Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

MO3, Gardener, Coach - Thank you all for coming and checking in on me - He finally responded as well as agreed to all of my terms. (((Hugs)))

Long (very long) Journaling ~

Christmas well I wish I could have avoided the day...It started with the little one becoming upset because "Santa" didn't bring him what he asked for - Which was his Dad to be home....He was upset most of the day and by the end of the night, I was in tears as well. H never called the little one - He did call the oldest one and little one happened to hear them talking so H was kind enough to speak to him for about 45 seconds.

While speaking to him, H did the one thing I asked him not to do which was tell S he was coming to pick him up tomorrow. (Things change, people disappoint so I didn't want S to know until H was in the driveway) So I got on the phone to say something to H and he in turned said "Hello", I replied with "Hello" and then he hung up.

By the end of Christmas night, my faith was gone...

I was done praying, done going to Church, done seeking something I could not find. I could no longer "feel" God near me and at that moment in time, I didn't care...

I feel like I have been running in circles for the last 10 months and there is no end in sight.

I got up and got ready for Church on Sunday, decided I wasn't going to go however my Mom told me I needed to go. So I went...

I was about 10 minutes late...

For the first time in about a month I went up during Altar Call, my Pastor came down and knelt with me to pray...

I told him about the custody battle that seems to be looming on the horizon, I told him I no longer "felt" God near me...

I broke down and cried as he prayed...

As he held my hand, I looked into his face and saw what can only be described as what people see in my face when they look at
me - Pain...

Pain etched across his face, love shining through, compassion in his eyes, sorrow reflecting back at me...

As we were kneeling there on our knees, head to head, I "felt" Him...

I knew what I was seeing on my Pastor's face was a reflection of what He is feeling for me...

He knew I was struggling and doubting and fearing...

He used the only man I trust 100% to show me He understood, to show me He was right there, to show me He wasn't going anywhere.

He knows how I feel each morning I get up...

He knows I feel like I am headed to a battle each and everyday. I wait for the other shoe to drop, I expect nothing but heartache, I have come to expect to be treated this way by anyone who crosses my path.

Because I gave someone 100% of me, I expected the same in return.

I loved with my whole heart and didn't get that in return.

I trusted with my whole being and didn't get that in return.

Slowly my beliefs have changed over the last few months.

I believe I deserve better then this, I believe my boys deserve better then this, I believe I don't want to go into a New Year with all this hanging over me. I don't want to live in limbo anymore. I don't want to married to a man who would show so much hate and disrespect to the one he proclaimed his love to.

Regardless of the "fog" or the "pea" chemicals, there is no excuse period.

My MIL called me last night...She was at my SIL's house for the holidays...Seems SIL spoke to H who was kind enough to inform her that he has finally realized that he has "never, ever" loved me...He also told his family he had spent part of Christmas with the boys - Which he did not.

That right there shows me my H isn't right in his head.

The man he has become is someone I no longer know nor do I want to know. He has become a sick man who is morally bankrupt and if I never had to hear from him from this day forward, I would be just fine.

This storm isn't going to get better until I step out from under it.

An email I received this morning started with these words -

"...and be content with what you have, because God has said,"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

That is all I need to believe in.