I have been reading the Art of Seduction. I think there are some things that we can take from it but, it seems to be aimed at those women who don't know who we are before they are seduced. It is tough to do that in our shoes, however, like I said we can still takes away some tips from the book and use them in our favor.
My W seems to have gotten over her anger. I think that has occurred because I am not pursuing her anymore and her A is over. Now all she is dealing with is the resentment of how I have treated her in the past.
I would tell her not to speak to you in a disrespectful manner in front of the kids or anyone for that matter. You can't tolerate that.... to be treated like a doormat. This behavior needs to stop. Don't be afraid of her, be a man and tell her that you won't tolerate that.
Keep up the good work. We can do this. My therapist said that 70% of people in our shoes walk.... We are taking the high road and the most difficult path.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Thanks Doc. I appreciate your words of support. I agree with you about The Art of Seduction. It is not a perfect fit for us, but there are some useful tips we can incorporate into our relationsips.
I had a major BACKSLIDE last night. I got sucked into an argument. W was pressuring about selling the house. I have told her that I would not agree to list the house until the first of next year. It escalated. I, for the first and only time in our M, resorted to name calling. I called her a "F**king liar". I then told her that if she wanted a divorce to hire a L and file. I felt terrible. I believe she is seriously depressed and I lashed out at her. I feel terrible for this.
Shortly thereafter, I appologized for letting my emotions get the better of me. Later, she said she wanted to talk. I agreed to listen. She was calm and went through a lot of her problems. I VALIDATED. I did not agree with her on anything. I VALIDATED. She said she did not want a divorce(in an indirect way.). I validated. She explained that she is not ready to let go of her feelings for her deceased ex-husband. I validated. She explained she why she had the A(b/c our marriage has been unfullfilling). I Validated. She explained why she wanted to move back into town. I validated. She explained she wanted to seperate so we can work on our problems. I validated. She explained a seperation would be hard on the kids. I validated. She then got angry. I validated. she tried to bully me into an agreement to sell the house, not file myself, and seperate. All this tells me is she is confused and wants control. Her final scornful words were, "You are so sure of yourself." My response, "I am glad you are finally seeing that."
The A is still a sticky subject with me. (I only discovered it two weeks ago). She reiterated she got "sucked into" the A because our marriage was unfulfilling. I validated. But I also thought this would be an opportunity to create some mystery. I told her that my marriage has been unfullfilling for serveral months. I have many needs that are not being met. Essentially, I insinuated that I was considering getting my needs met elsewhere. (I have no intention of doing so, one bad relationship is enough for me.)Hopefully, this was a 2 x 4, to make her notice me as desirable. Maybe it was just one more stupid thing, I said in a string of stupid things.
I think when you apologized, your wife looked at it as a position of vulnerablity. She took advantage of the situation to try to get her way into selling the house. She is trying to manipulate you.
Read the story of Kaoru on page 140 of the Art of Seduction. I think this applies directly to your sitch.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Doc--I read the story of Kaoru.(I keep my copy locked in my office drawer.) YIKES! Unfortunately, that text offers nothing in advise other than, 'run like hell'. I am certain she is trying to manipulate me. There was despiration in her voice after I called her bluff on the D. She needs to have control over the situation because she has no control over herself. She also wants me to still be there to kick around, doesn't she? She is soo mixed up. It is so hard for me to accept that I can do nothing to help her now. (You probobly have told patients that they need to stop smoking, havent you? You can't quit for them though.)
It is so hard for me to accept that I can do nothing to help her now.
That's a source of anger, you are still trying, waiting and hoping she will be the one to change. In DB terms that's called "dropping the rope." Stop pulling on a person that doesn't want to move, it feels good for both of you. Use all that energy on something positive.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have been reading the Art of Seduction. I think there are some things that we can take from it but, it seems to be aimed at those women who don't know who we are before they are seduced. It is tough to do that in our shoes, however, like I said we can still takes away some tips from the book and use them in our favor.
My W seems to have gotten over her anger. I think that has occurred because I am not pursuing her anymore and her A is over. Now all she is dealing with is the resentment of how I have treated her in the past.
I would tell her not to speak to you in a disrespectful manner in front of the kids or anyone for that matter. You can't tolerate that.... to be treated like a doormat. This behavior needs to stop. Don't be afraid of her, be a man and tell her that you won't tolerate that.
Keep up the good work. We can do this. My therapist said that 70% of people in our shoes walk.... We are taking the high road and the most difficult path.
That may be the aim but overall it's a textbook on triggering attraction, the principles work regardless if you know someone or not. Attraction itself doesn't care if people know each other or not. Understanding attraction and how to attract women is a fundamental requirement to having a good relationship.
Coach and OP--Thanks for your valuable insights and advice.
It is hard to do because she is more attached to the shadow of an illusion than she is her own children and family. I must accept and turn it over to God.
I am going to see my IC today. One of the things, I will discuss the issue of how to drop the rope and focus energy on something positive(Or in IC speak, how to cope with depression of spouse?).
It is intersting that she has gone from 'I want a divorce now' to 'I want a seperation at some point in the future'. I think this change is the result of busting the A and detatchment.
By the way, how do you guys think I did in the argument I had with her and my recovery? Coach, I have beeen working really hard on letting go of my negative emotions. I fumbled, but recovered.
On Wed. nights my wife and OM had been attending a class. It was cancelled last week due to the holiday. It is scheduled for this week. Therefore, I believe it was appropriate to reassert the boundry. IC said it was a good idea also.
I called her and told her my concern. In response, I recieved anger and threats to file. If he comes to class, so be it she said. I reiterated my boundry was that I would not share her with OM, and if there was contact, I would expose the A. I added that if he was there, then I would be there as well. She said she would not be threatened.I reiterated I was not making a threat, I was asserting a boundry. Anger, anger, anger. I remained calm. I don't particularly feel good about that conversation.
