AFter being inspired by LR earlier tonight, I placed as my next goal H hanging out here more often - of his own choice. Sure enough, I didn't know if H was going to stay the night here tonight or not, so I prepared myself for either. He did stay, and we watched some comedy on tv - something we used to always do when we were together, and hadn't done before this week. It was great to hang out alone together, laughing.
H started a R talk before bed. This is unusual - he usually avoids R talks and especially at night when he has isolated and avoided talking to me. H spoke more openly than before of his internal debate over reconciliation. Up until very recently, he has spewed the usual WAS script of "things won't change, we should have broken up years ago, etc" but tonight he was clearly on the fence evenly . This is progress.
H said sometimes he thinks we shouldn't be together, sometimes he thinks he is avoiding intimacy. He admitted to me that he regrets many past mistakes, although has not been vulnerable enough to admit what they are. He has not admitted this to me before; until now it has been H saying he will see if I change, and that I need to hear what I did to mess things up. In other words, he was way more open and less alien and blaming.
Still not the full commitment I hope for, but incredible positive steps.
I continue to act "as if" we will be back together and this is helping too. I am more relaxed and avoid R talks. We have more fun together because I'm not needy and panicked. H has been kinder and more willing to laugh at his own issues. I also continue to GAL so that I don't get disappointed - looking for a job, hanging out with girlfriends, etc. I had invited H to a live comedy show for New Years and was disappointed that he didn't want to go. H claimes it's because it's too expensive and he's seen enough of that comic's work. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and not feel rejected. I invited my dad instead who loves this comic. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that my h and I won't be going out, I am going to go anyhow. I wouldn't have done this a few months ago.
H will be at home anyhow with S so when I return, we will still ring in the New Year together. No physical affection yet, but I can still hope for a kiss, can't I?
