HELP! Not sure what to do after setting boundary

[4luv]

Last Thread

My last thread is above. I need help. At 530pm today I gave my husband the "drop the rope speech" and the conclusion was that I was moving forward as long as he was in an emotional or physical affair. He also said he wanted to move forward so that is where we are. the problem is I am not sure what moves to make now. My husband acted like he could care less as I told him that I wouldn't share him with another woman and he was the one to basically first say "well, I told you I want to move on." This time I agreed that was the best thing to do.

Since our short talk, my husband has called me 3 times for NO REASON. I am sure it is a boundary test but i am not sure I am handling it correctly. I missed his first call and then he called again an hour after that. When i picked up he said that he was calling to see what I was doing (he NEVER does this) and I told him that i was out eating and went to the gym. Then he lingered on the phone in silence. I asked him what did he want and he mumbled something then said nothing and got off the phone. The third time he called was a few hours later and this time he asked about our son. I told him son was at my parent's house and I wasn't there so I didn't know if son was asleep or not. he then asked where I was, i told him. Husband then starts telling me how much he loves the watch that i got him for Christmas. I told him I am glad and then I said "well, I have to go so talk to you later."

It just seems weird to have this sort of conversation after a convo where we basically decided to move forward (i.e. divorce) although husband will not say the word divorce or separate.

I don't want to mess up so I really need some help. Why is husband contacting me more after this serious conversation? Is he testing me? My husband is great with mind games and manipulation so I have to be on top of my game with him.

[Ready2Change]

From just reading your last few posts, I would strongly suggest that you ignore him. Let phone calls go to VM. Delay your response and then respond via text (If a response is REQUIRED). Be mysterious.

Project that you do not need him and will not be disrespected.

[gucci loafer]

Yes. Ignore his calls for a full day. Don't return any of them.
Then after a full day go ahead and answer a call from him and act like nothing happened. When he asks why you didn't return his calls, just say "sorry, but I was busy"... Then leave it at that. Then immediately cut that phone call short by saying "hey I am on the other line or hey I am just leaving, or hey I am in the middle of something I have to go, let me call you back".. and THEN do NOT call him back.... He will then call you back and say "I thought you were going to call me back".... "oh, sorry, I forgot, what did you want?"..
then after he tells you what he wanted, make THAT call short and tell him another excuse to get off the phone... wash, rinse, repeat. Avoidance. Not mean, not angry. just a busy, I have to go attitude because I have a lot going on and don't have time to chit chat....

Then hang up and avoid him again for awhile... Do not be mean, but make sure you are mysterious and cut the phone calls short. Don't return any calls at this point. Make him keep calling and answer only once in a while. Act like you are in a hurry to GET OFF THE PHONE because you are busy.

Remember. You told him you are dropping the rope. If you meant what you said, then you HAVE to act like a person who drops the rope. If you don't follow through on this then he will see right through it and you will be back to square one. What you are doing is working. Don't change what is working. He WANTS to chase you. Give him that chance. He can't chase if you don't move on away from him. Reveal nothing. If he asks if you are seeng someone else, tell him you don't want to talk about that. Don't tell him yes or no. WONDER is what drives them crazy. He needs to wonder. Make him wonder what you are thinking.

[Gnosis]

4luv one more tactical tip on the phone game:

Every now and again when you answer one of his calls you start with a very cheerful "Hey! I'm so glad you called back." Then when you "realize" it's him, drop the tone of your voice down about three notches to a more formal, business-like tone. e.g. "Oh, hi. Whats up?" Listen for a short bit, before cutting him short, "Look I'm expecting another call. I'll call you back, OK?" ... drop the line and DON'T call him back.

Good luck.

[fjal]

Going through the exact same thing myself at the moment.

Make sure you steel yourself to see it through and enforce your boundary. There is no point in threatening war if you are not willing to put your army on the border and cross it. Remind yourself that you are so much better than this crap.

I have a similar situation with a WAW denying that the affair is ongoing but I at least managed to bust that lie and get her to admit its ongoing. I considered that to be first base.

Best of luck - I'll follow to see how you get on.

[4luv]

Oh my!!!

Gucci, R3C, Gnosis, and fjal....thanks so much for the feedback.

Gucci, I have come to this point based on some several posts I read from you but especially pearl's stitch and how you and puppy guided her. I also read about others who dropped the rope and either reconciled or moved or to better things without the spouse.

I am going to follow through full steam ahead as there is no looking back and I have let this back and forth go on for far too long. My husband started acting wishy washy Jan 09 which was when we first moved in together after getting married. Stuck it out for a year and I just couldn't see myself going into another year with this limbo. One minute I am the best thing that has happened in his life and the next minute he hates being married. I am better than that :-)

So my plan today is no contact. I will update tomorrow on if he called and how many times.

Question, if he text me to ask about our son can I reply to those text or just ignore those as well?

[TrentC]

So my plan today is no contact. I will update tomorrow on if he called and how many times.

Question, if he text me to ask about our son can I reply to those text or just ignore those as well?

If he's calling just for idle chat, ignore him or end the conversation quickly. If it's important (like pickup/dropoff arrangements, etc.) then answer them.

[4luv]

Let me clarify,

I am now 7 hours away from my husband at my parent's house so there is no pickup/drop off. He usually text to ask what son is doing, etc.

[soleil]

Hey 4Luv,

That is great you are taking the next big step here. Kudos to you for that. I agree with everyone else who said DO NOT answer his calls for now. If he asks how S is doing just tell him, He's great, and don't go into massive details. He knows where you are and it seems that you've told him you're done, now he wants to come back like a little grasshopper. Ugh! People are so annoying! You need to hold your ground, chica! You can do it!

[4luv]

Thx Soleil. I am not sure what to do. I was not at all ready to leave and felt good for most of the day but now that the day is almost over and I am about to go to bed I feel uneasy. I have been praying that God guide my steps and lead me in the direction according to His will. Its just that I don't know if leaving is what God has intended as His will. The pastor on Sunday ended up talking about marriage and he said sometimes you have to love from a distance. He also went onto say that you can't make somebody love you so sometimes you have to move on. He said he wasn't advocating for divorce or separation but rather that God has to deal with your spouse sometimes and you have to practice tough love, especially when it comes to mental abuse. This was a tangent that he went on that tied into the sermon but he said that the spirit was speaking to him that some people in the church needed to hear this message so he kept going on about it. That is what made me finally take a stand. Now I am doubting because I want to make sure that God was speaking to me.

What if my husband was about to come around and I drop the rope from him and left? He told me that he got an IC and was going to make an appointment. What if now he sees no point in getting help because I left him? I read that the worst thing you could do to a narcissistic man was to leave because one of their biggest fears is abandonment. Before DR I had written a letter telling my husband that I would never leave him and that I was willing to stand with him through whatever. I even reiterated after DR that I would not abandon him because he does have abandonment issues.

I chose to leave recently because I can't save husband if I start to crumble. I was crumbling...my self esteem was getting low (or at an all time low), I felt alone, and I felt weak. I couldnt be there for him and I don't think that he will ever understand that. I know that he will harp on the fact that I left him when he needed me the most. For some reason (probably our past history) I know that me leaving is gonna come back and bite me because he will blame me for not keeping my promise to never leave him.

These are just some of my doubts/thoughts swirling through my mind that I needed to get out.

also, no contact at all from husband and I didn't contact him either. I guess there is nothing for either of us to say to the other.