Here's a question which someone may be able to help with. W & BIL living together, what sort of impact might it have on W's emotional and 'companionship' needs and is it something I could possibly look at as a positive in that she isn't with OM in a sexual way ?
If this was reversed and you were living with your sister, would you still find some way to fulfill your sexual needs? She will do that through means of the computer, phone sex, etc.
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How do you stop a Facebook EA or put boundaries on it when you aren't under the same roof, or can you even ???
You don't stop it. You drop the rope and move on. If that day comes when she is ready to bring up the possibility of coming home, that is when you lay down the boundary. "Is the OM still in the picture"? "Does he still have access to your FB and you to his"? (If the answer is yes, then that is when you tell her "No, not as long as there is any contact whatsoever with OM".)
It will be a challenge b/c she lives close by and all the family connections, but you really need to drop the rope of trying to think of ways to control her and think of yourself as being single. That mental attitude will help you deal with it better. Just keep asking yourself what would you be doing if you were single. .......or how would you handle a situation that arises if you were single. Think in terms that does not include her at all. That is moving on with your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know you guys all know what this is like and from what I read you are all being sooo very STRONG in your sitch's.
Believe me I really am trying. I'm not sure I can do the 'single' thing though, after 23 years this is what I am. I love my W so dearly, I'm just trying to think of it as if she has some wierd disease that stops her from seeing things straight.
But I did get out and clean up the yard today, did some weeding, pruning and mowing, and it does help to take my mind off the awfulness of my life at the moment.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
OK just found out from S21 that W is 'house sitting' in big town 30km away where we both work.
She had previously told me that she had had 'heaps of offers' from guys since our S. I asked if they were local, she replied that she knew heaps of guys in <big town> It's quite possible that this is completely innocent as it is between XMas New Year and lots of people are away on hols.
It just burns me up so much not knowing for sure. Most of you will be saying Yep A for sure.
Guess I just have to grin and bear the not knowing for the time being and get on with my life.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
I'm not sure I can do the 'single' thing though, after 23 years this is what I am.
Surely you have some identification that says who you are as an individual other than you are Ms. Blowaway's H. What would you be if she were not a part of your life? That is what I meant by thinking like a single man. All your thoughts are consumed by her. If she was not here, what would your thoughts be on?
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She had previously told me that she had had 'heaps of offers' from guys since our S. I asked if they were local, she replied that she knew heaps of guys in <big town>
This is almost funny (if it wasn't so sad). Why is she informing you about how many guys want to be with her? My next question is how did you respond to what she said?
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It's quite possible that this is completely innocent
Come on, you are fooling yourself. Didn't you say that it took her only 30 min. to hook up on the Internet with the OM she's having an EA with? There is nothing innoncent about an EA and when she's addicted to those EA chemicals, then it doesn't really matter if it is that OM or if she finds one to replace him. It's the "feeling" she is after. It's how those chemicals make her feel. You need to read up about it on the Internet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First part I'm getting there, it's a long way out of comfort zone but I am doing it.
Second part when she told me about the guys I think it was a test, I've always had jealousy issues. I told her if that's what you need to do to realize that it's not your family and not what you really want then I would live with it.
Yep have read about chemicals and this is an issue, she has always liked attention from other guys.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
Thats what I'm doing. As far as she knows I haven't had a single thought about her since XMas eve when I saw her last. Kids and I have been busy round the house and yard. And yeah I know I shouldn't be doing these things and changing myself for her, just gets a bit frustrating when she isn't around to see them.
On the EA, I contacted OM's W thru FB and told her exactly what was going on between them.
Like us they have 3 kids & OM had been telling W that he was not happy in his M.
Asked her not to be confrontational with him but to see if she could draw him back to his family 'quietly'. Within 2 hours he had dropped FB connection to W as well as 3 other 'friendships', all with women.
Maybe I've stopped someone from ending up here, which would be a good thing in itself.
W hasn't had any message from OM to say 'someone squealed' so I assume his W has done things the right way and I will be eternally grateful to her if that finishes up being the case.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
