First I am sorry for all your pain. You are doing so much that is absolutely right on. You also sound like someone who has figured things out quite quickly and through counseling and mutual friends (of both you and wife) have your own support group that can provide you with sounding board advice.
Bad things sometimes happen to good people. You have acknowledged your contributions to the R problem. You sound like you are taking steps to get a life. You are fighting for what you value and the emotional happiness of your children. Most importantly you have stopped snooping on your wife.
I think you have a game plan. My only suggestion would be to either be patient for the affair with the OM to go sour or figure out (with the help of others) how to bust the affair in a way that doesn't make you seem evil to your wife. Your discussion with your wife about not exposing your kids to the OM and his mother on the holidays is the moral high ground. You might want to talk to a divorce attorney about that issue and counselors on what can you do to protect your children without using them as pawns in a divorce proceeding.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
