Why does 8 days feel like four months? I hate having NC with my H. I miss talking to him, asking about his day, saying ILY.
Maybe the recruiter will get back to me tomorrow. Tuesday is the appt. for S4 with my therapist. Please wish me luck. I am having a lot of trouble coping right now. Then my next appt. is on Thursday.
I feel like I need forward momentum, but I don't know what to do right now. I feel...stuck. And it doesn't help that this song called "Arizona" by Jaimie O'Neill keeps running through my head. It talks about a guy promising to go to AZ and send for his girl but she keeps waiting until she finally realizes there is no AZ, not for her.
Honestly, I need to fall apart. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. But I don't have the luxury of a nervous breakdown because everyone is counting on me. My kids need me, and if I can't function then my parents get stuck with them until (if?) my H comes to get them. They are too hard on the kids, and what if I caused my mom a serious health issue too? She's my genetic source of "I have the worry about absolutely everyone and everything" btw.
My one shining moment today: I allowed the dishwasher to run without reorganizing the whole thing first. This may seem like a stupid thing to be excited about, but for me it's actually pretty impressive. I've begun to realize I'm a control freak (more on that later); the dishwasher is one of the biggest pieces of evidence. I practically have OCD when it comes to loading the stupid thing. I have to arrange and rearrange it until I have fit every last thing in there exactly "the right" way. Today I forced myself to stop. Out loud I said, "You have to let it go," several times. And I forced myself to just fill in the empty spaces and run it. And what do you know, everything got clean, despite the fact that I didn't have everything "just so."
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I miss talking to him, asking about his day, saying ILY. 
