"You want to make it all okay? Why now? For the longest amount of time you wanted to leave me and on top of that you've been having an affair. Did you think I would just sit here like a dumb ass and wait for you to come to your senses? You disrespect me & my life so much that you think I would just wait like an idiot till you were done having sex with the other man? What do you plan on doing to make things ALL OK? Starting tonight what is the first thing you're going to do to show me you're going to make things all OK?"
It's been kinda warm -she has hugged me, kissed me, couple of ILY's and calling. Had a decent Christmas day, I could tell she was a little uncomfortable @ her MIL and SIL but it was okay. So I went into the what are you gonna do?
She said "I'm doing it. I know you'd like me to jump right back in like nothing happened and I'm trying"
I said " No, I want you here because you want to be here. Jumping back into it -yes I feel like there should be some great make up sex, a romantic dinner, more sex just like we used to. The only change would be tommorrow we need to have a serious discussion about what comes next."
Her " What do you mean?"
I said " Your expectations and mine- I don't like this wait around to see what happens - we need to talk about us, and let it be about us for awhile. I ain't into this " I'm here and can we just see what happens"
Her " I don't know why your so intense"
I said " You walked out on this marriage for 6 mos., one day of forgiving and tears doesn't fix it - I want it fixed if it can be but it won't do anything but get worse if we ignore how we got here."
Her " I'm listening but I don't know what's wrong with watching to see what happens."
I said "I'm going to work out!" and left.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Her " I'm listening but I don't know what's wrong with watching to see what happens."
There's nothing wrong with that if you want things to stay the same.
Doing nothing means she doesn't want to do what it takes to fix this problem, she wants to control you and keep you in your place because she is used to controlling you and she is used to making these decisions, let her know that you know this now and let her know that you won't let that happen anymore.
She either puts in 100% effort into doing what it takes to fix these problems or she puts 100% effort into getting a divorce and moving out. The choice is hers, let her know it.
Nobody is expecting that the problem will fix itself overnight but it won't get fixed by doing nothing and "waiting and seeing".
As someone who has putting a M back together for going on a year now, I can tell you that your W's supposition that y'all will just "see what happens" is not going to cut it. She may be assuming with that statement that since everyone is agreeing to stay in the marriage, it will either work or not work...we'll just see what happens...maybe 'it' will work." That's a bit like having a child, feeding, clothing and physically protecting it, without RAISING it...to see what happens. Well, you know what happens and I can tell you that her plan has a major flaw.
RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE ATTENTION TO DETAIL AND CONSTANT CARE TO NURTURE.
Sitting back, as a spectator, to see what happens is a recipe for disaster. I can tell you that Coach and I work every day on our R. We have to attend to each other's LL, we have to actively listen, we have to consult, we have to share, we have to make time for each other...all before LUNCH! Then there is the rest of the day! We had to first KNOW where we screwed up and then take steps not to repeat. And then when we make a mistake, we have to be aware of where the misstep was so as not to take it again.
There is no way - NO WAY - I could have moved home and just b/c I was there and he was there, make it work. Just as an example, I literally read EVERY self-help, relationship book he read while we were separated just so I could get a handle on his growth! My own initiative to do it and b/c I recognized that clawing our way out of the hole we dug as a couple would be work. Add to that the infidelities that y'all have to deal with (we didn't, thanks God) and you have your work cut out for you!
Do not support her fantasy that y'all can take the easy route and "see what happens." Do that and I'll tell you what happens. You'll be back on these boards in 6mos to a year. You're going to have to lead on this. She wants an easy button. Make her put on her BGP and do The Work.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I had asked her to go out a couple of times this weeek. No answer was given, so after my second work out here at the house, I got ready and walked out the door. She ran after me and I told her U don't wanna go but I do. Of course she wanted to know who was going and who I was going to meet.
She did call a couple of times while I was gone, than she wanted to know when I got home - i guess she didn't see or hear me come in but it was 6:30p - not late by any stretch.I thought it was perfect timing to begin the "work on it" discussion.
I said " W here it is plain and simple - You F*d around on me, put the marriage on hold than in the throws of divorce, I forgive you for that. I need to start the repairing process. I am not going thru everyday struggling with my marital status. I cannot and will not live here and basically co parent our children for the rest of my life. I want to live and love and laugh again. I want it to be you but if you won't recognize the fact that we have to work everyday on things than it won't work.This just isn't about you, I am reaching out to you AGAIN to tell you to start getting it right or get out"
She said - " What am I doing? I'm not mean, I'm not rude, if this is about sex you know I am struggling with that right now"
I Said " It's not just S, it's intimacy, it's affection, it's friendship, it's mommy & daddy time, it's the little things couples do that make the little problems go away or never show up. Let me ask You - are you still talking to OM?"
She said " I have"
I said " Get out - I am tired of it, I was tired of it - good luck to you."
She said " I'm not leaving - I'm not doing anything wrong, I told you i cared and that I was struggling with that also, why can't you understand that I am F*d up right now and I am trying"
I said " " You told me you didn't talk to your family @ the sitch because you didn't want them in your biz. Well maybe you should have becase they wouldn't have tried to use it to get you in bed. You allowed that to happen it has affected your marriage, you know how i feel about you talking to OM and you still do it. I agree with you YOU ARE F*D Up -goodnite"
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
I had asked her to go out a couple of times this weeek. No answer was given, so after my second work out here at the house, I got ready and walked out the door. She ran after me and I told her U don't wanna go but I do.
Well done. You asked her out b/c you also wanted to do something. She didn't - you still did - you went out. Nicely done.
Quote:
I said " W here it is plain and simple - You F*d around on me, put the marriage on hold than in the throws of divorce, I forgive you for that. I need to start the repairing process. I am not going thru everyday struggling with my marital status. I cannot and will not live here and basically co parent our children for the rest of my life. I want to live and love and laugh again. I want it to be you but if you won't recognize the fact that we have to work everyday on things than it won't work.This just isn't about you, I am reaching out to you AGAIN to tell you to start getting it right or get out"
Boundary. Good.
Quote:
She said - " What am I doing? I'm not mean, I'm not rude, if this is about sex you know I am struggling with that right now"
I Said " It's not just S, it's intimacy, it's affection, it's friendship, it's mommy & daddy time, it's the little things couples do that make the little problems go away or never show up. Let me ask You - are you still talking to OM?"
She said " I have"
I said " Get out - I am tired of it, I was tired of it - good luck to you."
She said " I'm not leaving - I'm not doing anything wrong, I told you i cared and that I was struggling with that also, why can't you understand that I am F*d up right now and I am trying"
OB to W: "I can understand that you are f*d up. I'm sorry you are having difficulties in your life. I do not see you trying - I only hear you saying you will. I told you what contact with OM would result in. You have two weeks to find a place and move."
Nothing more to say. She is making her choice. You are enforcing your boundary out of respect for YOURSELF.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
threatening divorce right before christmas is not the most effective way to save your marriage. your new years resolution should be to become counter-intuitive.
She did throw the - " You said I could talk to him" @ me.
I said" Please repeat the WHOLE statement for me b/c what I said was- It ends now, somewhere down the road if you bump into him or talk to him I could probably get past it, that's not now."
She also said that the S with him was actually the LOW point in the relationship!
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
