In my wildest dreams, I could not have predicted what has transpired over the last few weeks. I feel like I am in a much better place now and more in control. I am not 100% sure that everything will work out but for now I have taken one step closer to working on my M.
And at times, I wonder if I am making the right decision. I still cry daily – somedays many times. Out of the blue I have a thought that reduces me to tears. I have doubts.
But so far... MC - H has agreed to MC (to start in january)
Transparency - I have passwords to email, fb, access to phone (unfortunately no call/bill details as it is provided by his work). When H returns to work in jan, he has to let me know his schedule, where he is working and that he needs to call me before he leaves at the end of the day.
No contact with OW - I asked how he will respond if OW contacts him or if they run into each other at work. As I said before I told him I wanted him to say “it is inappropriate for us to communicate. I am committed to my family, marriage and wife.” and I want to know if she does contact or if he sees her at work. I just put that out there eventhough I know there is a good chance he won't tell me.
STD/HIV tests - I said I don't know what you did for b/c or protection and I don't want to know, but you need to get tested and I need a letter or call from doc with results before we resume ML. (All my test results came back negative.)
I wonder if it is really over between H and OW. How do you know for sure? He says its over. I told H that I can understand he might still think of her and have some feelings for her and I am worried if they see each other again. He said he misses the fact he lost someone he can talk to but that is it.
H said he is concerned that nothing will change and that we will fall back into our old patterns. I responded that is where I felt MC was important so we can gain new tools/skills to use so we don't fall back into our old patterns.
I am really surprised at my need for physical contact after what has happened. I thought I would be repulsed by H's touch after knowing he was with OW. Today, I explained to H that I needed physical contact between us. “I need to be reassured you want to be with me and are attracted to me. I might cry as it is something that I have wanted, missed for a long time and that my crying is not a bad thing. I wanted to tell you this as you probably don't know what I am thinking.” (and I was right as H said he has held back as he did not know how I would react or that I even wanted it and he initiated a nice kiss this afternoon). “I also need verbal assurance that you want to be with me – let me know if you had a nice time watching a dvd with me, or going to the park as a family.” (H said he has enjoyed spending all this time over the holidays with me and the girls).
The holidays have been a strange time but better than I could have ever expected a couple of weeks ago.
