Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

I love this site. It's been a lifeline. But since everyone has an opinion it can be very confusing.

Lots of people say don't snoop -- it puts the focus on the S and not on improving yourself.

Others say bust the A -- even if that means putting your mental time and financial resources on spying on your S.

When I have snooped, I've felt great when I didn't find anything, but then go into a tailspin when I find any little thing. I end up spending the next few days going over everything in my mind and jumping to the worst conclusion.

There's lots of advice on improving yourself and using every opportunity to shine in their presence.

Then there's lots of advice on setting hard boundaries and being unavailable.

Look, as I see it, my M is over. There's been nothing in her actions -- even the invitations for Christmas -- to lead me to believe there's any special feelings left for me.

Remember, it's now really been three years since she felt that. Things changed for some reason in January of 2007 right after she turned 35 and went on and then off some hormone pills to improve her sex drive, got passed over for a promotion again and D7 was kicked out of her private school kindergarten for the ADHD.

December of 2006 was perhaps the best month we'd had since newlyweds in terms of ML, so it was a real shock and I didn't handle things well because my 20 year reunion was coming up and I went through a mini MLC of my own. I was making lots of calls to old classmates, including a couple of old crushes. I don't know what she thought about this because I didn't ask and didn't care at the time. And then as the dryspell in the bedroom got worse, I got more emotional. I'd be super husband for three weeks and then an ass for one when it didn't work.

What I'm trying to focus on today is that I can't end the marriage right now. I don't have the money yet. I will in February when we get our tax return back. I'm going to use my half to finish up saving for the retainer and then pay off debt.

It's taken me these seven months to finally get what she's been telling me. There's nothing there in her heart.

In the meantime, she's signed up D10 for another play and is on the costume committee. That means about 98 percent of her non-work time will be spent on costumes. It's been her escape the past three years.

Rather than putting my whole focus on W, I'd rather be strong enough to focus on me -- improving myself financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.