PLEASE.. Sending out a sincere request for some help folks. Robx, Coach, Greek Soleil, PDT, anyone with good input/assessment, I need some Serious 2x4's to keep me on my path..
here's what has been going on from my original thread..
Just got back from MC with W. We began talking about the holidays and how each of us had a great time with the kids and our planning the holiday (we do it very well)... (I had stayed at our home for 3 days over X-mas) about halfway thru the session there was a lull and W looked as if she was in thought and I asked if she would share.
W ststed that she felt at an impasse and restated that she felt she thought a D was the right thing for her and she felt she had to move on in a direction.
I said that I understand what she was saying and that I didn't feel that this was a race. I stated my concern about conflicting agendas, Although W wanted to D, I wanted to heal my M. I stated that both our physical healths were improving and that I wanted to see that continue.
W asked where I saw us. I replied that our communication has always been terrible in our personal lives and that there was a program called "Retroauvaille" and I explained what it was. W began giving excuses for why that wouldn't help as she is "done" trying.
W became agitated and stated that she wanted a D but didn't know how nice she should be. She wants to avoid a "melt down" in our interactions especially with the kids.. She at least wanted to speak with a mediator to find out where we stood. She pressed hard for me to commit to a mediator, I told her I need to think about that.
I replied that I understood why she would feel that way and that I wanted to work on myself (and herself) and let our physical health return to close to normal. (W admits that her Hormone replacement needs to be upped in dosage). She said "so you are saying you need more time." I answered "Yes, you felt this way for sometime before letting me know, I have not had the same amount, I need time as well to process all of this"
W said she needed to do some things to help her feel better about herself and although we were in our last 5 min of our session I felt it was the appropriate time to tell her that..
"I decided that I need to to do whats best for me as well, and after spending all of that time with the kids, I realize that what's best for me is to move back in the home."
W looked shocked, a worried/anxious look appeared and she stated that "well that wouldn't be good for me.. We haven't talked about this" I replied well "there was nothing to talk about, I decided this is what's good for me"
W replied again, "but this was not discussed" and I answered, "If you can give me one good reason why I shouldn't return yo my own home, tell me,, otherwise I'm moving back, I feel my emotional health is improved and this is what I need to do"
W asked "well when where you planning this" and I stated I have already begun moving things back...."
The MC told us our time was up and commented in a neutral way that this was the "last minute bomb"....
W and I left and as we walked to our cars, W got in hers and I asked her what time she would be home, W said "This is not good,, we need to be living seperately, you can move home but I'll do what I need to do for me" (what I interpretted as a veiled statement that she was going to move out)...
SHE WAS PISSED!,, Looked scared and immediately got on the phone as she left the lot...(girlfriend, Lawyer, who knows)
OK folks, I changed the dynamics by standing up, making a decision and taking control of my direction.. Honestly it felt good standing up for myself, and seeing the concern now growing in her eyes.... but I am nervous and scared too, she did not (will not) see that from me
She still wants a D, and expains she has thought why she hadn't done anything before in our M about it. She said AGAIN, " I just do not want to be married"..
I'm not going to facilitate the D in anyway. I appreciate all of the tough love, DB advice here. Please someone give input as to what/how I should proceed next. I feel the momentum shifting in my favor and DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THAT ADVANTAGE...!!!
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I'm not going to facilitate the D in anyway. I appreciate all of the tough love, DB advice here. Please someone give input as to what/how I should proceed next. I feel the momentum shifting in my favor and DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THAT ADVANTAGE...!!!
What to do next: Move back home and don't leave again. She's probably going to come home with both guns drawn. Ok. No amount of petulant, childish ranting will change the good and solid move you just made. Only YOU can give up this ground. Don't. Don't worry about what she'll do. She'll sleep on the couch, the guest room, Residence Inn...whatever. That's for her to decide. You, the rock, will be sleeping in your bed.
I've never written about this here before but the time seems right. When we were in hell, Coach refused to sleep any place else in this house except our bed. He just wouldn't do it. So I did b/c I was hellbent on NOT sharing air with him in those days. I slept with our D12, the big sofa, the little sofa...the floor in front of the fireplace. For a long time. It wore me out. At one point, I broke down crying (to myself of course) b/c I had not had a good night's sleep in weeks. He was an immovable force. And the message to me was clear: "If you want to leave this man, the bill will come to you, Greek, not him." Talk about 2x4!
And that is what you fellas need to do if you want any chance of opening your W's eyes to what she is doing.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
OK folks, I changed the dynamics by standing up, making a decision and taking control of my direction.. Honestly it felt good standing up for myself, and seeing the concern now growing in her eyes.... but I am nervous and scared too, she did not (will not) see that from me
Am very proud of you, DD. I got giddy reading that part and am very interested in seeing how this is going to turn out.
When do you move back in officially? You probably did shock the heck out of her by saying what you said.
When you get back in the house, I recommend that you act cool and happy. Still keep GAL'ing and working on you. Do not fall into fighting with her, even if she's instigating.
THANKS SOOO much for the support..! I absolutely do feel deep inside that this was the best decision regardless of how my sitch turns out.. I move back in tonight. I was planning on moving back after the weekend BUT when she seemed nervous /anxious about when I planning on moving I just decided at that moment that it was TONIGHT.. (I gave W the impression that I have been moving my things back in all day today).
I have have not seen her this nervous/upset/scared/anxious like this in a long time.. My good friend tells me she no longer has a cake to have and eat it.!!
I plan on being cool, calm, continuing my 180's/GAL and getting busy with my kids again. I expect she will be pissed, angry, and mad as hell (I threw a wrench in her plans and caused her a crisis)...I will try my damnedest not to engage.. I expect the mother of all hissy-fits...
Some of the best response advice I received here was: "I'm sorry that you feel that way" "I can understand why you may feel that way" "I decided....."
The impression that she gave off was "WTF just happend here?" Yes, She was shocked.
Called the Atty, to figure out what my options are if she decides to take the kids from the home with her if she moves out...he wont be in till 1/4... hopefully her Atty is on vacation as well..
My mind is spinning, I know in my heart I did good today, just don't want this to blow up in my face... I've always been cautious and think things several steps ahead. Still scared but glad I did it....
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
Some of the best response advice I received here was: "I'm sorry that you feel that way" "I can understand why you may feel that way" "I decided....."
The impression that she gave off was "WTF just happend here?" Yes, She was shocked.
Hee hee at her "WTF" reaction! And those responses above are all great because they validate but also show you are not a pushover. "I DECIDED" is my favorite one. It's a very powerful statement when you've been used to getting walked all over and told what to do for so long. HA HA HA.
Get back in your house tonight and give us an update soon!
It was a trial separation. You gave it a good try. But it was not an improvement, so you are moving back home. Makes sense to me. Maybe she would give some of your ideas of a try now that you have tried hers.
It was a trial separation. You gave it a good try. But it was not an improvement, so you are moving back home. Makes sense to me. Maybe she would give some of your ideas of a try now that you have tried hers.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
THANKS SOOO much for the support..! I absolutely do feel deep inside that this was the best decision regardless of how my sitch turns out.. I move back in tonight. I was planning on moving back after the weekend BUT when she seemed nervous /anxious about when I planning on moving I just decided at that moment that it was TONIGHT.. (I gave W the impression that I have been moving my things back in all day today).
I have have not seen her this nervous/upset/scared/anxious like this in a long time.. My good friend tells me she no longer has a cake to have and eat it.!!
I plan on being cool, calm, continuing my 180's/GAL and getting busy with my kids again. I expect she will be pissed, angry, and mad as hell (I threw a wrench in her plans and caused her a crisis)...I will try my damnedest not to engage.. I expect the mother of all hissy-fits...
Some of the best response advice I received here was: "I'm sorry that you feel that way" "I can understand why you may feel that way" "I decided....."
The impression that she gave off was "WTF just happend here?" Yes, She was shocked.
Called the Atty, to figure out what my options are if she decides to take the kids from the home with her if she moves out...he wont be in till 1/4... hopefully her Atty is on vacation as well..
My mind is spinning, I know in my heart I did good today, just don't want this to blow up in my face... I've always been cautious and think things several steps ahead. Still scared but glad I did it....
Without a formal custody agreement in place, I'm assuming she wouldn't just run off with the kids, it would be dumb on her part, it would look like kidnapping, it is their home, moving them somewhere else so that you don't have access to them would be a blemish on her part.
Moving back in is the best thing you can do.
As for the crazy psycho hissy fit bat$hit crazy that you think you're expecting, multiply it by a factor of 10 and then at least you will be expecting it.
My advice when that happens, don't react emotionally to her emotional reaction.
She will be angry.
Just smile and handle it like a cool, calm, confident man.
Remember women test men, she'll be testing your reaction.
You are bullet proof (that's a figure of speech, I expect you to duck if she shoots at you with a gun LOL!), nothing she can scream, yell or say to you can hurt you especially if you know she's reacting because she feels insecure about the situation, she feels like she's losing control, she knows you're gaining some control, the dynamic in this power struggle is changing.
Just be cool.
And be strong for your kids and remind her to keep her craziness in check if the kids are present, they don't need to see this and you being at home where your kids live is the best thing for them - trust me: I went through this and it was the best move for me, you will gain alot of personal strength and confidence from this move back home and you will have alot of forward & upward momentum from now on.
