The kids are aware of the status between mom and dad but I do noth think they really understand what that means (not yet anyway). I do not think they know she is dating another man. She is being cautious (I think) becuase she knows that will impact them...I give her some credit for this.
I do not know to much about the OM. I know they use to work together (she was his boss), he is 11 years younger and has been divorced (no kids...I think). A couple of weeks ago I made the mistake of talking about him with her...I was really upset. She told me he is attentive and sweet to her and is exactly what she needs after the roller coaster ride we were on.
One other thing that has really been bothering me is that my parents and her are not on speaking terms. My parents do not want to speak with her becuase of what she has done. She gets very upset/mad when they are around, especially when I have to shuttle the kids around to keep them away from one another. She thinks I am bad mouthing her to make her look bad while at the same time manipulating the situation to make myself look like the innocent vicitim. I have told her this is not the case and that I have taken responsibility for all of my bad actions during the M as well (she does not beleive this). I told her if this was a "normal" divorce" things would be different but my parents cannot overlook the A and OM...she does not seem to get this. Anyway, this situation has cuased more negative feelings over the past couple of weeks which has not helped things.
My mom had the opportunity to dispell the thoughts my wife was having about my mother and thinking that my mother hated my W. Just the opposite was true and my mother told her that when she saw my wife a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how your parents actually feel about your wife but if they could communicate to her that they have the kids best interest at heart and that she will always be their mother and no matter what happens they will always have a R with and they want it to be good, it will help your overall situation. It did with mine. Your parents are probably reacting to you and how unhappy you are that your W had an A and is doing all this. This is tough what I am about to say and again I am having to do the exact same thing right now, so I am saying it to myself also. Stop talking about it, except here. You have to Act-as-if with everyone otherwise it does not work. You have to act like her being with the OM is no big deal even though it is killing you. It is hard and it is a head game I play with myself but I find acceptance is a big part of it. I have my DB coaching session right now and will come back in an hour.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I know what you are saying about the mom and dad thing but they really despise her for what she has done. They tell me I am being to understadning. My parents live out on town so this is an infrequent occurrence but I do think not having some kind of R with one another will be more harmful than good, especially for the kids. If the W was willing to do something simple like say I am sorry, that would help. However, I do not think she believes she is doing anything worng.
I do not know to much about the OM. I know they use to work together (she was his boss), he is 11 years younger and has been divorced (no kids...I think). A couple of weeks ago I made the mistake of talking about him with her...I was really upset. She told me he is attentive and sweet to her and is exactly what she needs after the roller coaster ride we were on.
You need to be better than him, you need to find out what else it is that she likes about him. I don't mean that from a perspective of snooping to confront her on all his faults but what are you up against. You are in a competition for your wife, it sucks but that is where you are at. You have to show her that you are better at being attentive and sweet. I just finished "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I highly suggest this it is a short read and you should be able to identify her "love language" and start speaking it to her. It was very eye openning for me.
I think you can still save your marriage, you got to believe that or you are wasting your time. Saving your marriage is what is best for your kids. You would probably do anything for your kids wouldn't you? I know I would and I am, people say all the time that they would die for thier kids but they won't suck up their pride when thier spouse has been unfaithful or leaves the marriage. That's the way I look at it, I am doing this for the kids, and my W. I hope to look back at this one day and say I did more than most people would do for their kids or spouses.
I think you got 2 things going for you right now that are positives in your sitch. 1. Your W has not told the kids about OM. Why? Is she embarrassed? Knows that it is morally wrong what she is doing? Doesn't want to hurt the kids? What matters is she is hesitating and that means she at least is not totally comfortable with her decisions. 2. The divorce process has slowed down for you, she is doing it herself right? I think this communicates again that she is unsure about the decisions she is making. You have to stop giving reasons to move forward on either one of these issues. Your kids already have a great father in their lives and as long as she believes that she will not feel the need to introduce OM to them. Also don't inquire about nor help with the divorce paperwork or anything else having to do with it. That is her decision, let her deal with it. When I get discouraged I hang out in the success stories forum and read there. I especially like Die Hard's story, it inspires me. here is the link http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=1&fpart=1
I hope your day gets better.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Again, I know what you are saying but it is hard to be sweet or attentive when I never see her. I am not going to let her have the best of both worlds for my own well being. For a while I was very positve and care-free when I was around her. I guess I need to decide if I want to continue the battle. At some point time you have to draw the line and say "do I really want to be married to someone like this".
I am guessing right now she does not want my attention anyway; plus I am afraid I will come across as a floor mat.
I have been thiking about all of this stuff and am uncertain what to do. I have been DB'ing on and off for about a year and half. We have been seperated for about 6 months and our R has never been worse; the W has a boyfriend and the way she has handled herself has caused massive resenment. I feel like she has moved on but I have not. I cannot move on while trying to be friends with her. I can be friendly but that is about it. I need to protect myself. Is it possible to DB while moving on?
Some say DBing really is moving on. Detach, work on yourself, let go of the old relationship.
I have the same problems. I keep thinking the ultimate goal of DBing is to win W back.
The whole Christmas thing is incredibly hard. My story was exactly opposite of yours. I expected to see W almost not at all on Christmas. I got them on Christmas Eve and she got them for Christmas and was going to bring them by my apartment that night.
She ended up inviting me to come over while they opened presents. Then she asked me to her mom's house for Christmas dinner.
We were together seven hours, the most we've been since we separated.
The next day, I felt like a drug addict on withdrawal and I've had an extremely rough few days since.
We are about at the same place. I've been out 7 1/2 months. The next big thing for me is February when I finally have enough saved for a retainer ($2,500). At that point, I have decisions to make.
Right now, I'm trying to just focus on each day and improve myself physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually.
Focus on today, today, today. Something good might happen.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I think that depends on what you consider "moving on" to be for you. Moving on for your W is obviously establishing a new R with OM. For you moving on may be acceptance of the sitch as painful as it may be and trying to find some peace in that. It does not have to mean that you need to get out there and meet someone new and establish a new R just b/c your W did.
IMHO, you can be friendly with her and still DB. I read so many threads here where the LBS has to harbor so much ill will for their WAS and I don't know that is the key to DBing. I have read DB, DR, and the Bilble and I think the key to mending any R that is broken is loving the person despite the pain they have cause us. "Hate the sin, Love the Sinner", I am already seeing positive responses in my W since I have been showing her love (friendship) instead of the cold shoulder. It is confusing to her b/c she knows what she did/is doing is wrong but yet this person (me) still likes her. I am starting to see the walls come down, I am thinking the remorse, guilt, sorry will follow in time but until then patience and consistency is the role we have to play.
I don't pretend to know what to do b/c I am doing all this at the same time also and I know others (maybe many) will disagree with my approach but if what you are currently doing is not working, try something else. What do you have to lose? FWIW I hope this helps or at least gives you another option.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
This is all good stuff and maybe I need to re-think things.
A couple of weeks ago she picked up the kids on a Friday and asked if I wanted to go. I said no becuase I had plans (which was untrue). I think she would perfer that I still go becuase it is nice for her...she gets the best of both worlds, and I am not willing to give her that. However, I have agreed to go out to dinner with them (her and the kids) over the last couple of months becuase I thought I was in a better place than I really am. The OM factor was out of mind. The dinners together always bring a certain level of comfort.
I know for new years eve she is taking out the kids to dinner and I am sure I could go if I wanted to. I would probably have to invite myself since she knows how I feel about things but since it is a special day I am thinking about it. What do you guys think?
In any case, moving on for me is keeping her away as much as possible to minimize the pain and to let go. I want to take the high road and "hate the sin, but love the sinner" so for now I am going to stick with my new approach and really minimize contact, but try to be consistant and her friend as best as possible
Clingingtohope...I did take your advice and told the W we need to change the way things are between her and my parents for the sake of the kids. No response yet.
