Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[Awoken]

I want to 180 but I'm not sure what exactly to do.

I so understand what you mean!
Read DR again, and take notes in the margins. It's been helping me a lot. It's easy to throw out the word '180' here, but I know implementing it takes some effort, even though it's a simple concept: do the opposite of what you are used to doing. If it's not working, do something else.

For me, the hardest part is that my 180's require me to basically do things that I am not comfortable with. My very participation here in the forum is a good example. I'm not usually comfortable in social settings with strangers, and it took a lot for me to start posting here, and even more for me to start replying to other peoples post. I see that you don't post very often here; if you are not very social, are feeling isolated, consider posting here more often.

In the past I was a very outspoken, team-oriented, gentle, and dependent spouse. I have started being more independent by not asking him for anything except help with the kids when I absolutely have to. I have started organizing the house the way I want it. I have started spending more quality time with the kids by myself.

Ok, this all sounds like a good start. But be more specific. What do you want for yourself? Go after that. You were team-oriented, but he's quit the team! Don't be MORE independent, be independent. Again, it's counter-intuitive.

In my case, I knew I needed to get more healthy: I changed my diet dramatically, and began a daily walking routine. I've lost 25 pounds. The change in diet really pissed of my W, although she didn't show it for weeks. I didn't think she noticed anything.

I had often worked long hours "to provide" for my family. Even though it cost me income, I've committed to going to every function in my kids lives. Again, pissed off W.

I had neglected my friends and family in favor of my M, so I've started spending more time outside of the house, with my friends! Ironically, it's made me a better dad.

What is hard is I don't how to interact with him differently. I lost it a few times over the holidays...yelling, name-calling, crying and just acting like a complete a$$. I know I have to
do better about getting control of myself but at the same time I just could not sit still for the bull$hit that he was handing out. He is full MLC.

I think your 180 here is to STOP interacting with him, except when needed. We've all lost control before when confronted with the completely irrational cr#p that WAS throws at us. If you really start to 180, expect the cr#p to get worse too.

Listen, I understand you miss H and even those awful confrontations may provide some relief to the chasm of emptiness that he has left you with. Still, you need to focus on yourself, and the best way to do that is to stop talking with him. Since you've lost it a few times, if you start being calm and collected and unavailable, he'll likely be surprised at your change. The key here is to do it for yourself and your kids.

One of my big mistakes was(is!) that in trying to limit my communication with my W, I tended to come across as hostile and like I was inflicting guilt. You need to be indifferent, too busy with your own life. You are moving on, taking care of January-Girl.

One last thing:
I'm doing my best here with this post..it's my longest one I've written for someone else. The vets here will have better advice and be more articulate. Please take the time to read other threads about 180's and detachment. Learn to use the search function if you haven't yet.

You CAN do this. Get focused!