Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

I had hoped and prayed that I'd never have to start a thread on this StBD forum, but here I am.

Long story short, I found out W had been having a PA on July 4, 2009. W and OM promised to cut off all contact and W was making appearance that she was trying to work on M. I discovered months later that they had never discontinued said affair. W moved out and left me and S7. A week ago, I found out and confirmed with W that she had actually had MULTIPLE PAs (5+) behind my back over the past 2.5 years, and that she is still having sex with the current OM.

Details

As much as I still love this woman, and as much as I thought I could get past her current PA, if it ended, she has crossed far too many of my boundaries of personal integrity and I will not be able to trust her again. The years of lies, deceit, disrespect and betrayal are simply too much.

I am retaining a lawyer this afternoon, and filing for D with the intentions of gaining full-custody of S7, keeping the house (no equity) and splitting our debt down the middle. She will likely be served later this week. I'm very nervous about the whole thing, as I have only had a week to adjust my mindset from trying everything to save this marriage, to terminating it as quickly as possible so that I can move on with my life. I'm not doing this out of vengeance or malice, but because I know that it's the right thing to do for myself and S7. I know that D will not stop the pain, but it will allow my mind to accept WHAT IS, and allow closure to follow.

I have no clue what W's reaction will be when she receives the papers. She does not have any financial resources to hire a lawyer, but I expect that she will resist giving up 1/2 custody despite the fact that she doesn't have any means to support our son, and the fact that she knows in her heart that the best things for S7 would be to live full-time with me. I won't attempt to keep W from having a relationship with S7, and will make sure she has fair visitation.

I know how bad this is going to hurt W, both mentally and financially. It will be devastating to her. It pains me GREATLY to know this, as I love this woman like no other partner I've ever had. But I'm not the one hurting her...these are merely the consequences of the decisions that she has made in her life, and it's finally time for her to face these consequences.

Please pray for me, my precious son and even my W as we embark on this new chapter of our lives.