To snoop, or not to snoop - what do you think?

[narwhal]

This topic is for discussion of spying on a spouse.

• Is snooping ever good or useful? Or is it always bad, for self or for the R in the long term?
• Are some kinds of snooping O.K., others not?
• Is snooping justified in some cases, like to expose an affair?

Interested in hearing from both sides - being spied upon, as well as spying on S.

Let's try to keep to the topic.

[narwhal]

My W said that she felt that she felt she would be tempted to have an affair, since she's not getting her emotional needs met in our M. I snooped around on her computer, found some incriminating evidence (email in response to a personals ad), and confronted her with it. That led to a good discussion, which I think has helped our (still very tenuous) situation.

But now I keep checking her computer - recent e-mails, Web sites visited. Her cell phone, too. Nothing suspicious is showing up. But I feel awful snooping around like this. I would much rather be able to trust her. Plus, she could surely make a new anonymous e-mail account and use it from a computer at school if she wanted to hide further bad actions.

So am I just making myself feel like a rotten sneak, without doing any good?

[nikblondiew]

Well........I can tell you that as a wife I trusted him 100% up until 2 years ago. Women's intuition was telling me something was off....sensed it for a few months. I checked our cell phone bill and was nothing short of shocked. He'd been talking around the clock with my best friend of a decade. They were having an affair. So, while snooping be careful, you may run into something you're not prepared to deal with. It was devastating!

[nikblondiew]

I'm not saying that directly to you nar but just general statements about the topic

[chatterbug]

it is not snooping. It is uncovering secerts. There are no secerts in a healthy relationship.

[mindfull]

There are no secrets in a healthy relationship.

This is good.

[narwhal]

But isn't snooping itself a secretive activity? If I read my wife's e-mail and check her cell phone calls, I am being secretive.

Another way, I suppose, would be to say "I am now checking your e-mail (read as: I do not trust you!)" That doesn't seem healthy either....

[chatterbug]

No. You are not. Do you hide your emails and cell phones from your wife?

Or do you leave everything open so she can check any time.

Think back to when everything was healthy. No one would ever question looking at emails, looking in a purse. Its a non issue. If you asked her for her cell she would toss it to you. Why. Becasue there is nothing to hide.

There is no room for secerts in a marriage.
Privacy is when you go to the bathroom. You close the door.
Everything else is 100% transparent.

And no you should not trust her. She is leaving the marriage. Do you want to find out why? Or are you just content with what she says?

P.S. Hide this site.

[narwhal]

Hey cutterbug,

How on earth does what you're saying make sense??

It is O.K. for me to look at my wife's e-mail, Web browsing history, etc., because "there is no room for secrets in a marriage."

And in the next breath "Hide this site."

Am I missing something, or is that full-on hypocrisy?

[chatterbug]

Treat this site as an online IC.

You are going to need this site to help you in the upcoming months. Sorry but that is a fact. It is not hypocrisy. You are not pretending to hold different believes or standards by hiding this site. You are using this site to help save your marriage. Right now its only you. When things get better you can introduce her to the site. Just not now. She would not be ready for this.

If I was you I would be putting a keylogger on the computer and I would monitor all activity. Treat her as a child right now. For she is not of sound mind and is not capable of making rational decisions.