K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[K4D]

Well Jon,

I am going to get hammered for this. But I am not sure. I do love her still even after all of this that has happened. Part of me not filing is because I am trying to be obediant to the church and the other part is I really don't want to move forward in my life without her. I can't seem to let go of the feelings I have for her no matter how real the situation is that I am looking at. And believe me, I know how real it is as it really hit me the other night. But I just can't seem to get myself to release my feelings for her and no longer care. I go through periods when I am fed up with it, but then my feelings come back to me and I just want to reconcile the M and my family. I think about my kids and how much they want us together. I think about her and me and how much I miss her. I even find myself wishing she would even just take another look at me and realize that I know I made a ton of mistakes and that I am sorry for them and will not make them again in the future. But as far as I can tell, she isn't looking back. So while I struggle with my feelings still after 15 months, I also understand the realization of the situation.

For me to not care any longer would mean for me to also not care about what my kids want, need and is best for them which is an intact family that is healed and fixed. But morally I also struggle with looking at someone else down the road that I didn't marry for life to. So if I put that out of my mind, it leaves me basically alone from here on out which is a pretty misreable future unless W at some point some day takes another look at me and what we can have with ourselves and our kids.

So to answer your question about what would it take for me to no longer care. I don't know. If I can still care after all of this, I am not sure.

But I am trucking along trying to change my future regardless of what she decides.

Kevin