Hope and heartache

[Norm914]

Come on guys...

Thanks, Gucci.

I was commiserating with CTH about the down moments. They are coming fewer and further between for me these days. I am strong, particularly when I’m around my W and it isn’t an act. When she moved out I was clueless and made all the usual mistakes. Since finding this site and many other resources I now understand what is going on. I know why she is behaving the way she is. Now she is the predictable one and that gives me a great sense of strength and personal power.

[sandi2]

D7 has been a bit out of control all day and was doing it again. I tried to discipline her, her ADHD cropped up and eventually she bit me and I lost it a bit. Then I felt really, really bad and I just broke down in front of both girls.

Yeah, too much of everything....for everyone. But I hope you did not allow your D7 to get away with the bitting. That is horrible! Has she ever done that before?

[C-Bart]

Wow Gucci. I felt that 2x4 all the way over on my thread. That is a good thing. CTH and I are in a very similar situation and are acting in much the same way. Only time things change for me is when I do get very direct and stop dealing with her BS.

[Steve McQueen]

Come on guys...

catching up on these threads and being in the giving spirit of xmas, i will give you a little evidence to this talk.

when i 'let go' of my marriage, i made 'friends' with a really cute funny charming married gal my own age. we got along so well she would joke we are twins. Well, I'm not stupid and I knew that only meant when you gonna screw me 'twin'.

but the whole point I am trying to get across, and how it relates to you, is this chicks behavior, she was spent on her marriage, husband was distant, worked out of town, came home to play golf and was basically a jerk. In retrospect, I see now she was using me to hit his jealousy button and 'won' (and good for her) and if she didnt she knew she woud not have been disappointed.

she threw up all the "red flags" you are seeing sir, going out at night to visit her mom, LOL, texting, phone calls, constantly finding a reason to be in the same place I was, totally gave up trying to fix her marriage. There was someone "fun" who wasnt into pressure, or paying the bills, or dealing with what wasnt working. Someone one that just wanted to have fun. and talk.

Her husband was totally oblivious at first, even though she was obvious and careless. I think she was trying to say hey dude, open your eyes and care about me. But he didnt and everytime he did something she didnt want him to do, she would be pressuring me to do things in his absence. When he did catch on, he weakly put his foot down and she walked all over him on her way to me. And then became secretive about her 'playtime'.

By that time the "gucci method" if you want to call it that had spun my wife's head around. Remember, when you let go and it appears you have someone else, "kitty cats will complete." LMAO. but true. My whole situation is another story for another day, but the fact that he did not come right down and show his concern and utmost attention to the situation only made her more intent on being a "brat." And she was "bratty," personally, I would not have taken that crap from my wife.

He finally had to come around to the correct way of thinking and in the end had to give up some serious considerations in order to save his marriage. He got lucky that I find the concepts of divorce busting interesting ... it could have been someone else.

But the point you need to consider is as long as you take a blind eye, or turn away from the obvious the longer she is going to play. IT IS FUN FOR HER. Motorcycles are a big turn on. They vibrate the right spots. This guy is paying attention to her and flirting with her and making her feel good about herself. That is another turn on and that becomes addictive.

And what are you doing? holding on thinking maybe a year down the road she will realize how important "the history" is. Rarely happens man. People hate history. History is boring. Getting off is fun.

Do what WORKS guys. Do what works.

I dont need to repeat what was already said to better than I can. But I do want you to realize that as long as your wife is in an affair you cannot work on your marriage.

[Gardener]

CTH,

Yesterday will forever be the last Christmas we were together as an intact family. At least it was a good one and I didn't overreach or force an R talk. It'll eventually be a good memory.

Hopefully it is a good memory now. And it won't be one eventually; it will be a good memory forever.
As will the following Christmases, regardless of M outcome.

I do not know how you successful LBSs handled this.

We are not successful. We endure. Just like you. With Strength, honor, putting your children first, and enduring the pain.

Sometimes when we feel we can do nothing, we can - we must -always endure. You can't fix or cure normal, my friend. You're human. And a good man.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, I told W way back in March that I realized I treated her family poorly and really for no good reasons. That same month her mom had a hisderectomy and I visited her every day in the hospital without telling W. It got back to her later and that surprised her.

So in this case I don't think W thought I was putting on a show. And it didn't feel like a show. I'm not a very good actor, which is why my friends always call me to play cards.

Gucci. I have a couple of questions. What if I spend good money -- which I don't have -- on a PI and find out that she is starting to see someone?

In my case we haven't lived together for seven months. I have not asked since September if I'd already been replaced.

By getting it out in the open, how will that help me? She does not see us as married now. Wouldn't revealing that I care enough to hire a PI show her that I haven't moved on?

I just don't see her ending a relationship because I found out about it. Wouldn't it just make me look even weaker?

Here's my other problem. I made major mistakes by moving out and giving her a decent offer of money every two weeks. It seems to me the only thing I can do to change her perception of me is to file for divorce. I think she doubts I'd ever do that.

[C-Bart]

Here's my other problem. I made major mistakes by moving out and giving her a decent offer of money every two weeks. It seems to me the only thing I can do to change her perception of me is to file for divorce. I think she doubts I'd ever do that.

What stops you from changing the terms of the agreement?

[ClingingToHope]

Nothing and everything. She hasn't nagged me about money -- especially lately. She hasn't nagged me about time off work for kids since we had a blowout about it in October I think. I'd have to look it up.

A couple people have said I could simply tell her I'm moving home in January, but to be prepared to start WWIII and end any chance of an R or an M by doing so.

[ClingingToHope]

But I hope you did not allow your D7 to get away with the bitting. That is horrible! Has she ever done that before?

Yes. Once an ADHD kid loses it, they lose it. Kicking, punching, screaming, biting. It's why D7 is in her fifth school in four years and helped up the tension level at the (old) house.

We're doing better now by "not feeding the emotional fire." Not trying to plead, reason or argue with her when she's lost it.

[ClingingToHope]

C-Bart, I thought you were filing for a D or at least had threatened to. What's your sitch?