Stats: M - 28 W - 25 M - 1.5 T - 3 Bomb & Separated - Nov. 30/09 ALL her belongings moved out - Dec. 29/09 Formalizing separation agreement - pretty much settled. Ongoing Marriage Counselling
I have been browsing these forums for weeks. Unfortunately, I find myself in a desperate situation. Four weeks ago my wife dropped the bomb on me. She said she was unhappy, and that she wanted a D. I did the usual begging, pleading, crying which is not what she expected at all. In fact this is a 180 for me. I am aggressive and confident by nature. She expected me to just tell her to get the hell out. After a number hours of discussion, she told me that she loved me, that she was committed to the marriage but that she still needed space to "heal". She agreed to marriage counselling and called to setup our first session that night. We had our first session the next morning. The C is a MSW and ordained minister. Very pro marriage.
About me, I have been a horrible husband. My wife has tried again and again to show me love in every way possible. I was selfish and had an issue with anger and deflecting work stress. I also hurt her in the worst way possible using her own love languages. (words and quality time). I have been working through my issues and am making progress. I have also been taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. (down 20 lbs in 4 weeks - exercise and diet.) I am committed to making the changes I need to make for myself. I blew it royally and intend to learn from this.
In the first MC session my wife told me that "her heart is open to a lot of people but not me." We then had individual sessions. After my IC session, the C told me that he wanted us to start couples sessions immediately. However, after my wife's sessions, he changed his tune and recommended that we continue to live separately saying "no promises can be made about the relationship". She obviously spent the entire session going over what an awful husband I was to her. I have since continued on with my IC and the C is very pleased by my turn around.
However, my W requested a couples session before Christmas to sort out "practicalities of the separation". This was the first contact in weeks and first face to face in 4 weeks. (Only other contact was a brief call. All other discussions have been routed through MC.) My W had an agenda to get the rest of her belongings and get a separation agreement signed. Her requests for the separation agreement have been very benevolent or guilt ridden. I feel the latter is more likely. She has read the five languages of love and tried to approach me while we were married. I dismissed her but recently read it. In our session, I went over what I learned about her and our relationship. She was extremely emotional and told me "she is relieved that 'I get it' but didn't know how I could treat her the way I did if I loved her." Honestly, I was just really immature and self centred. I had no idea what it meant to make a decision to love your wife each day. Also, I made a mistake early on and sent flowers, she also said "I couldn't buy her love, I need to rebuild trust and that takes time". The C told my W that my progress has be unprecedented and that he has a lot of hope for our M. She was happy to hear it. No contact continues after last MC session. She is getting an apartment.
The other part to the story is the secrecy that developed right before the bomb. Phone being locked, hanging around divorced friends (who all cheated before they left), and perhaps most disturbing 2 late night 50 min. + calls to a land line. I had a friend call the line and it was a guy's voicemail. Online access to cell phone records were removed a couple of weeks ago.
I have been working with a DB coach and she has given my some good tips. But right now, I am at a loss at what to do. If Sandi or Puppy Dog Tails are around, please advise. She thanked me for respecting her boundary requests and not pursuing. No texts, emails, or calls. Any help would be great.
