Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=25yearsmlc]

You were married to this man a short time and In that short lived marriage, you felt uneasy and distrustful and turns out, for good reason. You are the aggrieved party; he's the perpetrator of the main events.

... asked me what it would take for me to really trust him again or know he is serious. ... I look at my list and say there is no way in heck exh is capeable or even would want to do those things.

So, it does look like I have my answer.

Yes...it does. I'll ponder your questions re:how to stay on message and on track with your life and not get derailed. If you put it in writing, and I have mixed feelings about the necessity of this b/c honestly, what's there to say? But if you were to write it out, it cannot MUST NOT exceed a paragraph. It just shuts them down and the wordier you are, the more detailed ===the more there will be something in there to object to or disagree with. So I would keep it so short and sweet... Perhaps something to the effect of

"X h, we are the lucky parents of a beautiful baby girl, and I'm sure we both have the same goal in raising her: i.e., her growing up knowing two people love her. But we are not married anymore. We're both moving on. So, let's work out a way for us to "co-parent" as well as we can, while also leading separate lives. This means setting boundaries that are respected and abided by, b/c otherwise, too many lines get crossed and that leads to misunderstanding, and anger. And that is counter productive to our goal."

Just a thought. See if it feels authentic to you. Whatever your message is, you will very very likely need to repeat it to him numerous times AND to yourself on a daily basis. Let it be your mantra when it comes to dealing with your h and ask yourself, "is this actions/event consistent with my goal?" If it's not, don't do it.
Good luck,
J-

ps
Setting boundaries is not an angry act, but breaking them can lead to anger. So don't let him bait you. You're NOT being mean...don't let him revise reality.

[Startingover2]

Excited today! Going to see my d20 for the day. Its a 3 hour drive so it makes it a long day but worth it. She has been wanting us to come see her for months now.

What is it about exh that makes women fall apart? He is decently looking, nice body, etc. but his personality sucks, hes addicted, broke and a serial cheater! I am including myself in this mix too. I saw an email from this one psycho woman that has been in and out of the picture since before me (03)! He never dated her, just used her when needed...Here are some parts:

"I owe you a huge apology...I haven't been myself lately. I know that and I hate it. I have been stubborn and mean. That is not who I am and I do think you know that. I want to go back and be the person who I really am...happy, caring, giving and loving. I am a good person. I do hope that someday you will think of me that way again. I have been fighting for your attention and love for so long. I think I have FINALLY realized that I'm not going to get what it is that I want from you. That is not your fault. You can't help what you feel in your heart. I'm not mad about this. Yeah, it hurts me, but that is my own problem that I have to deal with. I keep thinking that maybe this time it will be different, but it never is. Honestly, I am not mad and never will be. I have been accused of telling people about you being with me...and that is NOT true. I swear to you Exh, I said nothing (meaning to anyone else about thier hookups). What hurts the most is that it matters to you if people think you might spend time with me. What is it about me that makes you not want anyone to know about me?? I don't believe that it has anything to do with your kids. You do this every time, but yet, other girls come and go in the lives of your kids. Am I really that horrible? And if that is what you feel, that is OK. I can't change your feelings. (I do believe that ***is the gossip) Yes, I am a jealous person. You have seen that side of me for years. But it's all because you never chose me. I wanted to give you happiness and love, but you chose others. Again, it's what you want and you deserve to have what you want. I just need to accept that. It is all MY problem...I know that. Again, I am so sorry for being the way I have been toward you. It will not happen anymore. I promise! I do keep my promises! Be happy and may you find what it is that makes you happy. Everyone deserves that out of life. 2010 will be a better year ..and I will love you forever!!"

Ok, I just had to post that as its amazing! This woman called my home and left horrible messages when exh and I were engaged. She is the one exh cheated on OW with! Obviously there is something wrong with her anyway...I feel sorry for her. Always have. She is nearly 50 years old and has never been married!

I don't want to be one of those loony women that follow him!

[kassie]

((SO2))

Thanks! I am not doing so well physically today from being up most of last night. At my age it is painful all over and my brain usually doesn't work so well. I am just glad that I took the week off from work and can rest all day. Yesterday I did my yearly cleaning out of files and shredded them - that is when I found the checks I was referring to in last night's post along with other financial documents I was holding onto for the lawyer back then.

I think that is what started my thoughts last night after watching the Dr P show and hearing the same c**p from the A on the show.

Today I planned to buy some pictures for the house -I had completely redecorated after my first D but never completed the job. My H wanted us to buy a new place for retirement so I didn't continue to decorate. While we have been separated, I started to look at downsizing - and found some really nice places and good deals but when the time came to put things in writing I realized that I didn't want to move to a new place by myself and canned the idea. When our reunification did not occur this past fall I decided to finish the job - alto now money is the problem so I am considering a second job.

Then I will buy material to make a fuzzy warm throw blanket. My exsil made one for my daughter to take to college and it is so comfortable and easy to make.

The rest of the week I will clean out the car, catch up on reading and start a 1000pc puzzle I got for C. (I actually finished reading a novel I started this summer.)

So, what are you going to do to bring some peace to your life? Sometimes it is something we do and then something we don't do. When my H was drinking he called and left messages 20X a day sometimes on both phones. I just learned not to answer and then I erased them without listening. For the brief time we tried to communicate by email - I ended up doing the same. This is one area I told him we had work on in therapy - how to communicate without all the angst of misperceptions. I swear the brain of an AS takes a left turn where there is no road to take sometimes.

I will talk further but on the other site. How can I reach you there or would you prefer staying here.

[Startingover2]

Hi Kass. You sound like you have alot of projects lined up to keep you busy! That really does help. I have to get up at 5 a.m. to find an hour of peace to myself. Baby is sort of boycotting naps and only sleeps for about 45 minutes during the day. I was laughing at a friend of mine who was complaining yesterday because her husband was out of town for a week and she had their toddler all by herself and was going crazy..no time to shower, no adult conversation, no help. I said welcome to my world! I do it 24/7!

Had a fun visit with d20 yesterday. D18 went with me. Long drive for one day but worth it to see her. I always have tears when I leave her. She is happy and doing well so I can't complain.

Exh stopped by (uninvited) after we got home and brought baby a treat. Stupidly, I still get that happy to see him feeling. Not giddy teeny bopperish, but just happy to see him. He was complaining about his truck and the new tires he had to buy looked stupid (they did), but there was no other choice at this time with no funds to make it look better. Knowing him, he was not happy as image is everything and that truck is his baby. Oh well.

My older kids are leaving today for the weekend with their dad. Long weekend for me and baby. The weather looks like it may be rainy/cold so outdoor stuff is not going to happen.

[K4D]

How long will you be gone for today?

Kevin

[Startingover2]

How long will you be gone for today?

Kevin

HAHA! Not long today! Rainy, icky weather!

[Startingover2]

Happy New Year's Eve everyone! I hope and pray we all have a great 2010!

I was thinking about what I wanted to see different for me in this new year. Financially, I need to get on my own two feet. Need to prepare for my next d18 to leave the nest sometime this summer. Be more social. Grow in my faith. Just be happier with life and the circumstances.

I also want to keep working on my boundaries with exh. I really know now that his "intentions" of working on us are nothing more than lip service to come and go as he pleases. I was writing in my visit journal and noticed he hasn't made a scheduled visit time in almost a month, but has come odd times alot. So now we are on exh's timetable. He hated being told when he could see baby and this maybe gave him some control.

He was moaning about how he is going to make changes in 2010 as well. He said 2009 was a horrible year. I had to bite my tongue to not say he brought it all on. I am sure he is talking about not having a license for most of the year (because of me), broke (because of me), has supervised visits (because of me), and most likely a whole list. Lets see if that changes.

No plans tonight. Going to give my sleeping sweet angel baby a kiss at midnight!

[Startingover2]

Now I feel stupid. I haven't heard from MOW for a few days. I have been busy and havent thought about it much. Today I noticed she unfriended me on FB and re-friended exh. Guess she isn't believing what I told her and he got to her again...can't say I am shocked. He did it to me too. Why do I feel sad again? He is a major loser. Why was I happy when they weren't together and now they most likely are headed that way again..why do I feel like crap?

[kassie]

HSO2,
Happy new year's eve - I'll be around and alone tonight if you want any company for awhile. I will be kissing my teddy bear.

It seems like you need something to do besides reading FB pages as a start to a new year.

My H tried calling two days ago but left no messages. Today he emailed saying -New Progress - want to talk? Didn't know what to say. How is that showing me that anything has changed when I asked for no contact for a few months. Then I think, it hasn't been that long and the last words to me a week before c. are still ringin in my ears and heart. I know that he is capable of saying the worst things but I told him I had had enough of his ill behavior.

I guess my new year's gift is to treat myself better and not listen to anyone thinking differently of me. I don't know if you recall my mention of bestfriend for 20+years dumping me b/c of my H - well she called a month ago to have things go back to the usual - then I realized she did to me what my H does -walks away when she is uncomfortable - so as I think about the people in my life and how I have allowed them to treat me - I think I need to do this across the board. D-19 was like that too but since she has been away and sees that I am not taking H's c**p she has a lot more respect for me.

[K4D]

I think you need to set the schedule for you and your baby and he can learn to deal with it. You know what is in the baby's best interest.

You feel like crap because it is emotionally hard to watch, it is the holidays and you haven't completely detached yet.

Gotta work on detachment. Oddly, I feel very detached today. I am in planning mode now.

Kevin