What steps are you referring to? It's all up to you as to what you need to do to heal and go on w/your life. I gave you examples of what I did for myself in the way of steps.
I understand exactly where you are, but if he's screaming or being mean, walk away or hang up the phone. You are the adult here and do not need to be subjected to that behavior. It's abusive at its best when they are this angry. Just say, "h, I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I am hanging up the phone now. When you decide that you want to speak to me in a normal tone, please feel free to contact me. I'll be happy to listen." You do have the power to cut him off when he's like this.
As for his screaming about divorce...well, if he's that damn set on one, let him do the work. You have other things at this point to focus on, i.e., you, your children and your financial well being. If you have not set up your own accounts, do so this week. Joint charge cards have to go because he's going max them out eventually and you do not want to be liable to any debts he incurs while traveling on the Mother Ship. Keep an eye on your bills to ensure that they are being paid. Don't rely on him to do it...some of them say they have paid them, but pocketed the money instead.
If you are served w/papers, you will need to get a lawyer. In fact, you need to be thinking about consulting w/one at some point any way to ensure that you and the children are taken care of. Don't tell him that you've met w/one for consultation.
Just like death, you will have to work your way through the grieving process. You have to work through the pain. Here's the difference...you will work through the pain and learn the lessons that you will need to learn along the way. Your h, on the other hand, will do everything he can to avoid the pain and hurt. The lessons, if he's lucky, he will learn later on during his journey. So, accept the pain, allow it to wash over you and as time moves along, the pain will lessen, but you will become stronger and you will be able to handle things better. Right now, you are still in shock and some denial. The anger will assist you in moving on and getting things done.
Now, take a few minutes and just breathe! Everything will fall into place, you cannot rush the process.
LOst You are new at this sometimes they file quick some wait and pull you on a string some file and stall maybe it is harder when they file right away but D or no D you can still stand you can still db and give yourself ttime to heal therapy helps with the pain the pain is very hard in the start then it tapers off snodderly is right we get stonger Maybe now let him go let him file if he needs to let him do ALL the work You HAVE to protect your assets though b/c this MLC man is not the same H and father you M HE WILL SPEND Everything in sight and some My XH was always very responsible with Money until MLC and OW up to date he has blown through everything he had he is in debt lost his business on unemployment so this financial part is real they get secret credit card accounts take your name off any of his credit cards I did in the beginning you have to think of yourself here sometimes there is no way to restore the M this quick no matter how great at DB you are the mlcer has to take the joiurney as snodderly said on the mother ship we let go some steps to help you as you let go seek therapy seek spiritual help read positve informationa books breath try yoga walk meditate journel find a support groupin your area talk to trusted paople to confide in preferabaly anyone who has gone thru this I met many women in my town who went thru this older M woman seem to understand I had personaaly known 4 couples who went thru similar MLC issues and stayed together so ther is hope its just a long journey no quick fixes peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Are you still hopefully peace? It has only been 6 weeks here and he said he wanted divorce right away but still hasnt done anything.I pray every hour every day he wont!But his behavior confuses me alot. I am still not all together, still do alot of crying at night. How do you back off when you want to be with him so bad!He has got in the habit of texting me at night so I sleep with the phone in my hand!28years is alot of memories and we have been a couple since we were 17 years old, so I am lost .
Something that I have found is always helpful to me when I'm stressed is to do something physical. If nothing else long walks/hikes will help you to clear your head. I know your kids are young, so getting out may be more difficult. Even if it's doing some sort of workout at home, it really does help with the stess.
Move forward. Slowly is fine as long as you aren't standing still. It is essential that you allow yourself to go through the grieving process (look up the stages of grief if you feel like it - very similar to MLC stages actually). Allow yourself to cry and to be angry (but, like everyone has said, not in front of him).
When I finally was able to accept that my "old" marriage was gone and never would be again (that is not to say there is not hope for a "new" and hopefully improved marriage in the future with H or someone else), I was able to grieve and that has helped me so much to gain some ground. I still cycle between the anger at times and of course sadness, but to let myself face it and grieve has led to so much healing.
Again, not to say that there is no hope for a M by grieving its "death," but to realize that I needed to let go of it was something I needed to do.
So, i was almost ready to go OUT and watch the football game. hadnt received a phone call so i should have been safe...nope h and girls come through the door...
will leave the bs out...i will say my h opened up quite a bit as we talked ...
the things he told me and i will share when i have some more time...we talked about some of the things that got us where we are today.
i am breathing and feeling better. it was good to get some of it out, good to actually have reasons from him. most were justified. on both sides...
this is gonna sound mean and i DO NOT mean it that way...I have only seen my husband cry 3 times in 12 yrs...
when each baby girl was born and when we thought we were losing his father.
im not sure why i am feeling better it was very sad...seeing the 2 of us like this...
i know this is breaking the rules but i really felt it needed to be said so we could both hear and comment accordingly. even tho not much at all was said...
i told him i understand why he needs time to work on himself, I also need to do some more work on myself
i let him know that as much as i would like him to be home with us, that we both need to be sure we are ready
that neither one of us had a great up bringing and that our daughters deserve better from us
that no matter how much effort, work, sweat and tears need to go into it that our family deserves a chance
he didnt say much...commended me on what a great mother I am and also said i always put others first, that i dont need to do that ALL of the time
also commended me on quitting drinking, which i thought was far from his mind, it has been a loooong time...
im not certain any of this is good...or bad feels ok...
i told him that i would like us both to take some time, work on our issues seperately, then together. that I dont want to close our marital door...
instead of screaming, he said nothing. which the way i think i know him is ok,
i want to go full speed ahead back into ic, back into DR so that i start doing what i need to do...
he has ALWAYS been a follower, i hope if i can set the example and show the effort he'll be behind me...
thoughts??
maybe Xmas eve needed and did happen for a reason...
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
