Hope and heartache

[Steve McQueen]

A couple people have said I could simply tell her I'm moving home in January, but to be prepared to start WWIII and end any chance of an R or an M by doing so.

Do you honestly think that by living separated you are improving the chances of reconciling your marriage?

7 months apart. Wife "does not see us as married now." Sitting back doing nothing while some other guy moves in on your wife doesnt help your situation either. You are going to be viewed as weak, gay or perverted. None of which seem as attractive as a guy on a motorcycle.

[C-Bart]

Nothing and everything. She hasn't nagged me about money -- especially lately. She hasn't nagged me about time off work for kids since we had a blowout about it in October I think. I'd have to look it up.

A couple people have said I could simply tell her I'm moving home in January, but to be prepared to start WWIII and end any chance of an R or an M by doing so.

Actually my W filed back in March of 2009. We have been through 2 rounds of mediation and are as close as you can be to getting the big D. We have a court date scheduled for the second week of January.

Interesting enough everything that has happened with the D proceedings sense March has been because I pushed it. She doesn't do anything unless she gets mad at me or we have a disagreement. Talk about holding a gun to someones head.

In the mean time she gets to have her family, best friend, and freedom to come and go as she pleases. All the good with none of the commitment. I've tried to walk away but she has a way of pulling me back. That stops today.

[mishka422]

Yes. Once an ADHD kid loses it, they lose it. Kicking, punching, screaming, biting. It's why D7 is in her fifth school in four years and helped up the tension level at the (old) house.

Um, not to push any buttons, but have you had her tested yet for other behavioral or mental issues? Which ADHD med is she on? I can tell you that my son was on Adderall and it made him very angry and mean and he would blow up and have a meltdown every other day or so. We found that he had a bad reaction to the active ingredient in Adderall so we switched him to Concerta and he has been 100% better. No more meltdowns. There is a wonderful drug that we had him on before he outgrew it called Daytrana. It is a patch that you put on in the morning. No pill to swallow and since it's transdermal it delivers the extended dose much better than an XR capsule. It is the same active ingredient as Concerta.

Just my experience. You might want to bring it up to her doctor.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, we had her on medication for a while, but have pulled her off of it because she's made tremendous progress this year. That sounds strange but she is doing much better this year.

Steve McQueen. The marriage has been on the rocks for three years. In February and March, I made the "heroic" decision to move out for the good of the kids. I wanted their lives to not change too drastically.

That was a mistake. But wouldn't just moving back in have major repercussions on the girls? They'd get their hopes up that we are getting back together only to find out it's a power play on my part and only going to lead to a D.

I also laid out everything I know to you and Gucci. Every where I've read on these sites people in a EA and PA can't get enough of each other. Frequent texts, frequent calls, lots of messages. I didn't see any of that.

I'm not against the suggestions, I'm just not convinced yet.

[ClingingToHope]

Do you honestly think that by living separated you are improving the chances of reconciling your marriage?

I thought the major tenant behind DBing was to make her miss you? Wouldn't moving back in just throw all of the work of the past seven months out the window?

[C-Bart]

So allow me to be an AH and I say this only because you seem to be acting just like me. Regardless of location you have the same relation ship with you W. She gets act and do whatever she wants and you get to "pay" for it. You are being a wimp, just like me.

[Gardener]

CTH,

Mishka, we had her on medication for a while, but have pulled her off of it because she's made tremendous progress this year. That sounds strange but she is doing much better this year.

That's great. But to improve her progress, do some googling. There are some excellent studies and results pointing to diet and natural supplements in treatment. Just like with depression and other maladies, kids/people with ADD/ADHD are not suffering because their brains/bodies are deficient in certain pharmaceuticals but, rather, often deficient in certain vitamins, amino acids, minerals, etc.
You might want to start with The Life Extension Foundation (www.lef.org) and do some searching. They are the best, oldest leading-edge nutritional pioneers and researchers. Their studies and findings got me off depression meds with simple, affordable amino acid supplements, fwiw.

[ClingingToHope]

I love this site. It's been a lifeline. But since everyone has an opinion it can be very confusing.

Lots of people say don't snoop -- it puts the focus on the S and not on improving yourself.

Others say bust the A -- even if that means putting your mental time and financial resources on spying on your S.

When I have snooped, I've felt great when I didn't find anything, but then go into a tailspin when I find any little thing. I end up spending the next few days going over everything in my mind and jumping to the worst conclusion.

There's lots of advice on improving yourself and using every opportunity to shine in their presence.

Then there's lots of advice on setting hard boundaries and being unavailable.

Look, as I see it, my M is over. There's been nothing in her actions -- even the invitations for Christmas -- to lead me to believe there's any special feelings left for me.

Remember, it's now really been three years since she felt that. Things changed for some reason in January of 2007 right after she turned 35 and went on and then off some hormone pills to improve her sex drive, got passed over for a promotion again and D7 was kicked out of her private school kindergarten for the ADHD.

December of 2006 was perhaps the best month we'd had since newlyweds in terms of ML, so it was a real shock and I didn't handle things well because my 20 year reunion was coming up and I went through a mini MLC of my own. I was making lots of calls to old classmates, including a couple of old crushes. I don't know what she thought about this because I didn't ask and didn't care at the time. And then as the dryspell in the bedroom got worse, I got more emotional. I'd be super husband for three weeks and then an ass for one when it didn't work.

What I'm trying to focus on today is that I can't end the marriage right now. I don't have the money yet. I will in February when we get our tax return back. I'm going to use my half to finish up saving for the retainer and then pay off debt.

It's taken me these seven months to finally get what she's been telling me. There's nothing there in her heart.

In the meantime, she's signed up D10 for another play and is on the costume committee. That means about 98 percent of her non-work time will be spent on costumes. It's been her escape the past three years.

Rather than putting my whole focus on W, I'd rather be strong enough to focus on me -- improving myself financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

[Steve McQueen]

no point in arguing with you, but realize

As heroic a gesture you think it was, you have only shown the courts and your children that spending as much of your life as possible with them wasn't the most important thing to you. I'd move back home just to spend more time with your childen. Ignoring your wife is easy; 10 years down the road hearing stories from their childhood and thinking 'I didnt know about that' is not. If they even give you that amount of time then.

And affairs arent textbook. They take on all shapes and sizes. Whats going on with Curly, Larry and Moe's wives over in Newcomers isnt how the guy next door is carrying on with his secretary. Sometimes a piece on the side that you only see every once in a while is the best. No need to get complicated, divulge to much, meet the kids; No need wake up next to eachother, share secrets, less chance of getting caught; Just good times, easy sex and whateva

sorry, if i come off as crass. sometimes i think it is best that people see the other side of the story.

Have a plan. It doesnt seem like you have a plan.

[C-Bart]

Rather than putting my whole focus on W, I'd rather be strong enough to focus on me -- improving myself financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Perfect. Now do a search for no more mr nice guy and take the quiz. May or not be good for you but it did open my eyes to issues that have been with me my entire life.

Now I'm hauling my ample backside to the gym.