Please let me know the name of the lawyer who will be representing you no later than Monday, January 4th. Are you still considering the Collaborative Law process?
I don't know how to respond to this. ???
The kids were with him yesterday and were mad at him again discussing why he left. They tried to get him to say whether we are getting a divorce, and he danced around it. He also said things got too far and that we tried counseling.
Here's another comment from Xmas day:
Quote:
L will be contacting you (and/or your chosen legal advisor) to start working on a final arrangement as all our communication attempts have reached a non-productive level.
Can someone please help guide me?? I'm too close to this to see what to do!!
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Could he be trying to get me to talk? He mentioned to the kids that they don't want to talk to him and what would they accomplish not talking to him for a year or two?
Should I mention that I don't want a divorce? Should I tell him we need to talk? I think it might be a scare tactic of his. I won't respond until I figure out what to do. I meet with my L on Monday anyway.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I guess it's easy for me to read about another woman's sorry H and wonder why on earth she would want to go back to him. If you love the man and don't want a D.....that's your business. However, I do not understand wanting to reunite with a man you are afraid of, and who uses fear tatics.
Anyway, you asked about Dropping the Rope and I wrote my version of it on one of the LBH's threads. I will copy & paste it here. Just exchange the woman & man around and you'll get the idea of the LBS pulling on the rope that is tied to the WAS.
I can't help you with the legal stuff, but I think you need legal assistance. I don't know how you could possibly trust your H. I think he has serious issues and that you need to stay away from him, but like I said, it's your business.
Take care of yourself and stay safe.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dropping the Rope: (In this version, the man is the LBS and the woman is the WAS.)
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. They don't care what she does anymore.
And that.....is the way he should have been doing all the time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess it's fear to drop the rope. Fear of the unknown. I feel confident in myself to survive, but it's fear of pain of seeing him move on with OW, get married to her, sadness of the end of the R. I'm afraid of the pain of divorce. I've just had so much pain and don't want any more.
I do agree I need legal assistance. You are right, he does have serious issues and trusting him again would be incredibly difficult and almost impossible. Yeah, he has serious control issues... why do I still want him. I hate how rotten he's been to me. I deserve so much better. You are right. You're right. I've got to see the writing on the wall... I must drop the rope.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I bet you remember a lot of times that were your "first" and it was a little scary. Maybe very scary. You know......you don't sound like it is the man you want to hang to, but it was your life and in its own weird way....it was your comfort zone. A divorce would cause you to get out of any comfort zone of M and face life as a single woman. Doesn't mean you have to get out there in the dating world....if you don't want to. Just be your own person....doing whatever "you" want to do with your life. Doesn't that sound good? You would be free of his hold over you. You would not have to fear him b/c he could not control your life. The kids are old enough that they can speak for themselves and you wouldn't have to worry about so many things that you might if they would a lot younger.
I think you are just scared and you need to look at your future without him....in a positive way. Don't use him for any kind of "crutch" or comfort zone. I can't see where he would be good at either one. Besides.....he wants another woman. If he is fool enough to leave you for OW, then he doesn't deserve you. Yes....you deserve much, much better.
Don't let him bully you any longer. Get a lawyer, or free legal assistance.....whatever you can do. Get the best your money can buy. From what I've read here on the board, women always feel so much better after they have talked to a lawyer and see what can be done for them. You certainly need protection from him....and that needs to be in place, if you haven't already taken care of it.
Last edited by sandi2; 12/29/0911:08 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dropping the Rope: (In this version, the man is the LBS and the woman is the WAS.) <SNIP> And that.....is the way he should have been doing all the time.
It seems to work VERY differently if an A is involved though. It's not quite as clear cut and dried.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I hate how rotten he's been to me. I deserve so much better. You are right. You're right. I've got to see the writing on the wall... I must drop the rope.