H did go with us to cut down the tree and came over afterwards to decorate. He sat on a chair in the living room----something he NEVER does any more. I did not discuss how or what we were doing gift wise for the kids for Christmas. (I have been doing VERY well with no contact unless necessary.) I assumed we were on our own. I have income this year, I didn't feel like I needed to clear expeditures with him. S10 (now 11) had his birthday 9 days before Christmas. I told H I was getting S a new lizard for his birthday. I told him that I may need help picking it up from FedEx (depending on the shipping schedule). He told me that the lizard was a great idea, that he could help, but that he was thinking about buying S an electronic drum set----told me that he didn't want me to think he was trying to "out do" me on the gift. I had no idea how to respond. I really could care less---and am never going to get pulled in to some kind of competition involving our kids. I asked if it was for birthday or Christmas-----don't know why I asked, but just again kind of wanted to know what we were dealing with $$ wise--I like to keep things as equal as possible. He said it would probably be for Christmas.
I assumed he would come to Christmas Eve dinner (we open gifts from each other). I had invited his mother, as always. MIL called 12/21 and told me that impending blizzard would keep her from coming. When H came to get kids that night I told him that his mother had called and said she would not be coming. He said he planned to go get her, but didn't know when. I didn't hear from him all day Tuesday, or all day Wednesday. I sent TM Wednesday night asking if he would be coming to dinner Thursday (Christmas Eve). He said yes, but wouldn't be going to get his mother before Friday (???). We had 10+ inches of snow starting Thursday, ending Friday morning. He did come to dinner. He sat at dinner table for dinner, only knealt (or stood) in living room while we opened gifts. He excused himself as soon as we had opened gifts---because weather was bad. The shocker: He got me a $250 gift certificate for a local spa. Signed it from the kids and him. I only helped the kids get him a hat and a pullover. I knew the kids had bought me a couple small items---amd had posed for a picture for my gift. I was not expcecting anything more---certainly not anything from him. I asked D16 if she was in on it, and she said no. I know it was a last minute on-line purchase, but I was still shocked.
I know I'm rambling............anyway. When H came to dinner I told him that I didn't get the kids anything to open that night, that I had got them each a couple small things from "Santa" for Christmas morning(I know they are all too old to "believe", but it's more for me than them)----that way he would know that the gifts he brought for them would be center stage. He bought the drum set for S11-----way too expensive and way too much for an 11 year old, but I know he wants S to follow in his "Rock Star" footsteps. He got D16 a GPS for her car---he says so she can find the softball fields this summer (Which I have no intention of letting her go find on her own----another story). She told me that he was going to be getting her a new cell phone----so this was a surprise. He gave D12 money. He put from "Mom and Dad" on all the gifts. Now, since I didn't hear from him Tuesday or Wednesday, or really nothing on Thursday, I assumed he was out doing his normal last minute shopping. He didn't wrap the drum set----too big. He used CONSTRUCTION paper and covered the FRONT of the GPS that he got D16 (we shared a laugh about this later). He put the cash for D12 in an envelope and said it was to buy what she wanted at Claires and to spend when her friend was in town from MN over break. She had also told me that she asked him for a new cell phone. SO......I know he wasn't out shopping or wrapping......or going to get his mother (BUT I really don't care). The kids exchanged their gifts to each other. It was a normal "weird" evening together----not quite like the old days, be we were all together. I felt horrible that all he managed for D12 was cash----of the three, she's the easiest to buy for, and thinks very little about having money to spend. He shocked me again and showed interest in coming in the morning for "Santa". He came early Friday morning. I was able to keep the kids from opening until he came. He stood. He watched them open, and then took S11 to other room to put drums together. He went out and shoveled the drive for awhile and then said he was leaving. He came back in about 20 minutes later saying he decided to try to see if I could get my van out of the drive, but ended up getting it stuck in the middle of the highway. We all went out and shoveled and pushed and got it back in the driveway, only to get it stuck again----but in front of the garage. He then left. It was his weekend with the kids. I was really dreading seeing them go, but had accepted the fact that he would come back to get them. At about 5:00 he sent text saying he didn't want to brave the roads again(which was VERY odd, because he loves to drive in this weather), and was thinking about going to get his mom in the morning and didn't want the kids to have to make the trip. So, I gladly kept the kids. I went out Saturday morning and shoveled (for about 4 hours)----we had more snow Friday night (still don't know how much we ended up with all together.......got my van unstuck and later got a TM from H saying his car was overheating, and was not going to make it to get his mom. Said he was going to head back "home", but had to drive slowly. He told me he was about 80 miles away when he decided to turn around. FOUR hours later, he sent text saying he was 20 minutes from home(????). OK, now none of this makes sense to me, but what else can I say, but ok????? He finally comes out to get kids around 6. The kids were grumbling about what he would feed them for dinner, so I offered to cook for them when he got there. He says "it's ok, I already have something laid out." I later get text from D16 saying they were at the grocery store for 2nd time---first time H didn't have his wallet. They were there to get food to cook for dinner.......D16 ended up cooking for them......WHAT kind of message does this all send to these kids???
He kept them Saturday night and brought them back to me for my normal Sunday---I half expected him to ask if he could keep them, since I had them Friday, but he didn't, and I was not going to offer. I had today off, so we braved the roads and went out to do a little shopping. He gets them Monday and Tuesday nights, so their gone again. It was a very crazy, mixed up, messed up Christmas, but it's over.
I know I've gone on about his weird behavior, but it really doesn't bother me like it used to. I am getting closer to accepting it all. I'm done trying to understand it. I know there's nothing I can do, and I've done really well lately at not saying anything. I suspect he's drinking more than normal to get him through the holidays----but no behavior to suggest that he shouldn't be driving when he picks the kids up.
As I was trudging through the snow for the third time last night----dragging the bags of trash to the road (our driveway is about .3 mile long) I thought to myself that this is my life now. I can do it all. I have to do it all. I'm on my own. It's depressing, but what was different for me was that I didn't break down. I didn't start crying and thinking "why am I here," or "how did this happen."
I am still puzzled by the gift certificate----but don't think it "means" anything. I'm glad to have it though---after all that shovelling, my back (and whole body) is sore.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It does suck to realize that there is no one else(right now) tohelp shoulder the burden of keeping the house and kids and car and everything going...No break really. I can definitely relate.
Sounds like you did great through a crazy Christmas. Sounds like your head is in the right place to weather this storm! Good for you. Enjoy the heck out of your spa treatment! :-)
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Oh - I will enjoy it! My head is in the right place now. Can't say it won't drift again, but that happens way more infrequently than it did in the beginning. H and I celebrated our first New Years together 29 years ago. When I look at him now, and think about how he treats me now-----he truly is a completely different person. He's a completely different person than he was 5 years ago. I don't like the person he is now. I would never want to be with THIS man. I can't stop hoping that HE will return, but I know that I can't count on that----and I know I deserve better. With all the weird behavior over Christmas his eyes have turned to that REALLY dead look. They vary from almost normal, to dead to now REALLY dead-----does that make sense to anyone??????
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Yes, the dead eyes make sense. Your h is very depressed. The eyes are the window to the soul. His soul is dead right now. Everything that he has done this Christmas leads me to believe that he's having a very difficult time getting it together. Depression has the man by the tail, so to speak. Whether it's the very deep, dark depression, time will tell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Two weeks ago H sent me a text, obviously mad because he couldn't get ahold of D16 to find out when she was coming (and bringing S11 and D12) to his house. I answered and told him I was sorry, that she was with friends and thought he knew. He answered back something about it being "his fault" that he had waited for D16 to answer him. I replied with something about he can always call the house or text me....he says "I did" meaning he texted me....I answer: You texted me before 5:59?----he answers: No, that's why it's my fault. Now, he never expects them before 6. To my knowledge they have only gone to him before 6 once, and that was because I took them to him. So on this day, he was pissed because???? But mostly pissed because he couldn't get D16 to answer his text and he concluded: "I'll just always come get them myself and let D do her own thing." I'm thinking---yes. She should be able to do her own thing. It is not her job to shuttle HIS kids back and forth. She does have a life.
I bring this up today, because I reminded H this week that S11's rescheduled birthday party was this Saturday (my weekend). He answered: can everyone come? We had to cancel the first one, because 3 of the 4 boys had plans. I answered yes, that we all (including him---but didn't point that out) talked about it at his BB game, and I thought he knew. He answered: "my fault I didn't know." I answered that I didn't think we needed to assign "fault" to anyone, it's just the way it is----this was the only day we could do the party, we talked about it and that was it.
I'm wondering if he's going through another round of beating himself up over what he's done. Another round of guilt............Yesterday I sent him a text to tell him my sister's ex was having emergency bypass surgery. I sent a text to D16, but didn't know she would relay the message. He answered: thanks, D16 let me know. I answered: Good, didn't know she told you. He later answered: It's ok. Didn't want you to think that you shouldn't let me know about it. Whatever. I don't know why I did, but I thought he would want to know. He later asked for an update. I sent 2. No reply on either.
S11 asked if H would be joining us for New Years Eve. We go out to dinner with friends and later board games at friends house. I said, I don't think so. NOW, I wonder.....should I extend the invitation. I don't really want to. I know he would just be uncomfortable if he went----and me too.....I just wonder if I should be making the effort to include him.................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I reluctantly shipped H a text and told him he was welcome to join us for dinner last night. He declined----plans with his band buddies----two long time single/divorced men. I'm more and more convinced that he enjoys the life he's made for himself way too much to return to a life of family obligations. He enjoys the kids when it's "his time," but he has his new group of single men that he spends time with----and I don't know, they may be all similarly situated. I also still question if he's with OW. I somehow need to find a way to really let him go. He's already gone, really. I know that. I still miss what we had for SO long, and miss what we were supposed to have-----forever.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So......H came to hotel where S11 was having his birthday party. The plan was for us to have the party and then I would take the girls home, he would stay with the boys for the night. He invited D12's softball coach to meet him there---since he lives close(??). He watched S open presents and then excused himself to have a "beer" with coach, since he was there...................he finally shows up 2 hours later, after I texted him to tell him that I needed to leave (snowing again). I'm sure he had had enough alcohol to get him through the evening, AND he didn't have to spend 5 minutes in my presence. I really don't like who he has become.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
The ring came off today. I've lost the battle. H sent yet another email last night saying it was time I got a lawyer and had papers drawn up. He doesn't think he needs one (he's a lawyer----personal injury), as long as we agree he thinks he can read through them and be ok with whatever. Said he wanted to "avoid the unneccessary drama" that would come with talking about it, so opted to send another email, and signed it with his initials. I replied and called him a coward. I will never understand.
Last edited by ThisCan'tBTheEnd; 01/22/1007:10 PM.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
