You know, marrying someone isn't the same as having a great relationship with them. Your ex has clearly never taken the time to deal with the issues you list above, and so is incapable of really loving another person at the moment. I know it's only another statistic, but the number of marriages to the OW which last are about 3%, so you know it's going to be fraught with problems.
I found it best, when thoughts of the OW came to mind, to "bless" her with the wish that, what she gave out, she would get back tenfold. (I figured if she managed to sort out her issues and became truly loving and caring, she'd become too happy to continue the OW cycle ... but if she continued to prey on married men and want others to take care of the problems she'd caused, she'd end up with being cheated on and causing greater problems for herself.) With that I'd dismiss her from my mind.
You know, it DOES feel like the end of all romantic hopes at this point. Let yourself grieve it--but give yourself a deadline, after which he's not worth it anymore.
What are you scared of?
How was your trip last summer? Did you get to BC? How is the new apt working out, and how are the cats?
