That is exactly what I am saying. Either way you have to feel deep down in your bones that you will be okay and have an amazing life with or without your W. I don't want to see anybody get divorced but sadly, sometimes that is how things go. It's not that I don't care if you and your W get divorced but as I said, I feel that is a secondary issue. In reality you are divorced even though you don't have a legal document stating such. You live in separate homes, share custody of the children and she is with other men.
Do you think I got to this point overnight? I didn't but you know that as I have been very open about how I got to this point. Getting to a "new point" often requires us to make *very* hard and terrifying choices for our own well being. Taking control of our own lives for our own emotional and physical well being does not mean we are championing divorce. It means we understand that at points in our life we have to be our own leader even if it feels scary and different. Sometimes in life we have to step so far out of our comfort zone we yearn for some sort of map to provide us with *some* direction.
My parents were married for 30+ years and my father had lots of problems. My mom was in marriage counseling and IC alone for 20+ years and my father refused to go. He would go months without speaking a word to me, my sister or my mom because he "didn't feel like it". Eventually my mom got to a point where she was under so much stress that her heart was no longer working properly and unless she made some changes in her life she would not have a life to live as she would be dead. If she was dead my sister and I would have been left with what? A dad that refused to get help for his drinking, rage and depression issues? Exactly how much longer was my mom expected to "stand" for her marriage? Until her heart failed totally and she was dead in her mid 40's? What is the limit? FYI, my mom was a dedicated Catholic her entire life and didn't believe in divorce either.
My mom didn't bomb drop either and even stayed around another year to work on herself and see if my dad would ever join in. I remember the day my mom took my sister and I out for coffee to tell us her decision and how she sobbed and felt like she was ripping apart a family. My sister and I were rather vocal that the family we had was not functioning in a way that made us comfortable at all and we were actually relieved some end was in sight. Granted we were not small children at the time but my sister was a young teen and I was in my late teens. E (my sister = E) and I both knew from a very early age something was terribly wrong at home and my parents did not function as other married people did.
I have spent close to two years of my life conquering every fear and demon inside of me that prevented my growth. It has been hard as hell, exhausting and all consuming. It has also been the greatest challenge of my life, the most empowering time of my life and it is my second chance.
Do you think it was easy for me just a few months ago to call my attny and tell him that my H took off on vacation with his GF (and her brother paid for it) and he didn't even respect me enough to NOT lie about and it was time to turn everything over to the courts as I was done? It was one of the hardest calls I had to make. But I matter and if nobody else thinks so I know I do.
Do you think I harp on you just for kicks? I don't. I try and challenge you the way I was challenged so you know you aren't alone in being afraid but if you can just knock that fear in the face your life will get better. You don't have to knock it all down at once but if you can just pick one thing and really beat the crap out of it (metaphorically speaking of course) the rest of the stuff won't be so bad. It might not be great at first but "not great" is better than "terrible", right?
