Antlers, that is what I am trying to do. I put my all into Christmas and it appears to have not gotten my W even phased. Although Jon calls BS on that with her. But none the less, I am living my life for me and my daughters
Kevin, read this and tell me what's wrong with it.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I am sure you are pointing out the contradiction of me saying I am living my life for me and my daughters and at the same time I took a gamble with Christmas and put my all into seeing if there was any way to turn the events around. It was a gamble that didn't pay off the way I hoped it might. Nothing more.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think what all of us want you to really try and understand and implement is changing the way you view things.
Yes, obtaining a better job will improve your future in a monetary sense but did you ever stop to think the reason you don't have a better paying job is in large part due to some issues you have not yet addressed?
You stated you knocked your socks off to give your girls a good holiday. In the same sentence you also stated your W didn't seem to notices. That is the exact reason so many of us try and point out to you that EVERY action you take seems to come back to your W and what she will think. Please don't come back with some justification or excuse - there isn't one and your words are out there for all to see.
You and your children are NOT at the mercy of your W and her decisions. You and the children *are* a family and an in tact one at that. You don't need your W to create a family, you have the power to do that all on your own.
You always claim to have so much on your plate but IMO those "things" are all outside things and the core issues you struggle with still very much exist. Your W has so much power over you it is alarming. How can you create any sort of R with a person that has so much control over you? What you fail to realize is the *only* way to even begin to think about creating a new R is NOT allow her to have that control over you. She knows she can control you so she does. It is old hat to her. How can you be so dedicated to a woman that has no respect for you as a man?
You are like a sponge - you soak up any bit of attention she gives you in hopes she will realize how "nice" you are and come back. Has that worked? It has not. You equate standing your ground as a man with being mean and it quite simply is not the case.
On Christmas Eve when she came to your apartment to prepare the gifts for the children you described to us in great detail how she was shivering and asked you to warm her up. IMO you holding her did nothing but prove to her that you would still offer affection while she was sleeping with other men. I would have looked at her like she was from Mars, winked at her and said in a flirty and sexy way "sorry babe, wouldn't want to confuse you with affection, the blankets are in the linen closet". So what if she stomped her feet and pouted? In fact, her stomping her feet and pouting would have given you the perfect opportunity to use on of RobX's lines about not tolerating her crappy behavior.
A new house, a new job or any other "outside" factor will not change what really needs to be changed. I hope one day you truly realize that.
I am sure you are pointing out the contradiction of me saying I am living my life for me and my daughters and at the same time I took a gamble with Christmas and put my all into seeing if there was any way to turn the events around. It was a gamble that didn't pay off the way I hoped it might. Nothing more.
Kevin
And that is why you fail.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
On Christmas Eve when she came to your apartment to prepare the gifts for the children you described to us in great detail how she was shivering and asked you to warm her up. IMO you holding her did nothing but prove to her that you would still offer affection while she was sleeping with other men. I would have looked at her like she was from Mars, winked at her and said in a flirty and sexy way "sorry babe, wouldn't want to confuse you with affection, the blankets are in the linen closet". So what if she stomped her feet and pouted? In fact, her stomping her feet and pouting would have given you the perfect opportunity to use on of RobX's lines about not tolerating her crappy behavior.
Honestly CG, I am just not quick with comeback flirty lines. I end up being like a deer caught in the headlights more often than not.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Thanks City Girl. Not sure if Kevin got what you were saying but it hit home from me!
Kevin got it. Kevin gets it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Because I took a gamble that paid off with W's family but not with W? I don't know. If the family starts warming up to me again and seeing I am not this monster I was made out to be, I think that is a positive step in the right direction. More positive steps in the right direction could eventually lead to some kind of turn around in the future. I wouldn't say it was a complete failure, but maybe the first step completed in a long series of more steps to be taken.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
All this talk about lines yesterday and no comments or opinions on the Johnny Bravo lines I posted? I think some of them may actually be usuable in certain situations.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It is not necessary for you to come back with some flirty line. What IS necessary is for you to come back with some boundaries that tell her you will no longer be her whipping boy and if she chooses not to respect you as a man then she will get nothing from you other than co-parenting support.
W: I am cold, hold me and warm me up You: No, I do not care to do that... we need to get this show on the road and finish the Xmas preparations so I can get to bed.
Plain, simple and a very clear boundary.
You always make excuses as to why you cannot do something. Somebody (SM?) urged you to start with the BASICS and that would be setting boundaries as a MAN who will tolerate nothing else but respect. Her sleeping with other men as she pleases then coming over to play "happy family" because it is a holiday AND asking you to hold her while she shivers *should* be unacceptable to you.
