I've read many posts and realized how much supportive you've been to people having similar circumstances. That does encourage me to join the forum for valuable advices from you folks.
My story is like this. I’m 42 (will be 43 in January). W is 40. We have a daughter (9) and son (41/2). Met W 10 years ago.
We dated for 3 months and decided to get married in 1999.
I have been a good father but not a good husband as my wife said. She’d suspected me on cheating her, but I’ve been clean 100%. No foul play. In addition, she is not happy with me because: • I’ve ignored her • Didn’t stand up for her with my family • Didn’t respect her • Didn’t validate her feelings and understand her • Wasn’t romantic • She’s felt insecure with me because I can leave her
W warned me a couple of times and discussed with me about her feelings toward our marriage. I wasn’t that focus to fix things even though I’ve been continuously to be nice with her, helped her out as much as I could, and taken care the kids which I have thought that my ways of showing her I love her. I told her I love her but she said I wasn’t sincere. It’s partly true because at that time I thought that she has not shown her ready for a marriage. My MIL and I took care the kids most of the time while she’s complained about how miserable of having kids is. We really didn’t communicate very well and didn’t put our marriage as our priority.
In 2005, she took over a business and has run it by herself. She has done very well since.
In July, she told me she wanted to separate from me. She loves me because I’m father of our kids but is not in love with me. Her feeling toward me is little. It will take time to have it back according to her. She told me she missed the romantic time that we didn’t have. Now, she feels she needs to do it because life is short. Then, I found out about her EA. OM is a lawyer who is her customer as well as represented her in a personal injury case. He’s 50 and recently divorced. This guy is in town. Not like many other posts I’ve read when OPs are long distance.
The problem of me that I waited until my wife has someone else then started to fix the marriage, but it was a screw up. I was thinking that yes it was my fault, so I let her basically seeing this guy day in day out while trying to tell her that our marriage should be fixed first before anything else happens. I pursued, begged, and consulted her, and was her doormat. For one thing I have not done but never will is snooping on her. I did check her cell phone though and found out she talked to her friends about her feelings toward OM and wanted to divorce me and asked them for advices. Fortunately, these people basically told her to fix our marriage first. I even saw some flirting messages between her and OM. I have completely stopped checking her cell phone for about two months because the lesser I know is better I think.
Things are getting worse when I pushed her in R talks. One day, I found out she lied to me to go out of town with OM for two days. I confronted her, and few days later I got her texting message to OM that she thinks she’s getting close to live with him and she’s happy to have him. I told my MIL, who lived with us during weekdays to watch our kids about her daughter’s EA, which I had kept spreading out to anyone. On note, MIL and my wife’s family love me. They know I’m a devoted husband and father. MIL talked to W but her hands certainly tie because now it’s her daughter’s life. I have not talked to my family (mom and siblings) about her EA. I told her I’ve kept my family away from being involved. However, she told one of my BILs that she and I both have another relationship – it’s not true on my part, and when she’s remarried she will invite him. I did even call the OM to tell him how shameful he is, he screws up a family of the young kids and he needs to back off from my wife.
I only talked to one of my friends. This guy also is a high school classmate of W. I met W through him. He was frank and objective. He told me about my mistakes and he tried to talk her out. Nothing happened. I even talked to a girlfriend of hers. This girlfriend has been very frankly about what W has told her and fed me with a lot of the information. She knows W is wrong but cannot do anything about it excepting that being very supportive to me. W of course doesn’t know I talked to this person. That’s why I know that my wife’s made up her mind to stick with this OM and is very serious with this man (or her fantasies?). She respects and thinks highly regards of him.
I still have sexed with my wife 2/3 times a week because one thing for sure that we both enjoy it. She’s admitted that she still has some affection, and she has good feelings when having sexed with me. My wife is not a type of persons that can sleep with anyone. Even though she’s in love with this OM, I don’t think they have any sexual intercourse. I could be wrong. I don’t know my wife at all when she is involved in this. On my side, I like it because I feel that I can show her how confident I’m. I have to admit that having sex has helped us reduce our stress and depression during the ordeal. This is also one of the reasons that I think I can win her back. Of course, sex alone is not a guarantee.
One day, I told her I will move out if she is not clear one way or the other. My wife asked me to stay home because the kids need me while she decided what to do. She even mentioned about an open marriage. I told her it’s not a healthy relationship and moved out. Nonetheless, I came home after two days because the kids asked me – I still kept the rented room just in case. She’s till in contact with him about twice a week. However, I decide to blindside because I can not control her and can only control myself.
I found out about DR and DB’s website in late November. I’ve even bought six sessions to consult with Coach Jodie, used 3, and have 3 more to go. I have not given up because I think this should be a battle of my life that I will fight no matter what an outcome will be. I have read many threads about people not giving up on their marriages. However, it would be crazy to think that the ending of my sitch is bright and colorful. I just wanted to know that I unearthed all the rocks and was able to tell my kids in their eyes later that I fought for their family very hard. My kids have not known anything about the ordeal since we have both tried not to talking about our R in front of them. I know for sure that my wife’s so involved with her fantasies. I understand how’s addicted she is right now. She’s a strong believer in her feelings and feels secured about her new relationship this OM. Therefore, I realistically have stopped working on our R and tried 180s for about a month. I’ve kept reading do and don’t to make sure I’m on track and been mysterious about what I’m doing.
Three weeks ago, my wife told me that a friend of hers bought a ticket for her to go to California. She proved it to me. I said no because I won’t be home on the weekend. Note that I always let her going anywhere before the EA. I understand her needs to seeing friend and enjoy her time. She’d gone by herself many times before, even when my D was 3-month old and I took time off to watch her. However, this time I’m not a Mr. Nice anymore. She texted me that she made up her mind and we should go on our separate ways – Big D she meant. She doesn’t want me to hope and wait. I said that’s fine and told that we needed to talk about it. I waited for her to start a conversation but nothing happened. Ten days ago, I told her I went out for a dance and will be home by 10:30. When I came home, she still was up with our kids. She looked upset. During that weekend, she said she’s basically happy for me because I’m happy. I kept the conversation short. On Monday, she texted me about her unhappiness because our checking accounts and she has a D paper ready and asked me to think about it carefully before signing it. On the same day I had a phone consultation with Jodie and I read to her about my wife’s texting message. Jodie walked me through how to respond and talk to her about what would we do if we stay on marriage. Jodie also told me to tell W that I’m not sure about what to do next, so things are in my control now whether it’s me wanting a D or not. W and I haven’t talked about D. I think she waits to next week. I’ve shown her I don’t care about D any more and go on with my life. On the Christmas day, I told her I moved back in (my Lawyer instructed me to stay if I can handle my emotions).
My wife has started to take my kids out to see this OM and his mother. On Thanksgiving, she took my D out to have diner with this OM’s family. I told her not to expose our kids to this. However, she did it again on the Christmas Day with both my S and D. Even worse, last Saturday, when I left for MD to see my mom and siblings with out the kids, and didn’t tell her where I went. She took the kids out with this OM because she’s angrily with me because I didn’t tell her where I went. I plan to confront her next time if she wants to take our kids with the OM again. Here what I plan to do: talk to W is not wise to have our kids exposed to the OM because he is an as#hole and screw up their family. We are not divorced yet, so I have a right to say who my kids can see. I think I can tell her that if she continues to do it I will come to OM’s office and tell him to back off from my kids. His interference with my family is not appreciated.
I won’t be back to work until Jan. 4th. Therefore, I want to read DR and the forum as much as I can to prepare myself for a long haul and uphill battle I’m determined to fight. It’s my life so I decide what to do. Hope I can get some valuable advices to put out a game plan. Any input is greatly appreciated
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
