Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Greek]

All,

Did I do the right thing in exposing the A to W family?

Makes no diff now. It's done. Let it shake out.

I can tell that things are crumbling around her, but not sure of what I should do next.

Block her text messages.
Let her phone calls go to voice mail.
Print up all her email going forward and put them in a folder.

You need to be All Business with the her from this point on. She has shown you ALL of her cards, SD. Stop, stop, stop messing around with this little girl and go to the mattresses with her (a little Godfather lingo there). For God's sake stop playing her game. She is getting such a charge out of sending you these sh!tty texts. Ruin her fun and do NOT take them anymore. Wait - are you paying her phone bill? Is she on YOUR plan? If so, drop her line. Really? You want to PAY for someone to abuse you on a line you pay for? RUIN HER FUN!

Greek

[TrentC]

I didn't mean/want the exposure to damage their relationships, but the effect has been just that. The family is religious, and doesn't believe in stepping outside of the M.

What did you expect to happen when you exposed the affair?

[Gnosis]

Responding to the myriad of replies...

One other thought.....
I'm thinking it is possible that W is sending those texts from S's phone. They sound an awful lot like her, and not a lot like what I would expect from a 15 year old. Things are not always what they seem. What better method to drive a wedge between you and your son?

Jeff, ordinarily I'd tend to agree with you, in this case I don't. S15 wanted to go home "to sleep in his own bed" (that mommy made for him). He did not want to be with SD because his mind has been poisoned. As sick as this is, he is on the witch's side and is under her spell... therefore, (and like a good little zombie) he'll mimic her thoughts and words.

I don't think you should cut your S off. Unlike your W, he didn't choose this any more than you. And mentally, he is nowhere near being equipped to handle this.

I didn't say cut him off completely. I said go "no contact" with him (and meant electronically) because... anything you say or do will be used against you. This sounds harsh, but your pursuing him will only make you look weaker, cause him to reject you more and will have him running back to mommy.

Yes, there is a risk that he may think you rejected him. However, you can counter that by telling S12 that you still love S15 dearly and explain to the younger one that S15 is hurt and confused. ---- the message WILL get back to him.

I think it's time to have a serious heart-to-heart w/S15. You need to explain in "only enough" info that he needs to have, that you didn't want the break-up of your family, and that his Mom's involvement w/other men is breaking the marital covenant.

I agree with this. As soon as possible. Do not do it electronically. Must be done face to face. And you tell him that he should not take sides. This is between yourself and his mother. Tell him that you're proud of him that he wants to protect her. Then remind him that a man gathers all the information at hand and makes an unbiased decision.

G - I disagree w/the non-contact. He is his son. He is a child. He just needs to make sure son understands he's not trying to hurt anyone, just do what's right for his family.

See above M.

SD - G is brilliant, so you have two differing opinions.

No, I'm not. Just objective... and not too much of that lately as I'm going through my own little crisis.

I just hope that I can get to him soon enough to repair the damage she has inflicted on him.

She has had months to brainwash him. There is not much you can do against it in the few days that you have had.

I understand about her Family. the thing is, she has been lying to them about me, and it was important to me to set them straight, so that I wasn't the monster she made me out to be to them. They are all in my corner, and think her behavior is horrible.

You may have wanted to get a little revenge here, but I also see the part where you wanted to clear your name. A man's good name is just as important as his honor in my books.

You have cleared your name. The truth is out, regardless of the intent behind it. Now you have to let it go. They will deal with her accordingly... what I was trying to say earlier is that they will have very little power to influence her or bring her back to her senses. And over time, them being Christians, they will forgive her and take her back into the fold. So be wary here. At the height of emotions (like now) they will react with indignation, outrage etc... but later on they may take her side. Blood is thicker than water. Just giving you a heads up on that -- it's human nature. Nothing you can do about it.

Any suggestions on what to do once I get back? I will continue to speak to my boys-not sure of S15 though.

Yes, continue contact with your children. Ensure that you get some kind of legal backing with respect to time of contact, and act swiftly if she tries to deny you this. Once you get back you watch your back and take care of yourself so that you can return to your boys in one piece. Let your L handle the rest.

Did I do the right thing in exposing the A to W family?

Yes, because:

I feel much better clearing my name and reputation inside of her family.

As repeated above... A good name and standing in the community is just as important as "strength and honor." That's something that my father taught me when I was young.

[givingitmyall]

G,

I think we are saying the same thing. I'm not suggesting SD pursue hiis S15. What I am saying is SD should give S15 room but leave the door open once his S15 finally figures out the truth - and he will.

[MichelleLT]

I can't add much as you've already gotten a ton of advice, just wanted to say hang in there. Keep taking it one day at a time.

Sorry your S is having such a rough time of it. I can't even imaging how horrible and confusing it would be to be in his shoes. I feel so bad for him to be trapped in the middle.

[mindfull]

SD - How are you???

[SoldierDad]

Ok, I am in Germany - headed back to my station. I have so much to tell and so much advice needed. Bottom line is: W told me she wants to work through this. I am going to need much help in the coming days/weeks/months. I am cautiously optimistic about it all.

We talked all night the night before I left, as well as about 6 hours the day I left.

I have so much going through my mind, I am going to need help processing it all.

I will be back on ASAP. I have alot to do once I get back to work, but will definately need all of your help/advice/wisdom as I work through these murky waters.

[goldeylox]

SD-Happy New Year and glad you made it back safely.
I wanted to share with you something that happened to me last week w/ S16.
I was sitting in my Pastor's office, explaining how afraid I was of making the wrong move.
What if I can't fix this?
What if S16 decides to run away from home, or start using drugs?
What if I get hit by a bus?
And my Pastor sat there and listened.
I told him how I was afraid I would 'lose' my kids.
And he replied, "They were never yours to begin with Goldey".
SD, you're going to get through this.
Peace. Goldey

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, I am in Germany - headed back to my station. I have so much to tell and so much advice needed. Bottom line is: W told me she wants to work through this. I am going to need much help in the coming days/weeks/months. I am cautiously optimistic about it all.

We talked all night the night before I left, as well as about 6 hours the day I left.

I have so much going through my mind, I am going to need help processing it all.

I will be back on ASAP. I have alot to do once I get back to work, but will definately need all of your help/advice/wisdom as I work through these murky waters.

WARNING, Will Robinson!

[soleil]

Wishing you a safe and good trip, Soldier Dad & a happy new year. We'll be waiting for your update.