she did it again on the Christmas Day with both my S and D. Even worse, last Saturday, when I left for MD to see my mom and siblings with out the kids, and didn’t tell her where I went. She took the kids out with this OM because she’s angrily with me because I didn’t tell her where I went. I plan to confront her next time if she wants to take our kids with the OM again. Here what I plan to do: talk to W is not wise to have our kids exposed to the OM because he is an as#hole and screw up their family. We are not divorced yet, so I have a right to say who my kids can see. I think I can tell her that if she continues to do it I will come to OM’s office and tell him to back off from my kids. His interference with my family is not appreciated.
I won’t be back to work until Jan. 4th. Therefore, I want to read DR and the forum as much as I can to prepare myself for a long haul and uphill battle I’m determined to fight. It’s my life so I decide what to do. Hope I can get some valuable advices to put out a game plan. Any input is greatly appreciated
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
First I am sorry for all your pain. You are doing so much that is absolutely right on. You also sound like someone who has figured things out quite quickly and through counseling and mutual friends (of both you and wife) have your own support group that can provide you with sounding board advice.
Bad things sometimes happen to good people. You have acknowledged your contributions to the R problem. You sound like you are taking steps to get a life. You are fighting for what you value and the emotional happiness of your children. Most importantly you have stopped snooping on your wife.
I think you have a game plan. My only suggestion would be to either be patient for the affair with the OM to go sour or figure out (with the help of others) how to bust the affair in a way that doesn't make you seem evil to your wife. Your discussion with your wife about not exposing your kids to the OM and his mother on the holidays is the moral high ground. You might want to talk to a divorce attorney about that issue and counselors on what can you do to protect your children without using them as pawns in a divorce proceeding.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
If she was his client. Is there not any legal ramifications of them having an affair?
I would expose this affair to everyone very quickly. I would send a regestered letter to this lawyers firm about his actions. He is scum. He needs to face up to his actions. I would not even talk to him. You know all you need to know about him. He is a liar, does not respect vows, does not respect you and your children.
I would then re expose this to her family , your family and some very close friends who will support the family. Support the wife. But will not support the adultery in any shape or form.
I would also contact his exwife and let her know what is happening as well.
I would put some very strong boundaries down about this OM and your children. I would also get the support of her MIL in this.
I would also keep the relationship with all friends and family going. Smother her out of options for when OM is too busy for her. Let her have time to herself.
I would shore up all finances. I would also look into her paying child support and financial support while you maintain the household.
Thanks Young at Heart for your kind and encouraged words. I'm thankful for myself (of course recently)in this situation to build my strength and characters as well as my weaknesses. I have seen people from this forum getting supports from others who're in difficulty circumstances. That's fortune. I should give my att a call tomorrow to find out how to protect my children "without using them as pawns in a divorce proceeding". My wife and I seem to have an agreement that we'll avoid at all cost to inflate more pains on our kids. But who knows because big D is a messy business. Hope that we don't have to much drama if we're on that route. Regards.
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
This is really one of the 180s not on my practicing list. I have taken a softway to work out the crisis but things are getting worst. I'm considering to put this into work. Since there is nothing to loose, I have started getting myself going on my way. This could be the end of our journey. My guts feeling is saying that my M is not ending here. I really don't know how true this one is, so that's why I have decided to stay on to find other solutions that work. I believe many of her friends are aware of her new relationship with the OM. W is picking ones that support her
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
She even mentioned about an open marriage. I told her it’s not a healthy relationship and moved out.
You do have an open marriage....as far as your W is concerned. She certainly is flaunting the fact she doesn't respect her M vows.
Don't fool yourself by thinking that it is only an EA. You know she loves sex, and the lawyer would not give the time of day to your W if she wasn't sleeping with him. She even spent two days & nights with him before she told you the truth! Now she doesn't even try to hide the truth.
You have sex with her 2/3 times a week and she is seeing the lawyer the same amount of times per week? Wow!
This woman has disrespected you about every way a wife can treat her H. Saying that you have been her doormat is putting it mildly. Why would you want to stay M to a woman like that? You described her to sound awful before you even found out about her A. I see nothing that sounds attractive about her, except for the fact you like having sex with her. Are you sure you are doing this just for the kids' sake?
If you put up with this behavior, and it is just for the kids...then answer me these questions, please. Could you live with her until your children are grown and have left home? Is this the role model of a M that you want your children to see? Is this the kind of man and husband you want your children to see how they should be in a M when they grow up?
If you decide that you want to stay M to her, then you must wear the pants in the family and start to man-up. She does not need somebody that will allow her to walk all over him. She needs to see a strong, self-confident man that has honor and dignity and will claim respect. She will not love you until she feels respect for you. You have much work to do if the M survives.
The good news is....it can be done. However, I think that you must have misunderstood some of the Do's & Don'ts on the list if you believe you are following them. Maybe I am the one that misunderstood you?
Be a good strong respectful man who your children will be proud of. Yes, some day they will know the truth and how you did not want a D. But, they will know if their mother showed respect for their father. And, that is what will affect them in their relationships.
Don't go to OM and tell him that his behavior is not appreciated! That will do no good except to give them both a good laugh. Expose what they are doing by telling the people that mean the most to them. Who would it hurt your W the most to find out the truth? What about her business? Would it matter if anyone there knew? If she doesn't care about her family knowing......are you sure they know details or do they think she just "likes" this lawyer? You must get tough in order to bust this affair. Does the lawyer mama know he is dating a M woman, or does she think the woman is D? You never know what the mama has been told by her son & your W. The lawyer's mama may not be too happy if her son's reputation was tarnished by him openly dating a married woman. If things heated up enough, I bet the lawyer would drop your W to keep mama happy!
If you talk to anyone....I think it needs to be the lawyer's mother. I have a feeling she thinks you and wife are divorced! Don't tell your W what you are going to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. I was planning to reach out to you, but you're already here. You're and everybody else here are God send.
[quote=sandi2][quote]Don't fool yourself by thinking that it is only an EA. [quote]
Unfortunately, it's correct. I have tried to find a way to keep our M to be intact. There are five people including me that I think so important that the M should be kept.
W is the one. I know it's hard to believe how she comes to this point. I really don't know her when she is in this situation. To be honest, I have thought sometimes that this is should be a good opportunity to get rid of her. However, one side of me says that she has bad and good things like everybody else. Since this is my choice to be married to her, I should accept all good and bad things that come in our way. That’s why I include myself in this group of five. I’m a family oriented man who values the important of a family. I do love W, but don’t have many respects for her somewhat about her thoughts and actions even before the ordeal (she has said something that you can never expect from a 40-year old married gal during our R discussions. Even her friends got caught off guards about her comments somewhat like a girl in her 20’s). I guess it likes other couples, we all have likes and dislikes to S. I know W makes mistakes, and should be responsible for her faults. I also contribute to the problem, and I accept that responsibility.
My two kids of course need to have a family (W is a good mother. Note: she gets started to be involved more with our kids since the EA. I guess that comes from some of her guilds). I don’t think they deserve a broken family. I have not done a great job to be a father. However, I’m proud of me staying actively to nurture them and being part of their life, and I can always do things better (one thing I’m sure I cannot do is carrying them in my womb - don’t have one obviously:-)). I have been with them since they’re born.
The last person in this group is my MIL. Everybody wishes to have a mother like her. She is a mother by any mean. She has sacrificed her whole life for her kids and husband, who did have EAs. She has not had her life or maybe doing things for her kids is what her life is for. I don’t know. However, I think I have owned her a lot because she has spent more time with our kids than any one of us. She is dying inside because of our relationship, but her hands are tie. Sometimes, I feel that I stick to her daughter because of her too. That’s really odd feeling I guess.
[quote=sandi2][quote] You have sex with her 2/3 times a week and she is seeing the lawyer the same amount of times per week? Wow! [quote]
That’s suck, isn’t it? Since I have not found a way to bust the EA. I think sex can keep me somewhat in the playing field. I really don’t think my wife and OM have a sexual intercourse. Of course, hugging and kissing are the norm in any physical EA. I believe the OM hasn’t pressured W. He’s playing the nice guy. I think my wife turns all the green lights. Other thing is that I want to sleep with my wife because of the other the benefits. I’m sure you will beat me to the punch, Sandi2. Please feel free, I deserve it.
[quote=sandi2][quote] This woman has disrespected you about every way a wife can treat her H. Saying that you have been her doormat is putting it mildly. Why would you want to stay M to a woman like that? You described her to sound awful before you even found out about her A. I see nothing that sounds attractive about her, except for the fact you like having sex with her.] Are you sure you are doing this just for the kids' sake? [quote]
You’re absolutely right. Please see my note above. She is a nice reasonable person. I’m sure you will like her if you meet her. However, on the family side, she’s not been really into it until recently. She is coming around with our kids probably somewhat from her guilds I guess. She could be a good W. However, I don’t know how much she could be committed to M if things are going a bright way. She hadn’t committed much on it before the ordeal. Many uncertainties I have to deal with.
[quote=sandi2][quote] If you put up with this behavior, and it is just for the kids...then answer me these questions, please. Could you live with her until your children are grown and have left home? Is this the role model of M that you want your children to see? Is this the kind of man and husband you want your children to see how they should be in a M when they grow up?[quote]
No, Sandi2, no. It’s no way I can live like this. Two of us have to be a role model for our kids. How’s W thinking about this I don’t know? But I’m committed to raise the kids from a loving and beloved family. One of the reasons why I have tried to keep the M is that marriage is good. Of course it’s not for everybody. But when one chooses to be married, she/he should be committed to it and gets things fixed.
[quote=sandi2][quote] If you decide that you want to stay M to her, then you must wear the pants in the family and start to man-up. She does not need somebody that will allow her to walk all over him.[quote]
You’re absolutely right. I have chosen a soft way to deal with this since Day one because I thought it is the better way in many perspectives. I have yielded more than stepped up. I let her in the driver’s seat. Note that: we have not fought and yell a lot. Both of us have tried not to escalating the ordeal into a violent mode. I need to give her credit for not doing that. I was stupid and did many things a half way. As a result, things are getting worst. She’s more attached to OM.
It’s time to stand up myself. I’m in preparation of putting the whole thing together and push a button no matter what an outcome will be. Dignity is more important than anything else right now. I have pushed it aside for too long. I need it back and for the rest of my life. I’m getting stronger physically and mentally. I’m confident and I do need to reclaim her respects toward me. This time I need to get well prepared to gather all the helps I could to put in the fight. Can I go over my plan with you and everybody? Please advise.
[quote=sandi2][quote] The good news is....it can be done. [quote]
It’ll be done no matter what. Thanks for being optimism.
[quote=sandi2][quote] However, I think that you must have misunderstood some of the Do's & Don'ts on the list if you believe you are following them. Maybe I am the one that misunderstood you? [quote]
Please give some clarification. I can list out what I have done.
[quote=sandi2][quote] Be a good strong respectful man who your children will be proud of. Yes, some day they will know the truth and how you did not want a D. But, they will know if their mother showed respect for their father. And, that is what will affect them in their relationships. [quote]
Agree totally.
[quote=sandi2][quote] Who would it hurt your W the most to find out the truth? [quote]
Because I didn’t want to expose the EA, I never thought about this. She’s worry about her mother, but my MIL is out of the picture now. I’m not too sure if her brothers (2) know any detail. However, I don’t think her side family is matter most to her. Her SILs could be ones. She has to keep her face with them. I’m thinking also about her cousins. I don’t know if she has consulted with any of them.
[quote=sandi2][quote] What about her business? Would it matter if anyone there knew? [quote]
Do you mean her customers? What should I go about doing it effectively? Do I need to go there and tell them? I’m thinking out loud here.
She runs her business pretty much by herself.
[quote=sandi2][quote] If you talk to anyone....I think it needs to be the lawyer's mother[quote]
I thought about this. It’s definitely the right thing to do. She saw my kids. I don’t know if she can afford to have her son screwing up their family. If she does, she should be ashamed. I need to find out how to reach out to her. Cutterbug mentioned about the OM’s ex-wife. She could be a target, too.
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
