Do I go to family counseling to help the kids cope?
Yes. They will need your support and need to know that you are there for them through this time.
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I'm half tempted to ask him to go to couples counseling, but that would be BAD.
I would give this a little longer, but it may not be a bad idea if things progress in a positive way back to the R.
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I really REALLY think I need to tell him I don't have OM. I feel weird having him think I replaced him already.
This is a tough one. On one hand, it is really drawing his interest back to you as is evident by the niceness and things he is trying to do for you. You are mysterious all of a sudden and it is getting his attention.
I don't know that I would give the info over just yet. Maybe wait and see how things progress. If at some point love looks like it is starting to return and things are heading into a healthy R, it may not be a bad idea to just let him know you have been trying to live your own life based on decisions he was handing you. I need to think more on this one. I would also listen to others advice as well on this one.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't now if I can sit there and tell my kids this is what is best for them.
I don't think you have to! I'm sure there's a way to tell them it's not what you want, that you're sad, too, and all of this stuff needs to be discussed, so everyone understands what's happening in the family.
How old are your kids again?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I get that, Kevin, but why is it necessary for us to go with them? Seems odd to me. I am fine with them seeing a counselor alone, though.
I think it adds support to them. You wouldn't be in the room with them unless the C asked you to which would probably not be the case. I guess that is up to you if you want to take them or have H take them or someone else.
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Plus, only one of us actually thinks this is a good idea. I don't now if I can sit there and tell my kids this is what is best for them.
I struggled with this one to. I still do actually. Infact I do not tell my kids this is what is best for them. In reality, it isn't. But I do tell them this is a decision their mother has chosen to make and we have to make the best of what we have regardless. I also tell them that their mother does love them and will always be there for them just like I will.
Many will disagree with me on this and have. I stand by my core beliefs though and my kids know it. I won't advocate something I don't believe in to them especially knowing if I do how it might affect their own M's later on in life when things hit a rough spot. People will tell you that you want to make the kids as comfortable as possible with the situation to put the least amount of hurt in them and then you can explain your beliefs later on in life when they are older and more able to understand.
I am not really a fan of that but can see their point. I think if something is wrong, it is wrong. I don't intend to raise my kids with the notion that this is how we handle problems in the M or family. They will know that sometimes people will disagree and every person makes their own decisions. But I won't lie to them and tell them this is ok when I don't believe it to be so. I won't take them down a path of beliefs that I don't subscribe to just to make their mother happy. I will reinforce her love for them, but will not stand in agreement on this decision.
I don't know if that helps, but it is what I have done.
Kevin
Last edited by K4D; 12/29/0905:57 PM.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think I might ask him why he wants to go to counserling. He is/was very anti counseling, so I am very suspicous of his motivation. He was a jackass for months, and then poof he starts being civilized because I asked him to?! I don't buy it.
Wow. SadGirl. You have a handfull there... Hell, an armfull!!
I still think it's a good idea, no matter HIS motivation. A good counselor will see through him, call him on it, and guide your conversations productively.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think the answer might be to ask a counselor. I think I agree with you, I don't see the benefit to all of you going together. But why not ask an expert, or even two?
I feel kind of the same way, Kevin. I believe divorce isn't ano option, but I have no choice.
My D12 and I were watching The Nanny yesterday. Fran and Max were getting married. They got to the "til death do us part" line, and D12 says... that's a crock of crap. So sad.
