Too Close to Sitch (sorry.. long first post)

[undefeated]

OK, DiamondGirl, I am sorry it took me so long to post on your thread. I actually have read it twice in the last week. I want you to understand that I'm in the early stages of this process, so there may be others with better advice. I've also been the partner in an affair, so sometimes I have a bit of insight into a cheating spouse. I've also been reminded that I am quite young. Despite all these things, I like most others am here to help and support you as best I can.

Sorry for the long first post. I'm too close to this to think objectively and could use whatever help I can get.

This is an excellent observation on your part. Knowing you are too involved, worked up, or upset is key in dealing with your situation. Identifying the times when you should slow down and think instead of feel can be critical. I know it is the hardest thing in the world, but you must detach from the situation. If you are constantly an emotional wreck you can't make goals or progress. And now I'm going to read my own advice and maybe even listen to it.

I lived with my parents before marriage. Never on my own so no life skills learned at this point.

Before marriage- We both worked, no conflicts to overcome between us, rosy relationship.

First year of marriage - I became pregnant right away (unplanned); lost job soon after discovered I was pregnant; became financially dependent on him as I could not find another.

Developed low self esteem due to mixed feelings of baby, job loss, weight issues and felt as if I was a burden on WAH instead of a partner. Didn’t tell him my feelings as I didn’t want to burden him further since he was working doubly hard to make the bills.

That whole section could be a set of cue cards to my life. Feeling dependent and helpless is painful and debilitating.

Financial instability seems to have been a running theme for much of your early marriage. (Again, familiar.) It's not uncommon for newly married couples, but it does put a huge strain on relationships. And with the added difficulties of raising a son with special needs...well I admire you for making it.


The distance between you and your husband kept growing and growing, but no matter what he says, this is NOT all your fault!

Daughter is 6 months old and H walks out. First ILYBINILWY speech. He says he needs space. I do everything wrong and end up telling him if he doesn’t come back by morning marriage over. (totally co-dependent panic)

This is 100% sticking to the script of a WAS. And your reaction was not unexpected. There's no sense beating yourself up about it.

Your H's demands for space, refusal to MC, online time, and eventual Ea and then PA are not your fault. These are standard behaviors as well. You tried to respond in ways that didn't work, but remember that these actions were his choice.

Get a call from OW claiming she wanted to know for sure if H is married. Says he lied to her, sends me copies of what he sent her proving single, says been going on for months.

Confront H – He denies everything, says she’s just spurned woman – I tell him I need him gone overnight so I can think. Want desperately to believe him so I do and let him back with condition of no Internet and MC.

H comes back and after a few weeks of good feelings, claims of love and that he’d never leave and continuous denials, says if I really loved him I would not put conditions on him. I buy the guilt trip finally and let him back on Net. No MC appointments made.

He called your bluff. And guilt trips are not an acceptable way of compelling cooperation. But he's not the first to do it. Now you have to turn around and not let him force you to comply with his wishes through guilt. And I'm struggling too with the inability to make what I say stick. But if we set down boundaries, we have to make them stick.

2 weeks in, the fog clears and I see our marriage as above and communicate my side to him through various talks. H shows understanding but says too late. ILYBINILWY speech again. Seems shocked at my version. Mad that I never told him how I felt all these years. Upset that of all people, I pushed HIM away.

We all make mistakes. Yours are no bigger and no worse than anyone else's. A marriage is two people. Never let him convince you that the place you have come to has been entirely your fault.

What he’s said to me before I found out about PA:

- Can’t turn love feelings back on
- Too little, too late
- Feels worthless and like a failure to family
- Needs time to get self-esteem back for me to “hold the fort” for the family (kissed me on the forehead afterwards)
- Can’t go back to living the way we were again (no friends, no joy, no life)
- I’d be better off without him

After I found out:

- Says I pushed him to the PA by shutting down
- Said if I had picked up on his deliberate “clues” to the PA the first time he went away he would have broken it off with her
- Can’t trust me to not shut down/hurt him again
- Says changes I’ve made are a last ditch effort to keep him
- Was happy with our family life, and being a husband but our R was horrible
- Says OW loves him even though he lied to her about being married at first (obviously unconditional love as opposed to our 20 yr R!)
- Says he is in love with her but at another point/day says he isn’t sure. When I question that, he says he just doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so he says he isn't
- When I said I would fight for our R and would not agree to D, he said now you know how it feels to be the only one fighting
- Responded to my saying OW must be the “love of his life” by saying “I didn’t say that”
- Said that throughout all of the EAs and this PA he’s never said “I love you” to anyone (last week)
- Out of the blue in a conversation about money he said “I want you to know I’m not enjoying this. I’m not out partying and seeing women all over the place.” (yesterday)
- Said he’s noticed changes but can’t trust they are permanent
- Said all he has in him is friends right now
- Told me to go ahead with my life and if he should fit in somewhere down the years then so be it


What he’s told family:

- He feels he’s failed his wife, his family, and his marriage and can’t undo it so he is moving forward
- He doesn’t think I would ever forgive him, he’s done too much damage
- It would never be the same between us again.
- I would never be able to trust him again.
- If he ever comes back he wants to know that I want him not need him to be there
- He thinks I hate him

This all hurts...a lot. Minus the parts about family (my H hasn't told them) it sounds like my WAH's lines verbatim. This does not make it easier, does it? To know that others have said the exact same thing? But they have, and many still recover.

What I’ve done so far:

- IC for self esteem, the emotional shut down, coping with stressors
- Doing 180 – slipped a couple of times but trying to hang in there; trying not to be needy or show it
- GAL, more care with appearance, taking advantage of “separation diet” and trying to lose more weight

What he’s done in last few weeks (guilt?):

- Fixed the dishwasher
- Shoveled snow in driveway (big driveway) for me after first heavy snowfall
- Arranged for turkey for me and kids for Xmas
- Agreed to all my financial needs by living off SIL

What I think might be happening:

- H has huge self esteem issues and possible MLC
- Childhood abuse = avoidance of direct confrontation with him and non-concientious behavior (not just leaving instead of EAs, taking the easy way in personal life)
- He didn’t realize my side of the marriage problems, and convinced himself I felt the same way as he did to have the EA (Didn’t ask me how I felt either)
- Blamed me to convince himself to go through with PA
- Felt so guilty he couldn’t stand to see me daily and thought it best if he just leave
- Has done so much convincing it was over to OW that even if he doesn’t feel in love with her he has to keep relationship with her going to save face and not hurt her too (easy way out)plus she is giving him support and good feelings (bleck)

I am struggling with:

- whether his words are signs he's wavering or just guilt?
- how to get the OW out of my head (ideas of her getting pregnant on purpose to trap him, her manipulating him as he is vulnerable right now, etc. = wasted energy)
- how to keep the detachment from him consistent in my head so I can get on with GAL and working on myself (I keep revisiting the sitch in my head)

Keep Db'ing and keep posting. We're listening. Remember - believe nothing of what he says and half (maybe) of what he does.

I too, am having trouble not letting my mind chase itself in circles, replaying every problem, every fear, every moment of every day. We just have to keep trying. Keep talking on here. I won't judge you for how you feel. We're all in similar boats. Let's keep them lashed together for stability.

Oh, and I love the ostrich analogy too!

Tell me how I can help.