Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[ShockedOne]

I don't buy that he is having no contact if he still plans to contact after the holidays. Unless the OW is in a similar situation that she plans to end some other relationship also after the holidays. Just my 2 cents. If he is going to leave you regardless after December, then why allow him the control to tug on your heartstrings like that. Tell him straight up, if you are going to be out anyway, then just go now. If not, and you are willing to commit to OUR FAMILY, then OW must be completely cut from your life forever.

[January girl]

I just wanted to get thru Christmas because we have two
small children. They love their daddy so much it's hard..
Our son is only 15 months and our daughter is 8. But I think
you are right...I'm sure he is lying and having contact with
her. (He is classic MLC and depression.) Money is a HUGE issue with him moving out. Our whole family will suffer once he does it.

[January girl]

You were all correct. He is still in contact with OW daily.
I survived Christmas but just barely. It was my most unhappy
holiday ever. I'm trying to survive but it's hard. I'm sure
he is having a PA now. What is SO strange is his daily sadness...I guess it's just part of MLC. He IS doing some reading about it now. I think that is at least good. Anyone
have ANY encouraging words? I really need some.

[soleil]

Congrats to you for surviving Christmas. That is a huge deal, January!
He's "sad" because you called him on his BS and told him the OW and him are not going to wash right with your marriage.
Don't feed into it.
Start distancing yourself, Jan.

[January girl]

Soleil-
Thanks for the kind words. He acts so strangely...some
days so blue and some days almost maniac. Getting thru this
is such a ride.

[Wonderful!]

JG,
I understand your problem. I am dealing with major depression and post-A fall out. Somedays my wife is so far down, other times she is relatively normal(to everyone but me). Perhaps saying it to you will help me do a better job of it myself...try to focus on your own healing and overall well-being. You will come through this emotionally and spiritually better off.

[Deep]

Sorry to hear of your pain JG.

I think your H is simply in the emotional throes of an A and the after effects of gorging on cake.

As Trent sort of put it - boundaries, decisions, and consequences. You have now caught him breaking a boundary. What are your thoughts on your actions now?

It sucks how it affected Christmas. But the one thing you can't do now is nothing. And I wouldn't put too much stock into his sadness, angst, reading etc.

[Awoken]

I survived Christmas but just barely.
It was my most unhappy holiday ever. I'm trying to survive but it's hard.

Yes, the holidays are tough. Good for you for surviving!
Even better for you for thinking of your kids first!

It must be hard knowing that he is in contact with OW daily. I'm sure he is sad, and as hard as it is too hear, you should remember that he is in trauma too. No excuses though!

Soleil said "Don't feed into it". She's right, who knows exactly why he is sad and more importantly, you shouldn't be worried about him. My WAW has ping-ponged back and forth from fury to apparent joy. Don't believe any of it. No mind reading. Focus on yourself. What are you doing to GAL? To 180?

Just the way you described your concern for your kids tells me you can focus on the important things. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for you and your kids now, and for your M. Let your H deal with his own problems.

Hang in there, January!

[January girl]

I want to 180 but I'm not sure what exactly to do. In the past I was a very outspoken, team-oriented, gentle, and dependent spouse. I have started being more independent by not asking him for anything except help with the kids when I absolutely have to.
I have started organizing the house the way I want it. I have started spending more quality time with the kids by myself. What is hard is I don't how to interact with him differently. I lost it a few times over the holidays...yelling, name-calling, crying and just acting like a complete a$$. I know I have to
do better about getting control of myself but at the same time I just could not sit still for the bull$hit that he was handing out. He is full MLC.

[Awoken]

I want to 180 but I'm not sure what exactly to do.

I so understand what you mean!
Read DR again, and take notes in the margins. It's been helping me a lot. It's easy to throw out the word '180' here, but I know implementing it takes some effort, even though it's a simple concept: do the opposite of what you are used to doing. If it's not working, do something else.

For me, the hardest part is that my 180's require me to basically do things that I am not comfortable with. My very participation here in the forum is a good example. I'm not usually comfortable in social settings with strangers, and it took a lot for me to start posting here, and even more for me to start replying to other peoples post. I see that you don't post very often here; if you are not very social, are feeling isolated, consider posting here more often.

In the past I was a very outspoken, team-oriented, gentle, and dependent spouse. I have started being more independent by not asking him for anything except help with the kids when I absolutely have to. I have started organizing the house the way I want it. I have started spending more quality time with the kids by myself.

Ok, this all sounds like a good start. But be more specific. What do you want for yourself? Go after that. You were team-oriented, but he's quit the team! Don't be MORE independent, be independent. Again, it's counter-intuitive.

In my case, I knew I needed to get more healthy: I changed my diet dramatically, and began a daily walking routine. I've lost 25 pounds. The change in diet really pissed of my W, although she didn't show it for weeks. I didn't think she noticed anything.

I had often worked long hours "to provide" for my family. Even though it cost me income, I've committed to going to every function in my kids lives. Again, pissed off W.

I had neglected my friends and family in favor of my M, so I've started spending more time outside of the house, with my friends! Ironically, it's made me a better dad.

What is hard is I don't how to interact with him differently. I lost it a few times over the holidays...yelling, name-calling, crying and just acting like a complete a$$. I know I have to
do better about getting control of myself but at the same time I just could not sit still for the bull$hit that he was handing out. He is full MLC.

I think your 180 here is to STOP interacting with him, except when needed. We've all lost control before when confronted with the completely irrational cr#p that WAS throws at us. If you really start to 180, expect the cr#p to get worse too.

Listen, I understand you miss H and even those awful confrontations may provide some relief to the chasm of emptiness that he has left you with. Still, you need to focus on yourself, and the best way to do that is to stop talking with him. Since you've lost it a few times, if you start being calm and collected and unavailable, he'll likely be surprised at your change. The key here is to do it for yourself and your kids.

One of my big mistakes was(is!) that in trying to limit my communication with my W, I tended to come across as hostile and like I was inflicting guilt. You need to be indifferent, too busy with your own life. You are moving on, taking care of January-Girl.

One last thing:
I'm doing my best here with this post..it's my longest one I've written for someone else. The vets here will have better advice and be more articulate. Please take the time to read other threads about 180's and detachment. Learn to use the search function if you haven't yet.

You CAN do this. Get focused!