hey junco. yes tell her u r going to do MC on ur own to help u out and she's more than welcome to join. u do need to GAL. limbo land sucks but is apart of it
MC is going to be one of my gifts to myself for New Years. You are right, I do need to GAL, I think I am going to spend the holidays brainstorming for 2010 GAL opportunities
Informed W the other day of my intentions to start MC and that she was welcome to come if she wanted. She was unresponsive which has been typical of her throughout this so I became frustrated (as usual) and pressed on when I probably should not have. I reiterated my boundary about OM and this time went further to explain that if she continued down that road, she would not only lose our MR, she would lose our friendship as well. W left and slept in other room after this.
Things were OK the next morning but W left me a note at the end of the day explaining that she had never considered a life without my friendship and that it was not something she would ever choose. This whole exchange did seem to push her away though as in her note she said that she had tried for so long and that maybe she should have gotten the apt. a few months ago as she had planned. Said that we have had no space to see if we would miss each other and that she might move into guest bedroom to start putting some space between us.
This note led to a small, unemotional discussion where she told me that she has felt a burden to take care of things for me for a long time and that it had become a lot for her to bear. I told her that I have always appreciated any help from her (which I always have) but that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and that I don't want her to ever feel that taking care of me is something she needs to do. I almost perceived that she felt relieved to hear me say that but maybe I am mind reading. We went out to for dinner after this and had a really nice conversation about non-R things and she ended up staying in the master bedroom that night.
I have been backsliding my way all the way through December and this is what I have learned:
1. Losing my PMA around the house hurt me (home not as warm as it needs to be)
2. Forays into R talks have been unproductive at best and probably counterproductive
3. I still have serious work to do on me, I had maybe become too content in the changes that I have made to date
4. Maybe, she still values certain aspects of being with me, however, as long as she knows that I am always here for her, she has no real reason to end her A and work on the M
As far as space is concerned, I will give her the space. It is hard for me to know how she may fill that space but hanging onto her is not working. It has been 5 months and I am still effectively at Bomb-day status with the only difference being that I have grown significantly from a personal standpoint. Not once have I become unavailable to her I was reading this weekend and realized that while it creates mystery, it also forces the OM to meet the ENs that I am currently meeting for the W and perhaps he will not be able to.
It is so frustrating to me to know that me and my W have a good foundation to rebuild a M on and that it is hindered by her inability to put the work in at this point. I have to become stronger as a person with or without my W in 2010.
I have two weekend trips (without W) planned for January so it will be a good GAL month for me
It is so frustrating to me to know that me and my W have a good foundation to rebuild a M on and that it is hindered by her inability to put the work in at this point.
So you take up the whole page talking about your inability to even get past the bomb-day status, but at the end of it....you are mad at her and blaming her inability to put the work into it???
You know what ticks me of? The fact a woman will "put work into it" for years and then when she finally is done with it, the H gets frustrated when it's not fixed in a short time frame and then starts to blame her for not putting work into it. Yeah.....go figure!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I apologize if I sent the wrong message. I am not blaming her and am not mad at her. I was just venting my frustration at the situation. In our talk the other night, I validated how I pushed her to her state of doneness and I apologized to her for not seeing how lonely she was and the pain she was in. I own my part in this 100% and I carry severe personal regret because of it.
I understand her inability to not work on it, she is exhausted, in pain and scared that if she were to give it another go that it would be too much for her. My frustration in "her inability" (poor choice of words) is that she reached this state because of me. As you said, she is unable to do more because she tried for so long and I didn't see it. I am most frustrated at me because I blew it.
The other night, I told her that I have learned so much through this and that probably my biggest regret was not having done what I am doing now two years ago because it would have changed things. She agreed with me which really brought it home for me how bad I messed this up.
My therapist says that I have to start investing my energy in myself at this point. I kind of tie that with the lack of respect my W has for me right now (the fact that she thinks she has to take care of me) because there are some things I need to accomplish for myself right now that I have drug my feet on. I have a good career but I am also working on a graduate degree part time. I have felt no rush to finish this because we are financially OK but my W feels that I am not being proactive enough. I am a very active and physically fit person but I have not lost this lingering 20-30 pounds of weight even though I always talk about doing it. I started a major house project a couple of years ago and have yet to finish it. I think I need to start focusing on these because they are good for me and maybe it will help my W reclaim some of her respect for me by seeing me accomplish what I set out to do. I'm no slouch but she is very action-oriented and goal-driven so I probably need to up my game.
I also need to develop more friendships outside of our M, not only for GAL, but to take the pressure off of her to be my emotional center.
I need to show her real action on these things and quit having my pain and frustration sabotage me. I want to bust her A so that she might be able to open her heart to me again but not sure what else to do other than trying to show her real change. I laid down my boundaries about OM back in October but didn't really establish consequences. I think letting her know the other night that the A with the OM might ultimately threaten our friendship was my attempt to start bringing some potential consequences into light.
How do you think I should proceed? I only know that most of what I did over the past 5 months has not worked but as you said, maybe I am expecting it to work quickly which is unreasonable.
Patience perhaps? Oh, and also MC and was even thinking of trying a DB coaching session.
How do you think I should proceed? I only know that most of what I did over the past 5 months has not worked but as you said, maybe I am expecting it to work quickly which is unreasonable.
Patience perhaps? Oh, and also MC and was even thinking of trying a DB coaching session.
It's going to take time. You have already told her about MC and she didn't respond. When you got to your next appointment, tell her, "I'm on my way/heading to MC'ing."
Keep going cause she will see you are making an effort to work on YOU.
Yes, you need to GAL. And what will that entail? Gym? Hobby? A new class?
The time part is hard. although I have grown more patient with age, I am still a very impatient person. Good idea on the just letting her know I am going part, maybe she will even be interested in what we talked about (she has been with my therapist appt's).
As far as GAL, I made the mistake of not developing friendships when we moved to our current location. I am big into cycling so once the warm season rolls around, I will be set up there. I joined a local bike club right after the bomb and started meeting people but the season ended pretty quickly. I'm really looking forward to that starting back up again. I am a gym rat right now and going almost every day and it really helps with the PMA. Got back into playing guitar a couple of years ago but have been slack about doing it so I can spend some effort there. I also thought about taking a French course at the local community college.
I think I can find a lot to do, I just need to refocus my energy and give my W a break from me always being around.
How do you think I should proceed? I only know that most of what I did over the past 5 months has not worked but as you said, maybe I am expecting it to work quickly which is unreasonable.
How would you climb a mountain?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was reading this weekend and realized that while it creates mystery, it also forces the OM to meet the ENs that I am currently meeting for the W and perhaps he will not be able to.