PDT, the boundry I laid down was end the A with no contact or I will expose it. I have no intel to credibly execute the stick. (even though I have looked.) So I can't gain her respect by doing it anyway. Right?
I am thinking about establishing another boundry regarding her need for IC. Her depression relates to how her previous marriage ended in suicide. She continues to grief him. She has idealized him and carries this image in her head. Of course, I can never, never live up to that illusion. Really, she is emotionally involved whith the idea. So in a sense I am dealing with EA with a dead man."I feel that I and our children have been hurt by your behaviour. You must get qualified IC or I will insist you ________."
I have heard you and Coach discuss the two step process, break the A and work on the marriage. For me, I think there is a third step. She has to come to terms with her depression. I think this is a part of showing her that I am a true friend. She really wants to keep her depression under wraps.
She is convinced that she is doing a good job of fooling everyone. She manages and controls who knows what to avoid dealing with what is going on.
PDT, the boundry I laid down was end the A with no contact or I will expose it. I have no intel to credibly execute the stick. (even though I have looked.) So I can't gain her respect by doing it anyway. Right?
Refresh my memory: what evidence do you have since the beginning?
What methods of intel gathering have you attempted in the last 30 days?
Here's your problem, Wonderful: you can't lay out a boundary, and not be willing to enforce it. And if your boundary is contingent upon having proof, and you're doing nothing to gather it, than it is a toothless boundary at best, and a mockery at worst.
I have reviewed emails, facebook(she doen't know this one), webrowser, and telephone. I have also kept sureptitious tabs on her whereabouts. In the last couple of weeks she hasn't had any opportunities to see him. If I even suspected contact(and my eyes are wide open now) I would have exposed it. I have no fear of doing so and she knows it. Also, there is her behavior. She is miserable. If she was seeing him, she would be much, much happier.
Ok. So what do I do here? How do I take control over the marriage? She still doen't want to work on MR. She wants to sell the house and live seperately so she can work on her own issues(So she says). Interesting, that our S cannot be put on a strict timeline in her fantasy land, isn't it? She is in that withdrawal stage that you told me about. She's basically wacko. I expect, perhaps unrealistically, her to come through the withdrawal and then start to show some intestest in our M. I mean, she lost interest in working on our M at preciely the same time she got involved with OM. Of course, she may simply resume the A.
You have made it known you want it to work. She knows that.
If she doesn't want to do that and wants to separate, let her go without a fight. Be very calm about this entire thing. Work on YOU. Do something that YOU like.
Yes, you definitely can handle it eventhough it hurts like hell and the emotions are like a roller coaster ride, the more you start doing for yourself and taking care of yourself, you will feel soooooo much better and everything will reflect that.
I have reviewed emails, facebook(she doen't know this one), webrowser, and telephone. I have also kept sureptitious tabs on her whereabouts. In the last couple of weeks she hasn't had any opportunities to see him. If I even suspected contact(and my eyes are wide open now) I would have exposed it. I have no fear of doing so and she knows it. Also, there is her behavior. She is miserable. If she was seeing him, she would be much, much happier.
I tend to agree. "GOOD = BAD" and vice-versa at this point, regarding her moods. She's most likely in withdrawal, and there's not much you can do during this time if she doesn't express a willingness to work on the marriage.
If she maintains NC, she will slowly begin to come out of this funk in the next few weeks, although it's going to take months before she's completely over the addiction. And if she re-initiates (or allows) and contact with him, her "clock" is going to reset to 0:00.
Well, PDT, is it fairly typical for the infidel to not want to work on the M while in the withdrawal phase?
I guess my focus should be GAL and 180s. I think I should articulate my 180s, focus on healing, and read The Art of Seduction.
I do think I need to set a boundry about the disprespectful way she talks to me. There have been a couple of instances where she used an angry tone toward me in front of the kids. She is testing me. Both times I calmly told her that "I deserve to be talked to better particullarly in front of the kids." I think I need to restate this to her in boundry form. I should likely do this when she is off-guard. Good idea?
