Well MC was interesting - I guess "normal" from what I read on these boards, but I'm depressed.
H goes into what "he should have done differently" in our R since early on. Apparently "it was clear" to him that "I" had particular issues he "should have never put up with" from the beginning. H claims he was going with convention, not his true feelings, when agreeing to move in with me, and I assume I will hear more along the same lines as to marrying me, having a child, etc.
The depressing part is all of his "regrets" at his "own choices" were in not drawing a stronger line with ME or keeping more distance FROM ME. No mention of his abusive tendencies. No openess to what I have suffered. I made the point that it went two ways and that there were things that "I should have drawn a line with him" about but I was trying to listen and validate. I did own up to my tendency to engage in fights with him and that I also should have drawn the line with myself. But still no mention of his part in those fights.
I did admit the things I have done wrong - and that I am working now to change them. MC says H has to "experience" the changes, not just hear promises, before he believes them.
So that goes with DB - keep making my changes.
But I still feel totally blamed for any and all problems in our relationship. I only heard H taking responsibility for not drawing a line with me sooner.
Guess that is the WAS script? Guess that is why piecing is so hard?
Says he still doesn't know if/how he should set boundaries in this R and look at his own shortcomings (gee wouldn't that be nice) or if he should walk away and say it just isn't right for him.
He also admitted that since H left, his attitude has been that he should sacrifice nothing at all for the R to work, if it will at all. H did admit that this "may" be an extreme way of dealing with the problems in our R. MC agreed that H making no sacrifices, and me (admittedly) being willing to sacrifice anything to save M are two extremes that aren't healthy. Hope H thinks about that.
The only crack in the wall I could detect was that he was pondering the possibility that his position is extreme. What I put together is that he felt he didn't listen to himself as to what was working for him, and instead did what he "thought was right". He didn't always express that, and I sometimes didn't hear him when he did. So his attitude since leaving has been an extreme polarization to the other side - instead of ignoring his feelings and needs, he has focussed solely on his own feelings and needs.
My pain is in that nowhere in there did i hear my needs or feelings. I did not bring that up but it's what I'm suffering with tonight.
Very sad after such a wonderful, close holiday break.
Could be a sort of MIL? He's only 35, but a very serious person and overacheiver since his youth. Could be that he never got in touch with his true self, while trying to win approval in being very successful and perfect. So his demanding, bullying, aggresive stance of late could be his immature way of asserting his "true self" - at least in his eyes.
None of this helps me feel loved, appreciated, heard, empathized with. But I guess this is where we start.
