Hope and heartache

[mishka422]

deficient in certain vitamins, amino acids, minerals, etc.

Absolutely! Every bit of help you can give your daughter the better. I tried switching my son to a gluten free diet but it's been nearly impossible. Still working at it. I have added some amino acids that have really helped.

Thanks for the website Gardener. I had never heard of that one.

CTH - Do what feels best to you. Advice is only as good as what is useful to you. We give the best we've got based on experience, but your experience is yours alone. If nothing that has been suggested rings as true to you, then leave it be. No one is trying to force anything on you.

Here is my opinion on the living situation, again, just an opinion.

Don't move back in. Whatever you do, please don't do that. That has the most potential to hurt your children in the event that the D goes forward. No matter how hurt you are, how much you want to 'show' your wife your changes, etc., if it has even the remote possibility of hurting your kids then it's not worth it.

[ClingingToHope]

Steve, I'm not arguing. I'm asking. No one on here has THE answer. It's different in every situation.

At this point, wouldn't it be better for me to just file for D and seek joint physical custody? Then I wouldn't have to write this big fat check every two weeks since she outearns me. And then she'd see the full consequences of her actions.

Sandi chimed in a couple of weeks ago on the "just move home" thing and based on her experience it would probably cause W to absolutely hate my guts. Her opinion was to do it if I couldn't hack it financially on my own. That's not the case.

[ClingingToHope]

C-Bart, I scored a 38 on the test. I'll check to see if the library has the book.

[ClingingToHope]

Nothing much to report. Looking over money issues and trying to figure out New Year's Eve and my weekend. Trying to focus on myself and let W worry about herself.

I think on Jan. 1 I'll move over to Separated -- Now What. I don't feel like a newbie anymore.

Also wondering when Awest will post again.

[ClingingToHope]

Spent the night watching football with my friend who just separated from his W. Safe issues. Seemingly happy until three years ago until they stopped trying to have a second child. Fertility treatments didn't work. She wanted to adopt. He didn't.

Big mistake.

What they are doing is splitting weeks at their house. It's a very nice house. The one out lives at the parents house.

He was telling me they are still doing several things as a family and each time they have a good experience he pushes for more. I gave him the LBS rules and he's trying to back off.

He's saying some good things. He wasn't happy either and doesn't want to go back to the way it was so a lot has to change.

His W has resources. Her parents would be able to finance a D so he's trying to prepare for getting papers after New Year's.

I told him to expect the worst and hope for the best. I told him how it looked like a D filing was imminent in October and I haven't heard anything along those lines since early November.

My case. Two days and not a word from W. I have no idea if she has ideas for New Year's. As of now, I expect to take the girls Dec. 30 and then she has them Dec. 31 and Jan. 1. It's her weekened so that means -- unless something is worked out I won't see the girls for four straight days. The longest stretch since the summer.

I don't know really what's next. W forgot to leave enough money in our joint account for our second mortgage payment. So she's facing another $35 bounced check fee.

I thought about 1) calling and 2) transferring money in to cover. I decided against both. She'll have to either fix it herself or call for help.

[MHL]

CTH,
I am posting a response here in your thread from another thread that Dwinter82 started. I did not want to hijack his thread.

To Quote you:
"I've been hammered by some on these boards for being too nice and the nice guy approach doesn't work. So what's the opposite? Being an ass. That's just not me."

I have been lurking around the boards quite a bit and it seems as though IMHO that most LBS are very resentful towards the WAS and therefore think and act in that manner, as did I for a good 2 to 3 months. On the otherhand the success stories I have read here almost always included "acceptance" and loving the WAS through the pain they are causing. I think you have to check your pride at the door when doing good DBing.

I have had more success in the last 3-4 weeks being nice and doing some good DBing than I have in previous 5 months. I join you in your approach. Additionally I think everyone needs to do a better job on looking for and finding the positives baby steps in every interaction with their spouse. I think in the beginning the negatives are so much bigger and numerous that they block out the positives from our view. PMA is the way!!

I have not read your thread but I will at work today. I hope you find the positives in the day. BTW just looked at your last post, is this bounced check thing an opportunity to show her a 180, do you usually get upset or crazy about the finances. I know I did. Might be an opportunity, just a thought, have a great day.

[sandi2]

If you have a chance, could you jump over and give me your opinion.

Not exactly sure what part you want my opinion on, but I'll give it a shot. First of all.....you need separate bank accounts b/c as long as you cover your W overdrafts, she will continue to make them. Just as in raising a child, what has she learned if you rescue her every time? She needs to deal with her own consequences.

If it is still over moving back into the home or not.....like I said before, if you move back, do it as a strong, confident man who has made that decision....and not a man who appears weak and can't make it. The problem is the amount of time that you have been S from her, and if you just waltz in some day, all hell will break lose. She thinks of that as "her" house and you the intruder.

I know there was several posts here and on my thread that you were discussing this issue. My final say would be whatever makes you appear to be stronger and in control of his life as a man. Frankly, I don't know what to tell you about the children. It's just a mess all the way around and I'm sure the more changes that are made in your D's surroundings, the harder it is for everyone. I am no professional about children with her problem on a severe level, but at this point......I would do what is best for your children.....whatever you think that is.

I do maintain that your W should be opperating out of her own checking account and not expect to be covered if she overdraws.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Sandi. I'm not moving home unless it's part of the R process. Others brought it up and I only slightly considered it because I was trying to think if there was any way of undoing my past mistake of moving out. Those cards have been dealt and just showing up at home would give the girls false hope and do permanent damage.

The bank accounts? Way back when I moved out she wanted to close all of our joint accounts. I told her that would mean she'd have to go to the bank to deposit anything I gave her instead of me just transferring it in.

It never came up again. Instead, I opened another account at a different bank and she opened a new single account at that bank. I'm not sure how that works for her, if she's allowed to transfer money from a joint to a single account through the Internet access.

I will not bring it up to her. She'll have to bring it up to me. I'm prepared to close the joint account now if she wants. Long ago I decided to stop resisting any efforts she has in separating because it makes me look weak and clingy.

I thought Christmas went well because I was up, happy, interacted well with her family. I did extend two invitations to things she turned down, but then she invited me to two things -- even if the second one may have had to do a little bit with logistics.

So looking back at last week, I've accomplished some things.

1) The end of negative feelings. There hasn't been any cross words or arguments since the girls were sick back in October.

2) Good impressions. When we've seen each other I've been up, happy to see the girls, happy to see the dog even.

3) Appearance of strength. I can't climb into her head, but I have a nice setup at my townhouse. Have the second jobs to help with my money issues and am back working out since the hernia and tooth implant surgeries slowed me up in October.

The last thing is for me. I'm trying not to let all of the things above be a show and be real. The first couple of months out of the house I was just angry and bitter and figured it wouldn't be long before she begged to have me back.

From about month three to six, I was taking the relationship classes and learning a lot and feeling like I was making some positive changes. Then I went on a six-week streak there where I lost focus and really backslid on some personal demons.

Perhaps it was the hernia surgery and not being able to be as active or just the winter blues setting in.

I feel better this week, stronger. Perhaps it's the realization that I'll have saved enough to file for the D by the end of February and I won't feel so helpless or scared.

[Steve McQueen]

At this point, wouldn't it be better for me to just file for D and seek joint physical custody?

If that is what you want and it would make you happy then Yes. If you answer No, then it is in your best interest to break up the affair and spent more time with your children.

DDogs just moved back home. His wife is throwing a pissy fit. WAH WAH WAH. "I cant walk all over. I am not getting my way. I cant fool around behind your back while you pay my rent." WAH WAH WAH. I have little respect for woman like that. I have ALOT of respect for men who do not allow that to happen to them. Look at that statement through your wifes eyes. Do you think she respects a man who she can boss around and keep from his own house while she's planning trips to party in Sturgis?

from above,

To Quote you:
"I've been hammered by some on these boards for being too nice and the nice guy approach doesn't work. So what's the opposite?

CONFIDENCE. SELF RESPECT. DECISIVENESS. KNOW YOURSELF!

[DDogs]

CTH: STEVE McQ is spot on.. he is referring to my sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

I'm glad I moved back. The timing for me was right, I could have gone back earlier, but I was not properly prepared or in the proper mind set to do effective DB, GAL etc..

Given the advice from the folks here, I made an informed decisive choice of what to do and had a plan, you can read the results of my actions on my W part..

"As for the crazy psycho hissy fit bat$hit crazy that you think you're expecting, multiply it by a factor of 10 and then at least you will be expecting it." S McQ