Ordinarily, I would agree. But there are special circumstances. The class is put on in her place of business. She is the proprietor. She can inform him he is no longer welcome if she wants.
I certainly don't want to be controlling. I spent several months wondering if something was going on between my wife and OM while they were at this class. I asserted a boundry of no contact. If I back off, she will never respect me.
Wife called this afternoon. I listened to her talk about how she wants to sell the house and seperate so we can start our R over. I validated. I did not agree or disagree. I simply validated. I could tell she felt listened to. Is she legitimately trying to step back from the edge or is she just running away? She said she felt like I have been trying to push her to file, so she would be the bad guy. I validated.
I told her that I was not ready to make any decisions. She has had more time to think about things and I am not making any decisions at the moment.
I told her that I am most interested in healing from the A. Her call was intersting timing, I had just been reading Coach and S2's posts on PatPat's thread about the A. Coach and S2 each said that A talk is a form of pressure and was counter productive. I have asserted my boundries very clearly. I told her I can't think of any better way to lead my family than to open up to trusting again. I could tell this had a profound impact upon her. I sensed this gained me some respect. Therefore, if she would like to talk about her A, I would listen but I would not bring up the subject again outside of counseling, if we get to that point. Of course, I will be keeping a weathered eye out!
On a lighter note, I would say just about anything to have sex. (Kidding)(Sort of)
If you are able to have sex with your pissed off wife ... Well, I got to hand it to ya .."The Art of Seduction" really worked. (kidding)
At some point, we have to realize that we can't control what our spouse does. If they want to have an affair, we can do all we can do to stop it and let them know that we don't condone that behavior, but if there is a will there is a way. I think trying to control them and trying to keep track of them pisses them off more.
It sucks being here. I hate this. ..... but it is, in a way, challenging;-) (trying to be positive)
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Strange exchange last night. After I dropped the rope on the A, she was stunned. She called about 8 times. I answered the third call and responded to one text. She went to a movie with SD20. The little ones and I went out for pizza.
When she got home, I was in bed. We talked for a few minutes. I was pleasant and engaging. She mentioned a black tie event coming up. I was restless so I got up and went to the sitting room. After a while she presented in the doorway. She asked what I was doing. I told her I was thinking. Eventually, I returned to bed. She was still awake. I chatted with her some more. She said something like, "Something is wrong". SHe has said this before when she suspected me of being involved with another person.(Never, ever happened. There was never even a person, significant or otherwise.)My response was, "A lot of things are wrong." HA! I have disrupted her system of thinking.
This morning, I came down stairs and presented with a smile and appeared to be content. She asked at the breakfast talble what I was thinking about last night. I told her I would not discuss it now and jestured to SD7. She has called twice already today. I was pleasant and cheerful.
It feels good to be disruptive to a bad system. I am starting to reconnect with my inner rebel!
Hi Wonderful! I am really sorry for all that you've been through, and are going through... BUT, you are a delightful read!!
I've been at this a LONG time... I've learned something from you (and Tridoc).
#1 - Get THE BOOK, and become a MASTER... LoL #2 - "It feels good to be disruptive to a bad system." It kind of reminds me of something SteveMcQueen wrote to someone else about BECOMING the WAS, and actually mirroring their actions.
Good stuff.
I'm going to get up, shower, dress for success, and find that inner rebel today!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Mindful, that is actually a seductive technique. It is called the indulgent strategy and allows you to enter their spirit. You mirror them and when this happens they become flattered. Having an A is not the idea.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Mindful and Sol--thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to receive support and praise from two wonderful women. I am gonna go do a GAL activity now I just came from the D atty office. He painted a very bleak picture. But there is no wise old oracle in this situation. There is only us. We happy few. We...ok I will stop.
