I said " You walked out on this marriage for 6 mos., one day of forgiving and tears doesn't fix it - I want it fixed if it can be but it won't do anything but get worse if we ignore how we got here."
She did throw the - " You said I could talk to him" @ me.
I said" Please repeat the WHOLE statement for me b/c what I said was- It ends now, somewhere down the road if you bump into him or talk to him I could probably get past it, that's not now."
She also said that the S with him was actually the LOW point in the relationship!
Well, Sandi makes a good point about this and I now think she is correct. If you leave any loophole available for contact with OM, the WAW will use it to get a fix. Sounds like what your W did. The spirit of your boundary was clear, IMO, but yeah...if there was a loophole, she found it and took advantage. She's not ready to work on the M apparently. Time for tough love, OB. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
She did throw the - " You said I could talk to him" @ me.
I said" Please repeat the WHOLE statement for me b/c what I said was- It ends now, somewhere down the road if you bump into him or talk to him I could probably get past it, that's not now."
She also said that the S with him was actually the LOW point in the relationship!
Well, Sandi makes a good point about this and I now think she is correct. If you leave any loophole available for contact with OM, the WAW will use it to get a fix. Sounds like what your W did. The spirit of your boundary was clear, IMO, but yeah...if there was a loophole, she found it and took advantage. She's not ready to work on the M apparently. Time for tough love, OB. Greek
Did you hear that, the sex with the OM was the low point in her relationship with him, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW that's so sweet, tell her you're falling in love with her all over again after hearing that the sex with the other guy wasn't that good. Be a rock for her sport, validate those feelings, give her a hug, tell her the next OM, things will be better for her ;-)
I said " You walked out on this marriage for 6 mos., one day of forgiving and tears doesn't fix it - I want it fixed if it can be but it won't do anything but get worse if we ignore how we got here."
Exactamundo, Over. Spot on.
Yes except you're still pursuing her.
Here's my revision:
" You walked out on this marriage for 6 mos., one day of forgiving and tears doesn't fix it - you had a chance to fix this but you kept ignoring what I told you to do, you kept disrespecting me, now it's too late for YOU. How many chances did you think I was going to give you?"
Stop pursuing her.
Stop telling her what she has to do to fix things.
If she really wants to fix things, she will ask you what she needs to do, otherwise it's still you pursuing her.
Until she does that, you have no chance with her. Detach, let go, move on.
Everytime you ACT tough, she does a partial 180. You appear to get tough, it kind of scares her, she calls your bluff, she discovers you're bluffing and it's business as usual.
Ask her if she plays texas hold'em, she's got skills in the bluffing and calling other people's bluffs department.
Stop acting tough.
Rule: stop doing what doesn't work, start doing what does work.
Be a man, be strong, move on, detach, stop playing this game with her, it's just a game with her, she keeps testing you to see how far she can push you and you keep allowing it to happen.
Until you create the actual crisis that she actually has to respond to and act accordingly to, you guys are just dancing back & forth, trading positions.
Everytime you ACT tough, she does a partial 180. You appear to get tough, it kind of scares her, she calls your bluff, she discovers you're bluffing and it's business as usual.
You have to follow through, OB. From the very beginning, you have known what to say and what you SHOULD do, but you haven't necessarily followed through with it. When you found that phone under her pillow and read the ILY text from OM, you rightly told her to get the F out. Right on! Cheering madly for you! But, but, but...she's not out, is she? She hasn't even really stopped the contact. She doesn't believe what you say b/c you haven't pulled the trigger on her consequences.
Robx is right.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Everytime you ACT tough, she does a partial 180. You appear to get tough, it kind of scares her, she calls your bluff, she discovers you're bluffing and it's business as usual.
Ask her if she plays texas hold'em, she's got skills in the bluffing and calling other people's bluffs department.
Stop acting tough.
Rule: stop doing what doesn't work, start doing what does work.
Be a man, be strong, move on, detach, stop playing this game with her, it's just a game with her, she keeps testing you to see how far she can push you and you keep allowing it to happen.
Until you create the actual crisis that she actually has to respond to and act accordingly to, you guys are just dancing back & forth, trading positions.
How fun is that?!
God do I know how this feels...they're right OB - stick to your guns!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
