how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

The only consequence I can think of is his being angry (er) at me, because it would be a convoluted path leading directly to mr were any of that side to say anything . My gut tells me to leave it alone. My anger says: make sure everyone at that party knows what a lying, cheating, skunk he really is!

My sadness says that I miss being part of that family and I don't want to be swept under the rug like an old embarrassment.

I also think the A is here to stay; he is making a huge effort to intrduce her to the whole fam.

So, as I said, I am taking hope and trying hard to kill it.

Thanks so much for you response.

[Ready2Change]

I believe you should follow you gut. Have you read "the four agreements" and the other two books in the set? They got my head on straight. I have read those three books so many times, and each time, I come away clearer.


How about we change the subject? What GAL and 180's are you doing FOR YOU!

[Serenity13]

(((avermont)))

Just thought I would let you know - Mine also walked away and basically didn't look back...

I exposed as much as I could to whoever would listen and while it may not have helped, it didn't hurt either...

That way I got to tell the truth - Not the truth as he "sees" it. (ie: rewriting history)

Would I do it again? Absolutely - I was willing to accept the anger from my H because I was not willing to have him spew his venom about me.

[avermont]

I haven't heard of those books. I can add them to my library.

What am I doing for GAL? It's been nothing but GAL from day one--connecting with friends; trying to learn to ski; volunteering with local theatre, migrant workers, and adaptive snowboarding...went on a couple of dates. My 180's are all about intimacy and commitment, so as you have heard me say, those are not the easiest to work in just ordinary life. My friends are certainly learning a lot more about me as I learn to open up and share the pain. So that is a change. Working on my anxiety issues. Those are the only 180's I have been able to see so far. Suggestions welcome!

[avermont]

Maybe I will go ahead and make sure all of the family knows the real story. I am not afraid of X spewing...I think he is just spinning a happy fairly tale about how we equitably and peacefully worked it out...just in time for OW to appear. And yes, it does hurt to thingk that people I have known, gone to weddings, funerals, new babies, etc, for 23 years, would be sold a line of BS and say...oh, well, as long as everyone is happy...

It won't do a thing to get him back, but I working on not being invested in that anymore.

[chatterbug]

aver.... F it..... Carry forward. If your really worried. Talk to MIL and say that you would like some support on this... Else Ignore and move forward.

Exposure at this time lenght does not have the impact as a few months ago.

Your in the position of wait and see.



So stop waiting.

And start living again. You are in complete control this winter.

You do not know it. But you have hinted at it. Plus. He should want you..... right. Your the catch. Remember that. And keep up on your reading.

Worst case.

You start a new relationship and experience what you were afraid of.

Go enjoy your trip.

Talk to you next year.

Cutter.

[kara]

Aver

Saw this on a bumper sticker yesterday:


Laugh or cry
Sink or swim
Live or die

You CHOOSE.

It is a MENTAL battle. You can ignore what he does or obssess about it. I would try to acknowledge the pain and let it go. Do not let your thoughts and "I wonders" fester in your mind and take up prime real estate there. You have to get mentally tough while not allowing your heart to grow bitter.

Don't get caught up in the daily drama of what he is doing. Don't let it play in your head like a 24 hour news loop. Get caught up in Aver.

[avermont]

Hi Serenity

My last posting was whether I should let X's other side of the family know the "real story" as he is heading there with OW for NYE.

I think I found a good compromise.

I found one of the cousins on FB, and sent her basically the same note I sent the MIL and FIL: thank you for making me part of the family all these years.

I added: part of the pain of losing X so "unexpectedly" is losing family, too.

So the main gist of the note was about saying "Thanks".

I feel pretty good about it. I did honestly want to check in with that side of the family.

Now the next challenge: 1st NYE to get through.

[chatterbug]

Good for you Aver.

Tonight I will raise a glass for ya. Since were at the same timezone.
Before 12:05AM Cutter will thank you for your help in the year of suck 2009.

[avermont]

Thanks, CB.

Yeah, I will be glad to see this year go away.

I'm with sister and 3 little kids tonight, so at least that is a very different place to be.

Oops--the past few days anxiety and not sleeping (which is new) is catching up and I'm starting to sob.

Wow--where are these tears coming from? I'm suddenly into a major cry...