Informed W the other day of my intentions to start MC and that she was welcome to come if she wanted. She was unresponsive which has been typical of her throughout this so I became frustrated (as usual) and pressed on when I probably should not have. I reiterated my boundary about OM and this time went further to explain that if she continued down that road, she would not only lose our MR, she would lose our friendship as well. W left and slept in other room after this.
Things were OK the next morning but W left me a note at the end of the day explaining that she had never considered a life without my friendship and that it was not something she would ever choose. This whole exchange did seem to push her away though as in her note she said that she had tried for so long and that maybe she should have gotten the apt. a few months ago as she had planned. Said that we have had no space to see if we would miss each other and that she might move into guest bedroom to start putting some space between us.
This note led to a small, unemotional discussion where she told me that she has felt a burden to take care of things for me for a long time and that it had become a lot for her to bear. I told her that I have always appreciated any help from her (which I always have) but that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and that I don't want her to ever feel that taking care of me is something she needs to do. I almost perceived that she felt relieved to hear me say that but maybe I am mind reading. We went out to for dinner after this and had a really nice conversation about non-R things and she ended up staying in the master bedroom that night.
I have been backsliding my way all the way through December and this is what I have learned:
1. Losing my PMA around the house hurt me (home not as warm as it needs to be)
2. Forays into R talks have been unproductive at best and probably counterproductive
3. I still have serious work to do on me, I had maybe become too content in the changes that I have made to date
4. Maybe, she still values certain aspects of being with me, however, as long as she knows that I am always here for her, she has no real reason to end her A and work on the M
As far as space is concerned, I will give her the space. It is hard for me to know how she may fill that space but hanging onto her is not working. It has been 5 months and I am still effectively at Bomb-day status with the only difference being that I have grown significantly from a personal standpoint. Not once have I become unavailable to her I was reading this weekend and realized that while it creates mystery, it also forces the OM to meet the ENs that I am currently meeting for the W and perhaps he will not be able to.
It is so frustrating to me to know that me and my W have a good foundation to rebuild a M on and that it is hindered by her inability to put the work in at this point. I have to become stronger as a person with or without my W in 2010.
I have two weekend trips (without W) planned for January so it will be a good GAL month for me
I was reading this weekend and realized that while it creates mystery, it also forces the OM to meet the ENs that I am currently meeting for the W and perhaps he will not be able to.
