What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Ready2Change]

...I was just complacent, a "don't rock the boat" attitude....

180 and rock the boat. I waited to long to do this. "I have decided......" is a great way to do this.

[Ready2Change]

.... In the end, she wants to pursue the person she wants to be with, she was pursuing the OM and you were pursuing her, put the brakes on that, you move in the opposite direction, you will never get her if you are chasing her...

I agree completely. You will need to be very aware of what you are projecting. Shift you focus off of wife and onto you. Work on flirting and seducing other women. Their walls are not as strong as WAS. Maintain your boundaries while doing this.

[Sleepy]

Got it!!

Like Wonderful said, now that I am in the MB, things have changed. I feel I have more power. I am no longer the outsider (The extra bedroom is detached from the rest of the house). Excellent move and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't come here.

I am going to detach and continue to, as my W says, "send out feelers to other women". I have caught glipses of how this works and it is very effective. She is disturbed by it.

I cleared out the bookcase in her room and then she said "should we keep it?" I said " yeah, I want it for my place." She didn't respond to that. She just asked if we could get more furniture.

Thanks for all the help guys.

[Wonderful!]

It feels good to have some power back doesn't it?

I am going to read a bit of The Art of Seduction this evening before I go home. I will get home a bit late. I am keeping it in my office to avoid its discovery. This thinking may appeal to you Doc as a man who likes challenges: If we can seduce the one person who can't stand us(our wives) then we can seduce anyone. Ha!

[Wonderful!]

Like Wonderful said, now that I am in the MB, things have changed. I feel I have more power. I am no longer the outsider (The extra bedroom is detached from the rest of the house). Excellent move and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't come here.

This stuff is counter intuitive. Just remember(and I type this for both our benefit): When you hear hooves, think zebras, not horses.

[Sleepy]

Good one with the Zebras. Yeah, we are taught not to look for them. Anything that can produce some confusion and uncertainty on their part, will work in our favor.

[Ready2Change]

I am paraphasing from Parenting with Love and Logic P30 - learning at affordable prices:

Today is the cheapest price we will pay for bad choices. Tomorrow the price will always be higher.

I am setting boundaries with my X-Wife. The cost is higher now than if I would have done so sooner after the bomb. I am glad that you are taking the advise. The price is the cheapest now.

So the "trick" is to start acting like you are divorced- NOW!

The spell you W had on you has been broken and she can no longer control you. You still respect her, but you respect yourself MORE!

Determine what is YOUR responsibility and what is HER responsibility. Do not rely on her for anything. Stop sharing money. Setup your own account if needed. DO IT NOW!

Make the master bedroom, YOURS! Paint it YOUR COLOR. Move the furniture to where YOU want it. New bed cover might look nice! Any art you like? Get it in there.....

[12bar]

TriDoc

You are doing well, read robx's and R2C's posts again and again until it sinks in. Congrats on regaining the MB! I want to read art of seduction too but am scared to order it directly to the house!

[Sleepy]

Today I did I took the advice from those on this board and did the 180. I got off work fairly early and went to the optometrist and got contact lenses. I haven’t worn them for 18 years. Technology sure has changed, they are so much more comfortable now. I bought some Grecian formula to comb out the salt and pepper in the temple area of my hair, and then to Banana Republic to get some new updated clothing.

I used to be a college swimmer and I have taken pretty good care of myself over the years, so my physique hasn’t changed much from then. I suppose that is in my favor. I don’t have to work on losing weight or buffing up. Anyhow, I went to the gym and got in a good run on the treadmill then did a focused upper body workout. It was good to get in a guilt free workout.

After that, I had an appointment with my therapist for an hour, told him the good news about my moving back to the MB. Funny thing.....I didn’t get as much from him as I am getting from all of you in this forum. He seems to be just a “yes” man then I hand him the check. Thanks to all of you who have piped in on my thread and given me the courage to do this.

I went home and showed up as the new me. My W was quiet at first then said, “Why did you get contacts and why did you get new clothes?” “Where have you been all day?” “Why didn’t you check in and tell me where you were?” I answered all of her questions with polite short and succinct responses, then I got the kids together and we had dinner at the table and just talked about everyones day. My son said "don't get a tattoo." My W was silent.....I could tell she was getting so pissed. She refused to talk about her day.

After dinner she asked to have a word with me. I went over to the table and then she proceeded to raise her voice and tell me why I didn’t have the right to be running around town doing all these things for myself when I was needed at home. I said “ I didn’t know you felt that way. I thought you liked it when I wasn’t around” She spoke about the OM and the kids were right there. Her voice was still loud and high pitched. I told her that If I was going to continue with this conversation she would have to speak normally. I would not tolerate her yelling at me. I thought that it was disrespectful and that the kids were right there and could hear everything and I walked off.

She said “ I’m not done with you yet” I said “If you want to talk to me anymore you will do it in a civil manner and we will continue in private.” ......Well, we took it up in the garage apartment, which she has remodeled quite nicely. I commented “ you have done a great job with this place.” ....The conversation went on and on, then around and around. The same old thing over and over. It is all my fault... blah blah blah.... I can’t stand you..I want the kids full time and the 50/50 arrangement won’t work. “Well, I said “life isn’t fair and when you get divorced you have to learn to live with what cards that you are dealt,”

She had a bad day. She told me how bad it was with her crocodile tears, running here and there, taking the cats at the vet, kids misbehaving...on and on. “You should have been there to help”. I was sorry to hear about it, So I said “ how do you think life would be different if you were divorced?” ......Well she said,..... “you wouldn’t have come in all happy, with your new contacts and clothes, and on and on and ate the meal I prepared”.... Not much of an answer there. This change up definitely upset her and threw her into a tailspin.

Once the conversation started repeating itself I said “ I think we have said enough”. She still has doubts about the other woman that I contacted and I left her guessing. She says she wants a divorce and still feels trapped. Then she asked me if my therapist knew anyone who could mediate our issues.... I didn’t know what that meant..Lawyer?,Therapist? She didn’t elaborate. I’m not ready to mediate a divorce now. I think we need more time.

She says that she still hates me, I am like her prison guard! She says I speak like a politician now and all the books I read are psychobabble which were written on the first grade level. The sad fact is she hasn’t read one book on relationships or even made an effort to listen to or cooperate with a marriage counselor. She has her issues but blames her problems on me. Well, I’m not taking it anymore and she sees that now. I think she is in for a life of misery if she doesn’t get her act together. Yeah, she will be a lot happier without me around.

“Oh yeah” I said. “I’ve decided that I am going out on New Years eve.” She said “you have never done that before?”..... I asked if she wanted to go. “No, what about the kids?” was her answer....nuff said.

I can’t rationalize with the irrational and I am believing 50 % of what she says and does. DB is working. If this marriage doesn’t reconcile at least I will be a better father and a more solid person through this experience. I suppose that is what GAL is all about at this stage of the game. I am prepared for anything.

[DDogs]

Great job Tridoc...!

You handled yourself very admirably. You took good control of the conversation. My sitch is similar but my similar conversation with the W was "batsh@t, crazy, Hissy" to the factor of 10 as per Robx.

I see your W as scared too, now that you are regaining composure and focus (GALing)

excellent! 180's are counterintuitive to everything weve become accustomed to believe,,, but this stuff does get results, not saying good nor bad, just things happen after 180's go in play...