Wife lost her love for me - my story

[TomLost Love]

First time I'm posting here - but I have been reading many posts already here.

I'm 47, my wife is 46, married 25 years this past September.
Three children - Son 23, Daughter 21 and Daughter 11

Don't know where to start - I guess I got blindsided in Sept right after our anniversary that my wife was not happy, sad in her life, didn't think it was me, but needed time to sort things out. By Oct - she asked me to move out - I spend a few nights away, but because of financial issues, I couldn't get a separate place, so I ended up sleeping elsewhere in the house (basement, living room couch, etc.).

She has indicated she defintely wants a Legal Separation and wants a break for a year to see where we are at that point to decide whether to divorce or not. She freely admits that she doesn't know what she wants at this point, but she knows she doesn't want me to touch her, nor anyone else to touch her either. (She used to absolutely love back rubs in bed at night).

She got REALLY big into Facebook, and in retrospect, a year later, that is where I am realizing she detached herself from me, found many friends she grew up with from 30-40 years ago, and began to spend large chunks of her time online and on Facebook.

Major contributing facter we both agree on: our 23 year old son is a prescription drug addict, and has had arrests, car accidents, hospital episodes (one a close call with overdosing to death), in and out patient rehabs, counseling sessions, lost jobs, fighting and outbursts in our home, broken windows and doors, called us terrible words, blamed us, defied us, embarrassed us, etc.

There is no doubt in my mind that she has lost part of herself because of him, she even told me just days ago that she feels like a failure as a mother when she looks at him.

He relapsed in July and was in jail, rehab and then a sober living house until Thanksgiving, when he returned to our home and brought his anger and fighting into the middle of an already delicate situation between my wife and I.

He is doing better, but there is no doubt he raises the anxiety level tenfold with just his presence and the experience we have all had with his addiction.

We have put up our house for sale with the intention of paying down our debt, splitting the remainder, and getting two apartments, one for the girls and one for my son and I (not sure if I can deal with him anymore either, so a third apartment might come into the plan....)

So Step 1 - remove him from our home as soon as I can, before the sale if possible, to get that stress out of her life and the girls as much as possible

Step 2 - remove myself (not probable until the sale of our home given our finances)

Step 3 - give her the space she needs and the Separation she desires and see where we are in a year.

I should note that I was doing ALL the wrong things, begging her to reconsider, crying, lost puppy dog around the house, sending emails, little gifts, flowers on her pillow, love notes, asking who was texting her or answering her on email, etc. I realize I made more damage and that I need to do a 180 asap.

I'm sure I'm leaving many details out, but thats where I am. I do love her, I do believe she is hurting inside from the events in our child's life, did not agree with me along the way how things should've been handled with him, and in the process, lost her feelings and love.

Difficult situation - but I'm living it and trying to do whats right for my wife, and of course the kids as well. Any comments or feedback would be welcomed - I am trying to come to terms with all of this, and am much better mental place than I was months ago. Trying to stay strong for all.......

[sandi2]

Welcome to the board. Come every day to post and read other people's stories. It will help you.

I will tell you what I have learned from my own experiences, other people's experiences, and from reading, etc. So, take it FWITW, but I hope it may help. Can't tell everything in one post b/c of so much I know...... Just kidding ya.

Well, first.....you don't move out of the house. Second....the 23 yr. old needs to move out. Your W may not like that, and you need her support on this b/c it will add to the ever growing M problems if she doesn't. I can promise you this....if he doesn't leave, he'll never get better. It is about the toughest love you will ever have to use, but do it for him...and for the sake of your M. I could talk a long time about that, but I think you already know what I'm saying, don't you?

She is going through some major changes. All this with the son has taken a toll on her in several ways. My first suggestion is for her to see a specialist that will test all of her hormone levels and if needed....get her on HRT. Don't know if she needs it, but the doctor will know. I can tell you this much....it will make a difference in her affection for you if her hormone level is what it should be. After all, that is what women are made of.....so you don't want her running low!

Does your W work outside the home?

I am concerned about her activity on the computer....FB, etc. The more I hear about FB and all the problems it has caused in M's....the more I dislike it. I would not be surpirsed if she has not made a connection with somebody from her past that is trying to rekindle old feelings. May not be from the past....may be some new man. I tell you this b/c if you read very many threads here on the board...you will discover that most of the WAW's are in in EA (emotional affair) and some are in a PA. Not all women who walk away from their M are in an A, but the majority are.

Have you read her emails and messages on FB to see who she is contacting the most? Does she seems secretive about things? Is she into TM on her phone? Does she leave the room to take calls? Start noticing if she is doing things like that that seem strange.

Have you read Michelle's article here on the home page about the WAW? If not, please do so. Also, if you have not ordered the DR book, you need to get that.

I will talk to you later. Hope you will stick with the board. You'll find good people here and they will support you more than anyone else.

Take care of yourself. That's important.

Sandi

[sandi2]

I am going to send you a list to have as a guide of do's & don'ts. Maybe that will help while you are waiting on the book. Some may seem the opposite of what you think you should be doing, but trust me....they work.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[BeginningAgain]

I agree with Sandi.

If your wife is the one who does not want to stay in the marriage why in the world do you feel like you have to be the one to move out. If she is that unhappy, and you have not physically or emotionally abused her, you have not been unfaithful to her, then she, not you, should be the one to suffer the consequences of moving out of the family home - without the children.

Like Sandi said above, it's tough love time for the 23 year old. Time for him to stand on his feet, take ownership of his problems and deal with them in a positive way. In a sense you are enabling his behaviour and keeping him from kicking his habits by allowing him to "bring his anger home to you".

Finally, I suspect you already know that your wife is involved with someone else, either an EA or PA. This is why you are asking her who is texting her and answering her emails. It is extremely suspicious for someone who begins to connect with old friends on FB to follow that up with unhappiness in the marriage and wanting a separation for a year.

Read the books and put the recommendations Michelle makes into action. You have a long road ahead, but you can do this!

S4H

[TomLost Love]

Thanks for your advice - it definitely helps to hear from folks - I never know if what I am doing or thinkinbg of doing is the best path - but you just have to keeping blazing that path I guess - even if you make mistakes along the way.

So - a few answers to some of the questions:

Yes - I know the 23 yr old has to be out on his own and away from my wife - the two of them are toxic for each other. he is just getting on his feet and just gotten back to working part time to get started again - so I am planning to try to get him out within the next month if I can.

Wife - she works 3 days a week babysitting - part time.
I know she communicates a lot with her circle of female friends on Facebook - but she won't "friend" me, so I dont really know for sure. I really believe she is not having an affair (she is not out of house much really), but you may be right about an emotional one. She does shut the bedroom door at times when she is on line, at other times she freely leaves it open. I don't know how she would take any feedback from me about seeing a Doctor - she refused to go to a marriage therapist/counselor with me saying they are a waste of time and she doesn't believe that will work. She says she needs a big change in her life to get away from the life we have evolved into - she's ashamed/embarrassed about the addiction and problems we have endured, the people at our daughter's school are clickish, and she (we) are outsiders to most of them, she has brought up moving out of state several times once the house is sold, has no intention of limiting my access to my daughters and wants me to live near them, even if we move out of state. She is really "all over the place" with her thinking. She can be nice and cordial to me one day, and the next tell me she no longer has answers to my personal questions that I might ask. She will talk with me with tears about moving and finding "peace" and then next day will have angry attitude and nasty temperment towards me - like I beat her or something.

I'll come back on later.....

[TomLost Love]

Why am I the one considering moving out? Well I guess I feel I am the breadwinner, and I feel like I need to continue to provide for the family, no matter what the circumstances. If my wife left the house, she will take my younger daughter with her, and I dont know where she'd go. I am thinking its best for the time being to keep things stable for my daughter - to keep her in her own home, in own bed, she will be devastated in my opinion once house is sold and we get two apartments....

I am going on gut instinct as I go along the path here - what I do know is that I was doing more then half of the "dont's" in the list above from Sandi, and I realized a week or so ago that I needed to start my 180........

[ClingingToHope]

Tom, I had the same thoughts as you. I ended up being the "hero" and moving out. It was a major mistake. Now I am stuck in limboland. My W doesn't want to work on the M, doesn't really want to save the money to get a D, can act as if we are not M and do whatever she wants because her life hasn't changed all that much.

I'm stuck now with the unenviable position of staying in limboland indefinitely or filing for D to get some resolution.

Make her do the work, while you work on yourself.

[TomLost Love]

Thanks.

Haven't really thought about being a hero just the provider for the family, but I guess when you step away and look at it, that's the way it appears. Deep stuff.... have to digest that....

I currently (I change almost hour to hour sometimes - so I'm still not the rock I need to be)am thinking of staying in the house until we sell it, but at that point, if she hasn't changed her mind, the situation will be two apartments. I will know at that point if she still wants to pursue the Legal Separation because she will have her cut of the house and have the money to pursue it.

I can definitely see the limboland scenario though. Hadn't thought of that. More to think about.....

THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME TO JUMP IN AND PROVIDING YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!! Helping think about things I hadn't thought of before.........

[cw68]

My xh and I tried sharing the house and an apartment, whomever had custody of the children would stay at the house and the other at an apartment we rented. He first brought it up because we could rent a smaller/cheaper apartment and I thought it would be good for the kids, thinking that if we got back together it would have been less traumatic for the kids and if we split it would be a more gradual transition. I think it was better for the kids, but it put the nails in our relationship's coffin, letting him have his cake and eat it too. He could come over for dinner, put the kids to bed and then leave to work on his new R, his EA. It did not put the reality of the situation in his face during a time when he was trying to figure things out.

I don't mean to be harsh, but she probably is having an EA. My xh was and I refused to believe it because he was around all the time, he wasn't really ever unaccounted for. Expect for all the time he was at work, except for when he was training for his marathon and except for traveling for work. It's not just staying out late. I later got phone logs and they talked in the morning on the way to work, multiple times during the day, on the way home and then after the kids went to bed, regardless of which house he was at. He'd do his fatherly duty and then rush off to work on creating a new life for himself. I simply refused to knowledge that that could be happening. Things would have been a lot different had I known.

They got married on Thanksgiving.

Affairs, ESPECIALLY emotional affairs, change everything.

Lastly, while I love FB, my sister was recently served divorce papers from her husband of 28 years. About a year ago he reconnected with his high-school girlfriend and they began an affair. They have both left their respective spouses and are planning on being together forever.

Good luck to you. Fight the good fight!

[TomLost Love]

Wow.

Sounds like you went thru hell - how you kept sane during that is a miracle.

I guess what gets to me is how after 25/30 yrs, 3 kids, bills, family death/illnesses, good times, hard times, wonderful times, but surviving and having love and utmost trust, that suddenly its gone? You love a person and trust them with everything in your life, and then its "I don't love you anymore". How do you put aside all that time, all that "living", and put it in a trash bag and throw it away?

It's true I cannot comprehend what she is feeling because I feel the opposite, but its just mindboggling to think about it. And the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it or work on it. She feels bad and doesn't want to hurt me, but she just doesn't have that feeling anymore.

I do feel betrayed though - like she stole all those years from me - whether she is in an EA or not. That may be selfish of me to think that way - who in their right mind would marry someone for 25 yrs with no feeling - and I lived it with her every day - so I know what love, trust, understanding, and passion there was. I don't think the greatest actress in the world can fake happiness for 25 yrs - so she definitely lost something within her in the last couple of years, which is the time she is claiming she has started to feel the love slip away.

Anyway - I'm rambling. Come back on later when I regain my sanity.... !