Once upon a time I myself wanted to be a soldier. I have so many strikes that I am probably NEVER going to qualify.
See, this is what happens when insomnia sets in and I get "brilliant" ideas at 3-4 am. I did really consider becoming a soldier before graduating high school. But I got married instead. And I have three babies! I also am about 100 pounds overweight right now. And dual military is very hard. Not impossible, but never easy.
My brother, younger than me by two years, is Air Force. He got married straight out of high school (guess I was a bad example) to a girl headed for the AF too. He went to California, she went to Japan. That marriage lasted six months. Then he got engaged to a girl in Mississippi who decided to call it off when he got stationed in South Dakota. There he married another AF girl. Not really sure how/why that marriage ended, but it only lasted about two months. He's in Iraq right now, so if you are people who pray, lend him a few minutes of your thoughts. It's not my faith, but it couldn't hurt. But his current fiance just got re-stationed from South Dakota to Florida.
His track record is one of many reasons I'd like to not end my marriage in divorce. How sad is it for him to be 22 and twice divorced? Maybe I'll send him DB an DR as overseas reading material. Not sure he'd appreciate it though.
Originally Posted By: undefeated
IDK, it just feels like if I'm looking into options I'm doing something at least.
While this is true, 4 am is really not the time to be brainstorming career choices, eh? Good grief - I e-mailed a recruiter. My record will probably turn him off. If not though, I'm never going to stop hearing from them. I only stopped hearing from the Navy after high school when I told them I was pregnant!
Originally Posted By: undefeated
But I just...wanted to look at options. And I guess it's better to know whether this is one or not, right?
I guess this makes sense. Now somebody take away my laptop when I'm sleepy!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
When I finish my degree I plan to join the Army. They will pay for my medical school, its actually an excellent deal. I thought that you just needed to not be on probabtion? I dont know though, I havent paid that much attention to that part of it.
I have lost about 48 lbs since everything started- 78 if you include what I have lost and gained back and then lost again! lol. I talked to the AF and they said that because I took anti depressants I wasnt a candidate. Then a few weeks later he called me back and was all gung-ho. I didnt mention that I had been on the ADs that time. The AF cant give me what I want, so it doesnt really matter anyway.
I think that its good to explore options. If they say no, they say no. But at least you will know.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Why does 8 days feel like four months? I hate having NC with my H. I miss talking to him, asking about his day, saying ILY.
Maybe the recruiter will get back to me tomorrow. Tuesday is the appt. for S4 with my therapist. Please wish me luck. I am having a lot of trouble coping right now. Then my next appt. is on Thursday.
I feel like I need forward momentum, but I don't know what to do right now. I feel...stuck. And it doesn't help that this song called "Arizona" by Jaimie O'Neill keeps running through my head. It talks about a guy promising to go to AZ and send for his girl but she keeps waiting until she finally realizes there is no AZ, not for her.
Honestly, I need to fall apart. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. But I don't have the luxury of a nervous breakdown because everyone is counting on me. My kids need me, and if I can't function then my parents get stuck with them until (if?) my H comes to get them. They are too hard on the kids, and what if I caused my mom a serious health issue too? She's my genetic source of "I have the worry about absolutely everyone and everything" btw.
My one shining moment today: I allowed the dishwasher to run without reorganizing the whole thing first. This may seem like a stupid thing to be excited about, but for me it's actually pretty impressive. I've begun to realize I'm a control freak (more on that later); the dishwasher is one of the biggest pieces of evidence. I practically have OCD when it comes to loading the stupid thing. I have to arrange and rearrange it until I have fit every last thing in there exactly "the right" way. Today I forced myself to stop. Out loud I said, "You have to let it go," several times. And I forced myself to just fill in the empty spaces and run it. And what do you know, everything got clean, despite the fact that I didn't have everything "just so."
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
The recruiter did respond, and the Army is not currently making waivers for anyone convicted of a felony. But I am going to speak to the local office anyway and wait to see if the policy changes - they frequently do. Especially when they can't meet quotas.
On another note, I am considering a couple new moves but would like some input. First of all the following is a message I am thinking about sending to my in-laws:
I believe I owe you an apology. While I had some valid points and complaints, my previous e-mail was over-the-top. I do apologize for my rudeness. I have forgotten what I’ve told to whom at this point, so let me update you if I haven’t already. In August I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder – something that probably should have been spotted and addressed years ago - and that is why I have been on mood stabilizers. They are helping a lot. But I am now learning to cope with all of the effects it has had on my life.
I am also undergoing some personality upgrades as a result of a clearer mind. One of the main ones is learning to actually speak up. I have a very well-developed sense of socially acceptable behavior and the importance of not making waves in life. But I took it to unhealthy levels. I have allowed myself to become a doormat, and a miserable one at that. But expressing myself is apparently a learned skill, and I am not particularly good at it yet. I’ve gone from saying nothing to speaking harshly and rudely. Again, I am sorry for what translates to an e-mailed temper tantrum. It was not well done of me. Here is what I should have said:
I wish you had asked me about the electronic toy beforehand and given me some time to consider the exception to the rule. The same goes for sweets; I really prefer they not have them except in very small quantities. S4 has become something of a discipline problem and I am looking for both the source of his behavior as well as some sort of solution. Please don’t take them to the doctor or given them any medicine or herbal remedies. I don’t like anyone but me medicating them. I am very uncomfortable with your religion and don’t care to have the boys exposed to it, though of course when they spend time with you I expect that they will spend time with your friends too. Social interaction is healthy, but I really do not want them at the Kingdom Hall please.
I hope you will continue to call us and mail the boys – they really do love it.
Again, I’m sorry that my learning curve with changing my personality has been unpleasant.
So that's the message I'm considering sending. But here's the thing - I always apologize. I apologize for everything, including many things that are not my fault, or in situations in which I have done nothing wrong or had the right to be mad. I am simply the sort of person who doesn't like tension, so I do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I don't like the message for this reason.
I'm also considering exposing the A to my family and his. I feel like I'm losing my mind keeping this secret. I don't want to make it harder for H when he comes back to our M. But my dad always asks "Has H called you today?" or "So how's H?" I don't want to be asked. And maybe my parents can help me, so long as they understand that I want reconciliation not retaliation. If I do expose the A the message for my in-laws will also include this paragraph:
Also, you are not wrong that there are problems with H and me. I wanted before to shut you out to protect him from backlash. He wants a divorce that I am not willing to give him. There is another woman involved, but I’d rather not discuss it any further at all. I tell you this not to make your relationship with H any harder, but rather because I cannot bear to keep everything to myself anymore. As I say, I do not want to talk about it or explain anymore until it becomes absolutely necessary. I have every hope of reconciling our differences, and we are still moving to Arizona as planned.
What do you think? Am I simply placating and reversing myself?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Well, I think that you need to ask yourself why you want to apologize to them. Do you think that you were wrong and you want to make it right, or do you want to apologize so that they wont be mad at you anymore?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I don't want them mad at me. That's my real reason. I do think I was rude, but that isn't why I'd be apologizing. But that's me. Like I said, right or wrong I'm always the one willing to apologize to make things better.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I agree that you should apologize. And I think the letter still needs work. The bi-polar explanation is good. I still don't like the don't do this and don't do that stuff. Especially, the don't give them any religion. Exposure to the conventional religions is part of socialization. Your kids will need to fit in to society at large, which means they should know what religion is, a smattering here and there is very educational. They will form their own opinions as to what they believe when they are old enough. For example, I am Jewish and raised my children Jewish, but I encouraged them to go to Church with their friends when they were invited. They need to be cognizant of the larger world around them. And I even sent my son to a Catholic boarding school for a year when we felt he needed the kind of discipline they offered. Likewise, my children's friends sat through services at my daughter's bat mitzvah. Because understanding of those different from ourselves is an important skill in life. It leads to tolerance. And if you are practicing a religion of 1, you will need tolerance from others more than they need tolerance from you.
and on the topic of the relationship with your H. I would say something to the effect of "things are strained between us right now, and I am feeling rejected, which is a source of unhappiness and stress. I am afraid that I lashed out at you in my frustration." accusing him of adultery will only lead to him outing your past adultery and bringing your argument into his parents' living room.
If you really are serious about learning to stand up for yourself then I believe that you need to learn that true character is shown by always confronting or apologizing face to face or at least by phone. Doing it by email is taking the easy way out. If you would have done this face to face in the beginning, then you would be less likely to be in this situation...
I encourage you to get a hold of your emotions. You seem to be all over the place emotionally and run your life too much by your feelings. Learn to manage your life by more logic and reason and less by your feelings. You seem like an intelligent woman. Use your intelligence to become more stable with your up and down emotions. Just because your feelings change, doesn't mean you have to give in each time you feel differently about something.
Today I finally got S4 in to see the counselor, and it was quite a relief. She doesn’t want to medicate him, which was my biggest fear. I disliked the idea of putting him on meds just because I don’t know how to handle his behavior. She believes the strange behaviors stem from anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. Not exactly surprising, but still good to have a professional opinion.
This makes me even more adamant about laying down clear rules for my in-laws, the “do’s and don’ts” as you put it, Lotus. The counselor says he needs consistency, and agrees that if the in-laws change the rules when they are around it is confusing and exacerbates the situation. And I intend to tell them in just that way too.
As for the religion, I think we may need to let this one rest. I have a very different opinion on the benefits and dangers of exposure to religions. It is what it is. I am trying to rework the way that sentence is written, though. As the kids have mercifully limited direct contact with the in-laws, this may just not be worth going to battle over. And they will see even less of us when we finally get moved to AZ.
Originally Posted By: Lotus
And if you are practicing a religion of 1, you will need tolerance from others more than they need tolerance from you.
I don’t understand this.
Originally Posted By: Lotus
and on the topic of the relationship with your H. I would say something to the effect of "things are strained between us right now, and I am feeling rejected, which is a source of unhappiness and stress. I am afraid that I lashed out at you in my frustration." accusing him of adultery will only lead to him outing your past adultery and bringing your argument into his parents' living room.
About this I laughed…bitterly, but I did laugh. One of the first things my H did after I admitted my A was to tell his parents, my parents, and a few key members of each of our families he could count on to gossip about it to everyone they knew. Whether this was the best way to spread the word or not is irrelevant. My MIL called me nonstop to berate me for weeks and only stopped after my dad told her that my H was also sleeping around during this time. I still am undecided what if anything to tell them, but believe me, I have no fear of suddenly being exposed for past wrongdoing. Everything has been aired quite thoroughly on my part. My skeletons are public knowledge.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
I encourage you to get a hold of your emotions. You seem to be all over the place emotionally and run your life too much by your feelings. Learn to manage your life by more logic and reason and less by your feelings. You seem like an intelligent woman. Use your intelligence to become more stable with your up and down emotions. Just because your feelings change, doesn't mean you have to give in each time you feel differently about something.
You’re right, of course. I’m terribly emotional. I have a mental disorder I’m learning to cope with as well as the guilt and grief it has brought to me, a son who is acting out in response to his own emotional turmoil, a H who is engaged in an A and says he wants a divorce, and uncertainty about nearly every aspect of my life. That’s why I come here to lose my grip – so that I have any hope of keeping it together in the real world. As I have not confided in my parents I can’t tell them when I’m coming apart at the seams, and I have no friends in this immediate area. So I am doing the best I can with phone calls to old friends and emotional outpourings to online strangers. I’m just trying to keep it together.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
If you really are serious about learning to stand up for yourself then I believe that you need to learn that true character is shown by always confronting or apologizing face to face or at least by phone. Doing it by email is taking the easy way out. If you would have done this face to face in the beginning, then you would be less likely to be in this situation...
My emotional turmoil is exactly why I can’t do a lot of this face-to-face yet. If I’m not in control I can’t call them or tell them personally how I feel. What if I started crying or getting mad enough to hurl accusations and profanities? I deserve an outlet to tell people how I feel without losing my dignity. I’m not there yet.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I only stopped hearing from the Navy after high school when I told them I was pregnant!
I miss talking to him, asking about his day, saying ILY. 