i guess i just need support because everything i need to do is against what is normal to want to do..
Yes it is counterintuitive but it is what must be done. Believe in it!
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is there the slightest chance he will even think about the converstion that took place yesterday?
Are you asking me what is going on in his head? Think about the question. He doesn't know what is going on in his head. Certainly I don't and you don't.
In MLC don't believe what you hear, sound familiar. and 50% of what you see.
However actions will speak louder than words. When his actions start to change you can believe half of it. Wait, for that, patience. I know that it is hard.
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especially when depression and all is so much a factor...nothing is rational
Yes, nothing is rational with depression.
He needs to look in the mirror and fix himself. Just like you. If not you will just go back and repeat what you have already done. I am sure you don't want that to happen. You can't tell him he needs to do this. He needs to figure it out on his own!
i have done a whole lot of crying, but i have also accomplished a whole lot... xmas trees down floors scrubbed presents put away
please let me know if this is a good idea...or bad. just need some positive reinforcement because everything i need to do goes AGAINST what i want to do...
this is so small but it is a start...
no contact is back to normal...as normal as it can possibly be.
the talk yesterday made me feel more...both good and bad. but ok.
i finally was able to get an appointment for the family counceling that has been suggested by her pediatrician and school...
i made sure to pick one that is pro family and pro marriage...i want to make sure that she knows some of what is happening is not always a bad thing...that it is worth it to keep trying...how much you can learn from your mistakes.espcially to help her with school, her anxiety and anger...this isnt her fault! she is a child and doesnt know what is going on or how to cope with it correctly.
my h said b4 that he would go...i still hope so. it may be good for all of us.
for the next few days, i plan on getting my house back to what it should be
it is a mess...literally. the physical part of it seems to be helping me and it is keeping me quite busy.
i want it to be warm and welcoming again...gonna take some hard work...it feels empty to me right now.
any thoughts or suggestions would be great. i am finding i am in a fragile state...shocked...whatever. just need to keep busy.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Take a deep breath. Did you do lamaze for childbirth.
Didn't you say in one of your earlier posts that it takes two years of counseling to get a D in your state. Stop fearing it. It is only a piece of paper. Are you scared of a piece of paper? There are marriages that reconcile the day before the final D decree. I know of people that have R after being D for a few years. I agree with you that it can be scary but you have to get yourself to a place that you don't fear it. Your H can sense your fear and he is using it against you and your children. A 180 for you is to get over your fear so that your H can not use it against you. Put it on your list.
In reality he may not have it all together enough to file. He is depressed. I know that you think detaching and NC are not going to work. But it will! Maybe you are depressed, certainly you are under stress! Are you going for counseling for yourself? Maybe you should get on some AD's. I am on them. It helps relieve the stress.
I have to go home now, I am at work. I'll try to check in later.
Just breathe! Yes, keeping busy helps you to focus on something other than your h. Make a list of the things that you've put on the back burner and never had the time to do. That list should carry through for a while.
Take it one day at a time. Focus on the here and now. If you have to go through counseling for two years, why are you worrying about it right now? Who is to say that he will even go to counseling? But, if he does, he will not continue to go....if they do go, it's only for a short period of time because they want the counselor to agree that the marriage is over. You need to go for your peace of mind and not worry about him.
Dealing w/MLC is totally different than dealing w/a normal, rational individual. You cannot talk to a MLCer about relationships, marriage and you, i.e., coming back home. They do not want to hear it. You have to understand that you are dealing with the child your h use to be and not the man he was. The child is rebelling and doesn't want any authority figure in their lives, no responsibility, nothing from us. They want to be free adn to spend their money however they want and when they want. They want to experiment, sometimes w/drugs, alcohol, gambling and yes....the opposite sex. This is the time that they question their own identity and where they thought that they should be by now. You are not part of that journey. That's why you can not pursue, cry, whine or beg. You cannot have a rational conversation w/them because their minds are mush. Oh, did I forget to mention that their memory is gone too. They forget things. Do not rely on him.
Now, breathe! Take it one step at a time and do not try to predict what the future may or may not be. Live your life to the fullest each and every day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
im sorry if i typed it wrong...not 2 years of counceling...i can hold it up for 2 years, the courts require mandatory counceling and parenting classes if children are involved.
i am on a/d. i see my dr. on thurs. I need a larger dose...more for the anxiety...
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Do start on your list of things you want to do. Right now you may be doing some of those things for him and will probably be disappointed when you don;t get the reaction/response you would like. Let that be your guide to doing things for you. Ultimately we can only take measure of our own lives and we need to do so with our own personal yardstick.
He may or may not go to C and I agree with snodderly that he will probably stop if the C doesn't agree with him.
As hard and impossible as it seems, you can reach your own goals, but only if you set them. Write them down and check them off as you go along. If some are largerm breeak them into workable pieces.
You're made of tougher stuff than you know and there are alot of folks here to offer guidance and remind you that your tough enough for whatever you want to accomplish.
he will probably stop if the C doesn't agree with him.
I think that piece of advice helps me see what my C is doing. I guess I really didn't understand why she keeps agreeing with my wife but it is just to keep her coming back for more C.
Keep your expectations at zero. Don't build your hopes up because of the "C" and what he/she will agree or not agree with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
