Any advice as to how I can turn this part around and make her not feel so [pressured. Also, I told her not to tell me she loved me anymore. Feel bad about that too. How do I turn that around, so that if she feels she needs to say it, she will know it is ok, after I told her not too....
The more "relaxed" that you are.....the more she will begin to feel at ease. The longer you can go without saying another word about her A or the way she is doing about "anything"....the less pressure she will feel.
BTW, saying what you did about the A to draw a boundary is not wrong. Brow-beating, shame,guilt, preaching, and anything to cause her to feel bad about herself is not the way to go with a WAW. Just wanted to make that part understood. You had to say something about the A/OM to draw a boundary, but you should not have to bring it up again unless she asks to come back home and she doesn't willingly tell you that the OM is out of the picture. I think she would, but just in case...you'll know that would be the only time to repeat anything about not sharing her with any other man. She knows where you stand.
I don't know the tone of voice you had when you told her not to say ILY anymore, so that would depend on your attitude at the time. If she heard the hurt in your voice, then she knew that was why you said it, but if you were angry.....then only time can heal that completely. If the R heals to the place that the two of you are "dating" each other...then hopefully you will have the right opportunity to tell her that you were upset when you said that and that you want to take that back. However, don't tell her right now b/c it would make you look to "needy".
Pat, if we could just learn to keep our tongues under control....wouldn't we be so much better? I bet you are a wonderful person, but when it comes to your tongue...is that your downfall? That old saying of how we hurt the people we love the most.....is so true. I think we probably treat the people we love the worst of anyone. I pray that you will get a second chance to prove to her how much you love her. Your answer to my questions made my heart melt. You know, maybe God is giving you this time to "learn" how to control your talk better and to learn how to "show" her how much you really love her (when she comes back home). We always find these things out after we lose something/somebody very precious to us.
A new year is almost here. Time to start working at being the best man you've ever been in your entire life! You can do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
With regards to the house... I can relate to your W in this instance. Except for I have never gone back to mine since the day I moved out. I loooove that house. Poured so much of my heart and creativity into making it gorgeous and pretty and just the way we wanted it. And now it's a source of pain for me because I just remember all of my belongings strewn across our lawn. So when H tells me to come over I decline...
[/quote]
Originally Posted By: patpat
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
How valuable is she to you?
I value her more than the air I breathe. I have dreamt of nothing but her since I was 13 years old. I know nothing else, I desire only her smile, I...
She is everything to me. Choosing to love her, even thru all this, is still the best choice I have ever made.
that would depend on your attitude at the time. If she heard the hurt in your voice, then she knew that was why you said it, but if you were angry.....
I was not angry. Actually, voice was very soft. But I would still like to take it back somehow....
Thank you S2
BTW... hows our health doing?
Sandi - I Love U 2!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Yes, I think I had just read his post and thought how ironic b/c I had talked to him about Dropping the Rope.....but guess he never did. Like so many others, it takes a D to get the LBH to the place they finally drop that rope.....and just like they had been told way back there what would happen......his W starts doing EXACTLY what I told him she would. So, now he's wondering what's with her with this new interest she suddenly has with his life. Makes me want to shake him!
Are you going to do the same thing Pat? I counting on you not doing that to us.
I have another person waiting on me to explain to her what dropping the rope means. I feel like nobody listens. Maybe it's just b/c it has all fallen on this sujbec today and I'm exhausted going through that old thread.
I have spent the entire evening going over an older thread where several people was working with this LBH. We gave him everything we had. The couple left to go to a Retro Weekend and he said he would tell all about what happened when he got back. Now he had been on this board for a year without any improvement in his M. So, they go to Retro and he comes back and says it was wonderful and that the M was good but he promised his W that he would stay off the DB board. I knew right then that in his trying to open up to her --he spilled the beans when she started probing him about where he was getting his infomation. So, she told him to ditch the board, and that's what he did. I've wondered if the M is doing okay. Frankly, I did not have a good feeling about him caving into her feelings like that,but it's not the first member that's done it and won't be the last. I see this board as a support group for some, and therapy for others. They sure don't need to be telling their S they are discussing the MR on the Internet b/c the S just doesn't understand what this is all about.
So, I promise I will get back to your tomorrow if at all possible. I need to turn in for the night.
Hope you have a good envening.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Originally Posted By: Sandi B/c dropping the rope works! I just wished it didn't take a D before people finally did it.
You said this on another sitch "Looking for Help".
Explain in detail what exactually you mean here.... and how successful is it and why it is successful.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a _____ what she does any longer. You aren't a jetk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Soleil, I was still editing. (lol) Kept thinking of something else to add.
I had another member to ask about this, so I think I will copy & paste and just tell her to reverse the man & wife in the story. Does it make sense? This is my own imagination at work here and I'm sure somebody else could do a better job. Maybe someone will chime in.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
