A Choice

[Coach]

I asked her what she expected from me and she said "No Pressure"...

This is pressure:

I see it in her face that she knows she made a mistake. We are not really talking but when I attack the A as the beast that it is, she just hangs her head down. She never gets defensive, just lowers her head.

So you are seeing remorse and guilt and she feels attacked. That's a lose-lose situation.

[patpat]

So you are seeing remorse and guilt and she feels attacked. That's a lose-lose situation.

please explain "lose-lose"

[C-Bart]

Hi Pat.

What predicated the A? More than likely the house represents the problems you two were having prior to the A. There are several WAW on here that have had affairs and can give you a better understanding of what your W is going through. Dia posted a story about a glass room several months ago that is very en lighting. I'll look and see if I can find it for you.

You may never know what the underlying reasons are for the reaction to the house. But clean or not clean it is a symbol of the old life she was trying to escape. (just a hunch)

[Coach]

So you are seeing remorse and guilt and she feels attacked. That's a lose-lose situation.

please explain "lose-lose"

You lose and your wife loses.

Think win-win.

[patpat]

Think win-win.

Ima thinking it.... now how do I handle this next time....

Not sure what to do. Oh, W told me she loves me. I asked her not to say that anymore. Was that a mistake?

[patpat]

What predicated the A?

There has been some verbal abuse on my part. But it actually goes both ways.

This house thing is new. The first month of separation, she was over all the time. Wanting back rubs, lying around on the couch. This house is painful stuff came after I gave her my boundary, going semi dark, and attacking the A, basically telling her it needs to stop. I don't know what I am doing half the time, but everything tells me that she wants to come back. But, I know that is just my heart telling me that I guess.

Dia posted a story about a glass room several months ago that is very en lighting. I'll look and see if I can find it for you.

I would appreciate that, Thanks

But clean or not clean it is a symbol of the old life she was trying to escape. (just a hunch)

Great insight! You are right, I will remember that.

[sandi2]

W told me that our house is a source of pain for her, and that is why she does not come in sometimes. I asked her what she expected from me and she said "No Pressure"...

What is she really saying?

I have made the house as comfortable as I know to do.... it is clean and neat. She should love that as I was not someone who regularly did house work.... go figure.

Pat, do you mean to tell me that you thought she was literally speaking about the house and how tidy it was or wasn't?

Your W dreads going into your house b/c she does not feel relaxed and she doesn't know when you are going to spring into action and "attack" the A, and it is a source of bad memories for her when you were not talking so nice to her. Didn't you say that she use to feel that you talked rather condesending? Maybe I am thinking about another person, but I think you said something about how you had not always treated her very nice.

Does it make you feel justified when you say things to cause her to hang her head? As a former WAW, I can tell you that you are not making points when you do that. It is not bringing her home one minute faster. She apparently put up with things she was not happy about for a long time.....and now you want this stuff to be over with right now.

My God, how long is this sh!t gonna last.... I just don't want to have to deal with it anymore.

That depends on a lot of things......but mostly it depends upon you. How long are you willing to wait? What is it worth? How valuable is she to you?

[patpat]

do you mean to tell me that you thought she was literally speaking about the house and how tidy it was or wasn't?

No... I have been cleaning the house because I live alnoe now. She use to do it. I use to offer to help her with things but she would always say "I got it". I just though she would like the fact that I was doing these things until she returns.

Your W dreads going into your house b/c she does not feel relaxed and she doesn't know when you are going to spring into action and "attack" the A, and it is a source of bad memories for her when you were not talking so nice to her. Didn't you say that she use to feel that you talked rather condesending? Maybe I am thinking about another person, but I think you said something about how you had not always treated her very nice.

Once again, you are correct. Absolutely. I was not thinking straight. I know how I need to speak to her next time she comes by... Thank you S2

Does it make you feel justified when you say things to cause her to hang her head?

No, it does not. I did not know she was going to hang her head. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her that the A had to stop if she wanted or was thinking about coming home. I just thought I was doing the right thing. I love her. Surprisingly more now than ever before. I never wanted to hurt her feelings (EVER). But it happening. I am mad that I did not see this sooner. I hate myself for allowing my R and my life to get to this point. But I did not attack her to feel justified. I just thought she might go, hey yeah, ya know your right. I'll just move right back in.... I don't know!

Any advice as to how I can turn this part around and make her not feel so [pressured. Also, I told her not to tell me she loved me anymore. Feel bad about that too. How do I turn that around, so that if she feels she needs to say it, she will know it is ok, after I told her not too....

Just full on mistakes these last 3 days.....

How long are you willing to wait?

FOREVER!

What is it worth?

EVERYTHING

How valuable is she to you?

I value her more than the air I breathe. I have dreamt of nothing but her since I was 13 years old. I know nothing else, I desire only her smile, I...

She is everything to me. Choosing to love her, even thru all this, is still the best choice I have ever made.

[C-Bart]

Here is the story I mentioned from Dia:

Imagine that you're in a closed room and the oxygen is slowly being sucked out. At first, you carry on with your life and you don't even notice. Then something seems subtly off, but most likely, you think it's you - you haven't been getting enough sleep, you're stressed, you need a vacation, something like that. As the precious oxygen drops lower and lower, everything becomes a struggle and an act of will. You start tapping on the windows to get someone's attention, but no one listens. "Hey, I can't breathe. I think there's a problem in here."

Joy, happiness, hope, optimism -- they're all being sucked out of you just like the air. Every movement feels like pushing through molasses and you're breathing in deep, ragged gasps. You may even pound on the doors screaming and crying for more air, just a little more... please...

Eventually, you sink to the floor in utter defeat, weakly saying goodbye to your spouse, your life, your children, because you know you're dying and no one cares. No one will help you. You're too weak even to cry.

Then just before your eyes close, someone slips a hose under the door and there's this thin trickle of pure, sweet O2. You're in disbelief for the first few breaths. Am I hallucinating? Is this real?? Someone is finally giving me what I need to live? A few more breaths and maybe you can push up from the floor. Another few and maybe you can even stand. You walk around, touch the walls but there's still no air in the rest of the room - so you have to go back to the hose.

Sometimes, maybe not for everybody, the hose begins to whisper.

"Breathe deeper. It's here for you."

"HE put you in here (your spouse). He's the one starving you for air."

"I can get you out. I can take care of you."

"I'll give you all the air you want for the rest of your life. All you have to do is open the door..."

You look back at your spouse, but the windows are thick, soundproof glass. He didn't hear you begging and pleading for air. He didn't seem to notice when you slumped to the floor half-dead. Or maybe he did. Maybe he was on the other side of the window telling you everything was fine; that the lack of air was all in your head. And maybe he even got mad at you for needing to breathe in the first place.

So you listen to the hose some more.

If you stay in the room, you'll die without the hose.

If you leave the room, you have to give up your life and leave your spouse behind.

How long will you let yourself gasp for air in the vacuum box before you give in and take the only thing promising you life?


The oxygen, of course, is love, and that's what it's like to get sucked into an affair.

[patpat]

Thank CB

I will digest that and let you know How I feel about it....

It is real to be sure... but part of it hits me a bit odd. As soon as I get a finger on it, I'll get back to you....