What is the right balance for a LBS who was the "colder" one, when the WAH has found a lover who presumably--holds nothing back! Love and sex and reassurance all the time...
With no contact, the best thing you can do is to keep working on YOU. When contact happens, YOU will be able to project a more loving, sexier and compassionate person.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What is the right balance for a LBS who was the "colder" one, when the WAH has found a lover who presumably--holds nothing back! Love and sex and reassurance all the time...
With no contact, the best thing you can do is to keep working on YOU. When contact happens, YOU will be able to project a more loving, sexier and compassionate person.
That is so true, I wish I went NC in the beginning. Ive had NC for 1 mth and 2 weeks, separated for 4 mths, with my WAS and today she came over to talk about the separation of property. The talk soon led to R talk and how unhappy she was. She claims she has been happy in the separation, but she admitted she is lonely, depressed, and scared. I stayed calm and firm, just listened. She started crying and I held her hand. I do still care about her, but I have also been deeply hurt by her and built up a wall around me. She said that I looked good (ive been working out and running 2 miles a day, lost 60lbs in 4mths). She also said that every time she comes over she sees another self-help book, asked me why I didnt do this before. I told her from the beginning I cannot change the past, only the future. The things that Ive learned in the past 4 mths during therapy and reading these books will definitively help me out in my future relationships. I feel like a new person, in control, physically fit. Sure I am scared of what the future holds but I have to keep thinking positive and do my best.
Last edited by brknheart; 12/02/0912:03 AM.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
I feel my progress of detachment has come crumbling down. About a week or so ago, my WAS and I started talking to each other again and doing things together. Now she feels we are going to "fast" and doesnt want to just get back together. (More details on this in my other thread). With the time ive spent with her, I cant stop thinking about her and want to be with her more. Feels like I just became attached again... What a bad feeling...
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
I feel my progress of detachment has come crumbling down. About a week or so ago, my WAS and I started talking to each other again and doing things together. Now she feels we are going to "fast" and doesnt want to just get back together. (More details on this in my other thread). With the time ive spent with her, I cant stop thinking about her and want to be with her more. Feels like I just became attached again... What a bad feeling...
She's finding that despite her protests, she still has feelings for you. This confuses her, so she's pulling back.
It's normal. So give her some space.
As for not wanting to "just get back together", I agree with her 100%. You should tell her "I agree; our relationship was not healthy, and I'm willing to work with you to make it better."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
As for not wanting to "just get back together", I agree with her 100%. You should tell her "I agree; our relationship was not healthy, and I'm willing to work with you to make it better."
Yes, she knows I agree with that, but she wants some unreasonable stuff and is "not sure" if she wants to get back together... I am a wreck right now.
I found this article on detatchment that veterans of this board will find as a nice review peice, but it also may cover things in a slightly different way. It applies to those of us trying to detatch while having to maintain contact with the WAS.
It can take a while to develop indifference and emotional detachment. Until you reach the point where you no longer care what she says or does, my advice is to fake it ’til you make it.
Quote:
Alternatively, think of her as a lab animal who has learned which levers to push to get her reward pellet. When you stop rewarding her with the reaction she seeks, sit back and watch her go into overdrive. She’ll push even harder on your buttons and levers and try to find new ways to get a rise out of you. All you have to so is sit back, observe and smile until she gives up in confusion and despair.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Coach, please help! There is a newcomer in the WAW Sydrome Forum who needs to have a man get his attention. He's not waiting for advice and he's going to keep messing up until it's too late. Maynard under Please Help. Thanks.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
